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(TV Series)

(1991)

Quotes

Diana: I was just trying to be nice.

Betty: Yes, very nice! Sitting there grinning like a sphincter.

Diana: Sphinx, Betty.

Betty: I know what I mean.

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[last lines]

Tom: How wonderful. She's becoming almost as silly as me. Welcome to second childhood. Next stop, mere oblivion.

[laughs]

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[first lines]

Diana: How are your yin and your yang?

Tom: Yin's fine, but the old yang's a bit creaky.

Diana: And how are your eyes?

Tom: Oh, as good as ever. I pop them into a glass of Steradent each night; they come up nice and bright in the morning. Why do you ask?

Diana: I was just wondering if you were adequately barking daft to do today's cryptic crossword.

Tom: Uh, try me.

Diana: Well, it's nine letters, uh? "I throw my weight around in North London."

Tom: Islington.

Diana: What?

Tom: Islington. I sling ton. I - I, throw - sling, weight - ton, North London - Islington.

Diana: Could be, I suppose.

Tom: Give me another.

Diana: No, it's all right.

Tom: Finished it, have you?

Diana: No, just don't want to tax you.

Tom: Oh, don't worry, come on.

Diana: All right. Ah! Seven letters. "Mister O'Connor is unable to reach the highest register."

[pause]

Diana: Hmm-hmm.

Tom: Descant.

Diana: What?

Tom: Descant. Mister O'Connor - Des, is unable - can't, Des can't - descant, the highest register.

Diana: Yes, well, it's always pathetically simple on Thursdays.

Tom: I worked in an office for over five hundred years, Diana. The cryptic crossword was a delicate piece in the endless game of one-upmanship. If you finished it first, you were cock of the walk. But, if you were beaten to the post, then you just tossed it over your shoulder and said, "Oh, well, I wasn't really trying this morning; it's always so pathetically simple on Thursdays."

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Tom: You couldn't be nice if your life depended on it.

Diana: Course I could.

Tom: Oh no, to you every silver lining has a cloud.

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Basil: If I didn't know better, I'd think you were smiling.

Diana: I *am* smiling, Basil.

Basil: Who's died?

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Diana: Simple bit of, um, corporate fiddling; I'm sure you do it all the time.

Bill Nigh: What! I certainly do not.

Diana: Oh, come on. No-one would employ his dimwitted son unless they were working some sort of fiddle.

Bill Nigh: Geoffrey is one of my best salesmen!

Tom: Good grief! Are the other ones actually living people?

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Diana: What's wrong with my smile?

Tom Ballard: Well, it's like a crack in the walls of hell. One can smell the sulphur and hear the cries of the damned through your smile.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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