- Charlie Harper: [about Alan's upcoming colonoscopy] But I hear there's nothing to worry about! It's a tiny little camera! Count your blessings. In the old days, they'd send a sketch-artist up there.
- Alan Harper: [discussing his upcoming colonoscopy] So, I'm really nervous about it.
- Judith Harper: [irritated] That's it?
- Alan Harper: Well, it's a long snakey thing with a camera!
- Judith Harper: Oh, please! Your son was ten pounds at birth and his head was the same size it is now!
- Alan Harper: [taken aback by Charlie's critique of the loud shirt he wants to wear to Las Vegas] Should I change?
- Charlie Harper: You should, but after all these years, I doubt you will.
- [first lines]
- Jake Harper: [raining outside] Well, this is going to be a sucky weekend.
- Charlie Harper: Try spending it with an eleven-year-old who does nothing but complain.
- Jake Harper: You mean me?
- Charlie Harper: No wonder they gotta write your name in your underwear.
- Charlie Harper: [making a hotel reservation] Okay, we're gonna need two rooms: one for Alan Harper and son, and one for Charlie Harper and a cocktail waitress to be named later.
- Jake Harper: [curious about his father's upcoming colonoscopy] Why do they have to do it?
- Charlie Harper: They just want to see what's going on up there.
- Jake Harper: Did Dad *lose* something? 'Cause when I swallowed thirty-five cents, we just waited for it to come out.
- Charlie Harper: No kiddin'.
- Jake Harper: Yeah. But I only got thirty cents back.
- Charlie Harper: Well, the house always takes a cut.
- Alan Harper: Do you really want to drive five hours through the desert with a puking kid in the back of your new Mercedes?
- Charlie Harper: He can stick his head out the window and let the guy behind us worry about it!
- Judith Harper: [to Alan, not believing Jake is sick] I'm not buying it. I'll be back to get him Monday night, and if I find out you went ahead and took him to Vegas, you'll be getting a colonoscopy from my attorney!
- Charlie Harper: [to Alan] I've seen your alimony checks. You already got one.
- Charlie Harper: [to Alan] I think if she wanted to keep you on a leash like a neutered poodle, she shouldn't have divorced you.
- Charlie Harper: What profit a man, if he escapes the iron shackles of matrimony only to surrender to the sexually-frustrated tyranny of a vengeful ex-wife?
- Charlie Harper: I've got two grand in my pocket that's itchin' to turn into twelve bucks and a hangover.
- Charlie Harper: [to Alan] You know what? You need to get your mind off this colonoscopy.
- Berta: Come on! Get in there, you sucker!