Josh Lyman: Toby, come quick. Sam's getting his ass kicked by a girl.
Toby Ziegler: Ginger, get the popcorn.
Ainsley Hayes: Yes, sir. I've been thinking about that ever since your office called me on Tuesday, and I have something to say on my own behalf, if you'll permit me a moment to say it, and I understand if you won't, but I would really appreciate it if you did.
Leo McGarry: I... didn't really follow that, but whatever.
Ainsley Hayes: I think that it is wrong for a man in your position to summon someone to the White House to reprimand them for voicing opposition. I think that that is wrong, and it is inappropriate. It's inappropriate, and I'll tell you what else.
Leo McGarry: It's wrong?
Ainsley Hayes: Yes.
Bruce: Oh, damn. I wanted you to say it to his face. I wanted to see...
Harriet: I hate these people.
Bruce: Did you meet anyone there who isn't worthless?
Ainsley Hayes: Don't say that.
Bruce: Did you meet anyone there who has any - ?
Ainsley Hayes: I said don't say that. Say they're smug and superior. Say their approach to public policy makes you want to tear your hair out. Say they like high taxes and spending your money. Say they want to take your guns and open your borders, but don't call them worthless. At least don't do it in front of me. The people that I have met have been extraordinarily qualified, their intent is good. Their commitment is true, they are righteous, and they are patriots. And I'm their lawyer.
C.J. Cregg: I rode the life-cycle this morning for an hour and a half. If it was a real cycle I'd have been in Belgium by now.
President Josiah Bartlet: Hey, did you see Sam get pureed last night on Capital Beat?
Leo McGarry: I didn't see it, but I have heard tell.
President Josiah Bartlet: He got diced and sliced by a woman named Ainsley Hayes.
Ainsley Hayes: The bill contained plenty of money for textbooks, Mark, and anyone who says otherwise is flat-out lying. And we should tell the truth about this. Textbooks are important, if for no other reason than they'd accurately place the town of Kirkwood in California and not Oregon.
Ainsley Hayes: Does anybody know how to work caller-ID?
Harriet: Oh, how can you not know how to use a telephone?
Ainsley Hayes: I've been paying attention to other things.
Harriet: Well, pay attention to that because Bruce's friend is gonna call you.
Ainsley Hayes: The agent?
Ainsley Hayes: I don't need an agent, I need a caller-ID tutorial.
Harriet: You need an agent, Ainsley, you're gonna be a star.
Ainsley Hayes: Used to be, you had to sing and dance.
Leo McGarry: You have an interesting conversational style, do you know that?
Ainsley Hayes: It's a nervous condition.
Leo McGarry: I used to have a nervous condition.
Ainsley Hayes: How did yours manifest itself?
Leo McGarry: I drank a lot of scotch.
Ainsley Hayes: I get sick when I drink too much.
Leo McGarry: I get drunk when I drink too much.
Leo McGarry: Yeah, Ainsley, even if you hadn't already told me all of this - you know, many, many times - I would know it anyway, 'cause I have this FBI file.
Ainsley Hayes: You have my FBI file?
Leo McGarry: Yes.
Ainsley Hayes: I can't believe that! You have my FBI file?
Leo McGarry: Yes.
Ainsley Hayes: I *have* an FBI file?
Ainsley Hayes: I find this administration smug and patronizing, and under the impression that those who disagree with them are less than they are, and with colder hearts.
Leo McGarry: I don't think that's true.
Ainsley Hayes: How many people on your staff assumed that I was ambitious, mean, and stupid?
Leo McGarry: None... C.J. Cregg thinks you kill your pets. You don't do that, do you?
Ainsley Hayes: No, I don't kill my pets. I don't have any pets. I was thinking about getting a pet, but - that doesn't matter. The point is...
Leo McGarry: Ainsley.
Ainsley Hayes: Yes, sir?
Leo McGarry: Don't you want to work in the White House?
Ainsley Hayes: Oh, only since I was two.
Sam Seaborn: No, man, why participate in the process when you can get a job commenting on it?
