Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover (2005)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mrs. Schmidt : What the hell is wrong with you?

  Alan Harper : I don't know...

  [pause] 

  Alan Harper : I was a bottle baby.

• Charlie Harper : ["babysitting" Alan's office for a few hours]  Don't worry about a thing. It's under control. You can count on me.

  Alan Harper : Oh, if I could believe even one of those things.

• Alan Harper : The office opens at eight.

  Charlie Harper : [shocked]  O'clock?

  Alan Harper : [sarcastically]  No, degrees.

• Mr. Malinkovich : Doc, how many more adjustments do you think I'm gonna need?

  Alan Harper : Well, Mr. Malinkovich... um, let's see. My son won't graduate college 'til 2015, so... a lot.

• Alan Harper : There is no one more sympathetic than I, to the plight of the large-breasted woman!

• Alan Harper : [mad at Charlie for not answering his phone when Alan was calling for help]  I just have to accept the fact that I... I can't count on anyone. Least of all, an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum, and only *cares* about what lies between the two!