- Madolyn: [near hysterical, hair in tatters] I fell asleep during study hall, and somebody cut my hair!
- Barry: Oh my God! I can fix this!
- [in his bag, all the necessary hair-styling accessories]
- Tiffany Malloy: Every school should have a Barry.
- Barry: [chuckling gaily] Oh, every school does.
- Tiffany Malloy: You know, this is the third time this month a girl has had her hair brutally chopped off. Why can't he just kill people, like they do at other schools?
- Barry: [gushing to victim as he holds up the mirror] Doesn't it look fabulous?
- [dismayed girl runs off in shame]
- Tiffany Malloy: Daddy...
- [coming down the stairs to his basement dwelling]
- Tiffany Malloy: Daddy...
- [long legs climbing down]
- Tiffany Malloy: Daddy... I'm going to the Halloween dance as Jessica Rabbit, and I need a Roger Rabbit, so can I borrow the bunny?
- [completely ignoring that Jack is preparing a noose for himself]
- Jack Malloy: Uh...
- [throws off the noose]
- Jack Malloy: Look, I'll tell you what, honey... uhm, why don't you let me have a chance to talk to him about it, and just wait for me in the bathroom, okay?
- Tiffany Malloy: [humoring him] Okay, Daddy, you talk to him, and you let me know what he says, okay?
- Tiffany Malloy: [emerging from Jack's bathroom] Daddy... Daddy... is it okay to come out now, there's not much room in there, what with all your beer and guns?
- Jack Malloy: Tiffany, I've decided, uh, you can take him with you to the dance, but just have him home by eleven, cause he gets real mad if he misses Sports Center.
- Tiffany Malloy: [humoring him] I know how it is. My Barbie gets really tiffed if she misses House of Style. We should introduce them.
- Jack Malloy: Oh, they've met.
- [Mr. Floppy gleefully reminisces happy memories]
- Tiffany Malloy: [to a glum-looking group of girls] Did you hear? The Halloween Hair Hacker is still on the loose.
- [on closer inspection, they all have very bad haircuts]
- Tiffany Malloy: Sorry.
- [tiptoes away]
- Amber Moss: Forget about the Halloween Hair Hacker. There's gonna be an eclipse in a few minutes.
- [everything goes dark, screams ring out, and when visibility returns, Amber is shielding her hair with a textbook and Tiffany is still swinging her handbag defensively over her crowning glory]
- Sable O'Brien: [Ryan is clutching her] Get off me!
- Ryan Malloy: [stroking her long blond hair] But I'm protecting you! Yet, it's odd, it feels so... so safe and warm.
- [he is sitting on her lap, and she dumps him contemptuously onto the floor]
- Tiffany Malloy: Calm down, everybody, it was just the eclipse. Thank God it wasn't the maniac!
- Michelle: [comes running in] Aah! Look what happened!
- [her hair has been slashed off]
- Barry: [comes running in] The cutter struck again! I'll fix it!
- [ushers the latest victim away]
- Amber Moss: [meekly] Who could be doing such a horrible thing?
- Tiffany Malloy: Oh my God. The Hair Hacker's got everyone but us. We're the only girls left with long hair.
- Sable O'Brien: Why's everyone looking at us?
- Tiffany Malloy: I guess somebody's gotta say it. The Halloween Hair Hacker must be one of us.
- Ryan Malloy: Yup. You're the only three that make any sense.
- [weird janitor behind him is pruning a mop with garden shears]
- Jennie Malloy: [she and Jack both covered with streams of toilet paper and assorted mess] We've been attacked by every single kid in the neighborhood. Well, I'm fighting back. I'm telling ya, the next kid that rings that bell...
- [doorbell chimes, they arm themselves, she grabs a candle holder, and Jack is poised menacingly with a baseball bat as he opens door]
- Little Girl: [fairy princess costume, with star-shaped magic wand] Trick or treat!
- Jennie Malloy: [cagey] What does she have in her hands? What does she have in her hands? It's a plastic - - Put down that clamp!
- Little Girl: Eek!
- [runs off frightened]
- Jack Malloy: [picks up the offending article the little girl dropped, laughs sheepishly] It's just a magic wand.
- [it squirts a stream of liquid]
- Jennie Malloy: [as Jack covers his eyes] Pepper spray!
- Little Girl: [coming back to gloat] Thanks a lot, you psychos!
- Michelle: [short hair] Hey, Ryan, wanna dance?
- [obviously had to work up a lot of courage]
- Ryan Malloy: Sorry, Sir, I don't dance with guys.
- [the girl runs off, shattered]
- Sable O'Brien: Okay, Tiffany, you can come in now.
- Amber Moss: Even in dangerous times, she gets an entrance.
- [Tiffany enters, bare-shouldered sequined dress]
- Amber Moss: Wow, you make a great Jessica Rabbit.
- Tiffany Malloy: Oh, thanks, but I'm not Jessica Rabbit. I couldn't find a red dress, so I'm Alice in Wonderland, all grown up. Ah, whom am I kidding, I'm nothing, I just love the way I look in this dress.