Ainsley Hayes: You think because I don't want to work here it's because I can get a better gig on Geraldo? Gosh, let's see if there could possibly be any other reason why I wouldn't want to work in this White House? This White House that feels that government is better for children than parents are. That looks at forty years of degrading and humiliating free lunches handed out in a spectacularly failed effort to level the playing field and says, 'Let's try forty more.' This White House that says of anyone that points that out to them, that they are cold and mean and racist, and then accuses Republicans of using the politics of fear. This White House that loves the Bill of Rights, all of them - except the second one.
Sam Seaborn: This is the wrong place to talk about guns right now. I thought your column was idiotic.
Ainsley Hayes: Imagine my surprise.
Leo McGarry: [Leo is trying to convince Ainsley Hayes to work for President Bartlet, who has requested that she be hired, but she is reluctant] The President likes smart people who disagree with him. He wants to hear from you.
Josh Lyman: No. You're listening to me, but you're not understanding me.
Toby Ziegler: No, I'm disagreeing with you. That doesn't mean I'm not listening to you or understanding what you're saying - I'm doing all three at the same time.
President Josiah Bartlet: Leo, hard as you might try, the Republican party isn't going anywhere.
Leo McGarry: We don't know that for sure, sir. They could all end up moving to Vancouver.
President Josiah Bartlet: I don't think so.
Leo McGarry: Me neither, but being in power means everybody else can take a seat for four years.
Reporter: Is the White House prepared to declare war on the drug companies?
C.J. Cregg: Well, it sounds like you already have, so if we need a button man, we'll call ya.
Ainsley Hayes: I'll ask again: for what purpose was I brought here today?
Leo McGarry: So I could offer you a job.
Ainsley Hayes: I'm asking because I do not think that it is fair that I be expected to play the role of the mouse to the White House's cat in the game of... you know the game?
Leo McGarry: Cat and mouse?
Ainsley Hayes: Yes. And it's not like I'm not, you know. The fact that I may not look like some of the other Republicans who have crossed your path does not mean that I'm any less inclined toward...
Leo McGarry: Here it comes.
Ainsley Hayes: Did you say offer me a job?
Toby Ziegler: A drug they gotta buy from us for four dollars a unit they can get generic in Pakistan for forty cents.
C.J. Cregg: That's not the only bargain in Pakistan, Toby. My girlfriends and I go for the spring fashions.
Toby Ziegler: It shows.
[about Ainsley Hayes]
President Josiah Bartlet: We should hire her.
Leo McGarry: That'd be funny.
President Josiah Bartlet: No, I mean it.
Leo McGarry: Mean what?
President Josiah Bartlet: We should hire her.
Leo McGarry: Well, you mean as a joke on Sam?
President Josiah Bartlet: No, not as a joke, I mean we should hire her as a reality. We should hire her.
Leo McGarry: She's a Republican.
President Josiah Bartlet: So are half of the people in this country.
Leo McGarry: Well, that half lost.
President Josiah Bartlet: When they close the book on me and you, it will say that at this moment you were not there for me. And for that, obviously, there will be some kind of punishment.
Charlie Young: Well, you could sing Puccini for me again, Mr. President. We'll call it even.
C.J. Cregg: What can I bring into the room about the conference?
Sam Seaborn: The sessions are productive. Progress is being made. These kind of things take time. All the parties are optimistic.
C.J. Cregg: Are any of the parties optimistic?
Sam Seaborn: No.
Josh Lyman: You look familiar to me. You're Aimsley Hayes.
Ainsley Hayes: Ainsley. With an "n".
Sam Seaborn: She works here now.
Josh Lyman: What?
Sam Seaborn: Leo hired her.
Josh Lyman: What are you talking about?
Sam Seaborn: Leo hired her. He told me and C.J., he was waiting to tell you and Toby.
Josh Lyman: What was he waiting for?
Ainsley Hayes: [about Margaret] She seems like a very good secretary.
Leo McGarry: Well, she'll be happy to hear that. She's standing right outside the door.
Margaret Hooper: [Leo hits the closed door] Ow.
Sam Seaborn: But for a brilliant surgical team and two centimeters of a miracle, this guy
Sam Seaborn: is dead right now. From bullets fired from a gun bought legally. They bought guns. They loaded them. They drove from Wheeling to Rosslyn. And until they pulled the trigger, they had yet to commit a crime. I am so off the charts tired of the gun lobby tossing around terms like "personal freedom" and nobody calling them on it. It's not about personal freedom. And it certainly has nothing to do with public safety. It's just that some people like guns.