Les Nessman: I'm here with hundreds of people who have gathered to witness what has been described as perhaps the greatest turkey event in Thanksgiving Day history. All we know for sure is that in a very few moments there are going to be a lot of happy people out here. Now the crowd is...
[passers-by gawk at Les]
Les Nessman: The... the crowd is uh... curious but well behaved. And I think I hear something now. Uh... The crowd is moving out into the parking area. And... oh yes! I can see it now. It's a... it's a... helicopter and it's coming this way!
Andy Travis: A helicopter?
Les Nessman: It's flying something behind it and I can't quite make it out. It's a large banner and it says H A P P Y... T H A N K S... giving... from W... K... R... P! What a sight, ladies and gentlemen. What a sight. The 'copter seems to circling the parking area now. I guess it's looking for a place to land. No! Something just came out of the back of a helicopter. It's a dark object, perhaps a skydiver plummeting to the earth from only two thousand feet in the air... There's a third... No parachutes yet... Those can't be skydivers. I can't tell just yet what they are but... Oh my God! They're turkeys! Oh no! Johnny can you get this? Oh, they're crashing to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! This is terrible! Everyone's running around pushing each other. Oh my goodness! Oh, the humanity! People are running about. The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Folks, I don't know how much longer... The crowd is running for their lives. I think I'm going to step inside. I can't stand here and watch this anymore. No, I can't go in there. Children are searching for their mothers and oh, not since the Hindenberg tragedy has there been anything like this. I don't know how much longer I can hold my position here, Johnny. The crowd...
Dr. Johnny Fever: Les? Les? Les, are you there? Les isn't there. Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. For those of you who've just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.
Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: You want me, Mr. Carlson?
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Oh, yeah. Come in, Jennifer. Have a seat.
Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: No, thank you.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Well all right. At this particular point in time, I would like to dictate a press release.
Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: I don't take dictation.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: What? Alright, I guess I can do this thing myself. It's probably going to be a long meeting though; so why don't you get coffee for all the guys here?
Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: I don't get coffee, Mr. Carlson. We agreed.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Oh, yeah.
Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: You have to draw the line somewhere.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: You got that right.
Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: Will there be anything else I can do?
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: No. I think that about does it.
Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: Thank you.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Oh, no. Thank you.
Les Nessman: How does she get away with that?
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Are you kidding?
Venus Flytrap: What do you suppose he's up to?
Dr. Johnny Fever: Carlson? I don't know. You should have been here for the big wig promotion.
Venus Flytrap: What happened?
Dr. Johnny Fever: Well, naturally, it didn't work, and we ended up with a warehouse full of wigs. Carlson, he couldn't figure out how to get rid of 'em until the Guatemalan earthquake.
Venus Flytrap: Say what?
Dr. Johnny Fever: Well, the Red Cross called out, you know, for blankets, clothes, anything. So Carlson, out of the goodness of his heart, shipped these destitute earthquake victims in Guatemala three thousand blonde stretch wigs. You know, I still have this picture in my mind of quake victims stumbling through the rubble - all looking like Dolly Parton.
[Les walks in, looking dazed]
Venus Flytrap: Les! Are you okay?
Les Nessman: I don't know. A man and his two children tried to kill me. After the turkeys hit the pavement, the crowd kind of scattered but, some of them tried to attack *me*! I had to jam myself into a phone booth! Then Mr. Carlson had the helicopter land in the middle of the parking lot. I guess he thought he could save the day by turning the rest of the turkeys loose. It gets pretty strange after that.
Venus Flytrap: [to Andy] *How* is it strange?
Andy Travis: Yeah, right. Les, c'mon now, tell us the rest.
Les Nessman: [freaked out] I really don't know how to describe it. It was like the turkeys mounted a counter-attack! It was almost as if they were... organized!
[Mr. Carlson comes out of his office]
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!
Bailey Quarters: Should we give away Boston t-shirts or Foreigner t-shirts?
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Boston. Foreign stuff shrinks.
Dr. Johnny Fever: [Mr. Carlson is inspecting Johnny in the DJ booth while Pink Floyd's "Dogs" is playing, specifically the section with the barking dogs] Gripping music, ain't it?
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Yeah, it's good. What is the name of this orchestra?
Dr. Johnny Fever: It's Pink Floyd.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Oh. Is that Pink Floyd? Do I hear dogs barking on that thing?
Dr. Johnny Fever: I do.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: They're good, aren't they?
[Picks up the Animals album jacket]
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: There's something on here that's called "Pigs On The Wing". What does that sound like?
Dr. Johnny Fever: I don't do requests.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Well, keep up the good work.
Dr. Johnny Fever: I'm giving it all I've got.