- Ryan Malloy: Oh yeah? And what did you bring the bunny for?
- Tiffany Malloy: Dad mumbled something about the bunny having his heart set on it, I don't know. I don't wanna upset him, he's got a lot of guns, you know.
- [little laugh]
- Tiffany Malloy: I'm sorry it took me so long to get here, but it took me forever to dry my hair.
- [stirring up the feelings of loss amongst the wallflowers]
- Tiffany Malloy: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, come on guys, let's dance.
- Sable O'Brien: [at Halloween party] What are you dressed as?
- Ryan Malloy: [football outfit] I'm Esmeralda's date. Half-back of Notre-Dame.
- Sable O'Brien: Isn't that the Hunchback of Notre-Dame?
- Ryan Malloy: [grinning] You're beautiful, baby, but you don't know a darn thing about football.
- Sable O'Brien: Hey, I'm not the Hair Hacker. With my beautiful hair, I don't need to envy anyone.
- Tiffany Malloy: And you're saying my hair's not beautiful?
- Sable O'Brien: I'm just saying mine's more beautiful.
- Amber Moss: [slamming locker shut] Stop it. You both look great.
- Tiffany Malloy: [in unison with Sable] Aha, it's you!
- Sable O'Brien: [in unison with Tiffany] Aha, it's you!
- Amber Moss: [uncertain] I didn't mean it. You guys both look terrible.
- Tiffany Malloy: Aha, so it really is you. The jealousy's finally coming to the surface, hey, Brillo Head?
- Amber Moss: [quietly hurt] You told me to get the perm.
- Tiffany Malloy: I meant by a professional.
- Amber Moss: Oh, excuse me, but some of us don't have big-shot used car salesmen for fathers.
- [turns around and walks off]
- Tiffany Malloy: [to Sable] What's with coil-head?
- [Sable makes a dismissive gesture]
- Tiffany Malloy: So now we are two, and I suppose we have to trust one another.
- Sable O'Brien: Okay, I trust you.
- Tiffany Malloy: [pointing down] Ooh, what's that?
- [falling for it, Sable looks, and gets shoved into a locker, the door slammed shut]
- Tiffany Malloy: And now I trust you!
- [the sound of yawing garden shears behind her, and she screams as white fright-masked figure approaches]
- Tiffany Malloy: Somebody help me, it's the Hair Hacker!
- [tries climbing into locker with Sable, but it's locked]
- Sable O'Brien: [from inside] There's no one here!
- Tiffany Malloy: [to masked menace] I know who you are! You're the janitor!
- Mad Janitor: [but he is sitting next to lockers, getting even more drunk] Think you got problems? Somebody puked in the punch bowl.
- [to himself:]
- Mad Janitor: Igor, clean this, Igor, clean that.
- [takes another swig]
- Mad Janitor: One day, I'll kill you all!
- Tiffany Malloy: A life with short hair is not worth living!
- [so she isn't afraid of the Hair Hacker anymore, and stands up for herself]
- Tiffany Malloy: Eat bunny!
- [wallops the cad with bunny puppet Mr. Floppy, knocking the menace down]
- Tiffany Malloy: Wow, these eyes are hard as rocks!
- [Hair Hacker lies sprawled]
- Tiffany Malloy: Hey, what's the matter, big brother?
- Ryan Malloy: I wanted to be a hero, and make some points with Sable. Instead, all I got was... dry cake and no milk.
- Tiffany Malloy: Come here, Fletch Face. I'll tell you what, you can still be a hero. Sable's trapped in my locker.
- [smiles]
- Tiffany Malloy: Why don't you go let her out?
- Ryan Malloy: [grins at prospect, cake still stuck to his teeth, rushes over to locker, opens it] All right, don't come out, the maniac's still on the loose
- Sable O'Brien: Oh Ryan! Hold me!
- [he doesn't need inviting twice, jumps in, closing the door behind him]
- Mr. Floppy: [closing lines, reading fan mail] "Dear Mr. Floppy, I love the show, but I've noticed that you haven't featured Jasper the dog in any of your new episodes. What happened? Signed, John S." Dear John, it's a well-kept secret, for like many other TV stars today, Jasper is in rehab with a substance abuse problem. But he's back now, and better than ever, and is off the evil malt liquor.
- [shame-faced little Jasper appears on the couch]
- Mr. Floppy: Hey, buddy, how was Hawaii?
- [stressing the place name as a euphemism, and of course, little Jasper just stands there with hangdog expression]
- Amber Moss: [at the Halloween dance] Wow, you make a great Jessica Rabbit.
- Tiffany Malloy: [showing lots of cleavage] Oh, thanks, but I'm not Jessica Rabbit. I couldn't find the right dress, so I'm Alice in Wonderland, all grown up. Aw, whom am I kidding? I'm nothing, I just love the way I look in this dress.
- Ryan Malloy: [re Mr. Floppy draped over her arm] Yeah? What did you bring the bunny for?
- Tiffany Malloy: Dad mumbled something about the bunny having his heart set on it, I don't know. I didn't want to upset him. He's got lots of guns, you know.