Sam Seaborn:
[
trying to get a moment alone with Laurie] I hope you don't mind my barging in like this. It's just that I've known this girl my whole life.
Woman #2:
How do you know Brittany?
Sam Seaborn:
Who's Brittany?
Laurie:
I am.
Sam Seaborn:
Okay!
President Josiah Bartlet:
27 lawyers in the room. Anybody know "Post hoc, ergo propter hoc"? Josh?
Josh Lyman:
Uh, uh, "post" - after, after hoc, "ergo" - therefore, "After hoc, therefore" something else hoc.
President Josiah Bartlet:
Thank you. Next?
Josh Lyman:
Well, if I had gotten more credit on the 443...
President Josiah Bartlet:
Leo?
Leo McGarry:
"After it therefore because of it."
President Josiah Bartlet:
"After it therefore because of it." It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact, it's hardly ever true.
[
a Navy doctor is checking the president's pulse]
President Josiah Bartlet:
So, how's my pulse?
Morris Tolliver:
Have you been running up and down the stairs at the Rose Bowl in the past few minutes?
President Josiah Bartlet:
No.
Morris Tolliver:
Then it's not that good.
President Josiah Bartlet:
What is that?
Morris Tolliver:
It's a flu shot.
President Josiah Bartlet:
I don't need a flu shot.
Morris Tolliver:
You do need a flu shot.
President Josiah Bartlet:
How do I know this isn't the start of a military coup?
Morris Tolliver:
Sir...
President Josiah Bartlet:
I want the Secret Service in here right away.
Morris Tolliver:
In the event of a military coup, sir, what makes you think the Secret Service is going to be on your side?
President Josiah Bartlet:
[
pause] Now that's a thought that's going to fester.
Sam Seaborn:
About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Toby Ziegler:
[
pause] Really?
Sam Seaborn:
Yes.
Toby Ziegler:
You accidentally slept with a prostitute?
Sam Seaborn:
A call girl.
Toby Ziegler:
Accidentally?
Sam Seaborn:
Yes.
Toby Ziegler:
I don't understand. Did you trip over something?
Toby Ziegler:
Before you picked up a hooker?
Sam Seaborn:
Call girl.
Toby Ziegler:
Well that's a distinction that's going to be very important to the grand jury.
Toby Ziegler:
This administration doesn't even need an opposition party, you know that? We do fine by ourselves.
C.J. Cregg:
USA Today asks you why you didn't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's cause you don't look good in funny hats.
Sam Seaborn:
It was "big hats".
C.J. Cregg:
The point is, we got whomped in Texas.
Josh Lyman:
We got whomped in Texas twice.
President Josiah Bartlet:
Jokes like that are part of my folksy charm, Morris. It's at the very heart of my popularity.
Morris Tolliver:
Don't you have a job approval rating of like 3% or something?
President Josiah Bartlet:
Well, we're having some difficulty getting the word out.
President Josiah Bartlet:
It's not like I'm totally without experience, you know.
Morris Tolliver:
Yes, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet:
You're talking to a former governor. I was commander-in-chief of the New Hampshire National Guard.
Morris Tolliver:
You guys get into a lot of tough scrapes, did ya?
President Josiah Bartlet:
We didn't have to. We'd just stand on the border and stare you down. Then we'd all go for pancakes.
Mandy Hampton:
I'm going to kill you with my shoe.
C.J. Cregg:
Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.
President Josiah Bartlet:
I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. Are you sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?
C.J. Cregg:
No.
President Josiah Bartlet:
Me, neither.
Sam Seaborn:
Look, I really like her and she's not what's you think.
Josh Lyman:
The only thing I know about her is, she's a call girl. Is she a call girl?
Sam Seaborn:
Yes.
Josh Lyman:
Then so far she's exactly what I think.
Donna Moss:
What's going on?
Josh Lyman:
Nothing.
Donna Moss:
Really?
Josh Lyman:
Yes.
Donna Moss:
Are you lying?
Josh Lyman:
Yes.
Donna Moss:
So I should get out?
Josh Lyman:
Yes.
Josh Lyman:
Victory is mine, victory is mine. Great day in the morning, people, victory is mine.
Donna Moss:
Morning, Josh.
Josh Lyman:
I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.
Donna Moss:
It's going to be an unbearable day.
Josh Lyman:
Someone give me a river to forge, a serpent to slay.
C.J. Cregg:
What's his problem?
Donna Moss:
He's been drinking from the keg of glory. We're to bring him all the muffins and bagels in the land.
Toby Ziegler:
We heard.
Toby Ziegler:
Mrs. Landingham, does the president have free time this morning?
Mrs. Landingham:
The president has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he's in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you?
Toby Ziegler:
Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham.
Mrs. Landingham:
What age would that be, Toby?
Toby Ziegler:
Late twenties?
Mrs. Landingham:
Atta boy.
Toby Ziegler:
Can I have a cookie?
Mrs. Landingham:
No.
Sam Seaborn:
A vague quote from Hoynes will disappear by the end of the next news cycle. A fistfight between Leo and the Vice President's got juice.
President Josiah Bartlet:
Your wife's beautiful, too. How'd you get her to marry you? Did you trick her or something?
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