Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

The Salmon Under My Sweater (2004)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Rose : So, Alan. Tell me about yourself.

  Alan Harper : What would you like to know ?

  Rose : Everything. I really don't know that much about you, aside from the fact that you're Charlie's brother and Jake's dad. Graduated from Cal State Long Beach, married your college sweet heart, and sometimes in the middle of the night when you're half asleep you pee sitting down.

  Alan Harper : Have you been spying on me?

  Rose : No, silly. I spy on Charlie. You just get in the way sometimes.

  Alan Harper : You know what? Why don't you tell me about you?

  Rose : Well, okay. Well, let's see. I, too, pee sitting down, so we have that in common. I come from a wealthy family, so, I guess I've had kind of a sheltered life. You know, fancy private schools and colleges.

  Alan Harper : No kidding. What college did you go to?

  Rose : Princeton. But just for two years.

  Alan Harper : Oh. So, you dropped out.

  Rose : No, I finished. Then I came back to California to do my Masters at Stanford.

  Alan Harper : That's amazing. What's your degree in?

  [Alan and Rose are seated in the theater, waiting for the movie to begin. A lady goes to sit down in front of the two but Rose blows a raspberry on her wrist and the lady moves away] 

  Rose : Behavioral psychology.

• Alan Harper : But the truth is, you and I see each other every day, and we really don't know much about each other.

  Berta : So, you want to know what goes on underneath this gruff exterior? Whether somewhere inside me there's a tiny little girl who once dreamed of being a famous ballerina?

  Alan Harper : Is there?

  Berta : If there is, it's because I accidentally ate one, and haven't passed her yet. Let me tell you, I am dreading that tiara.