Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass".
Charlie: Here's $20. That should cover me until lunch.
Alan: [leaving a message on Charlie's aswering machine] Hey Charlie, my wife just kicked me out and I'm losing the will to live, are you there?
Jake: Your mom is my grandma?
Jake: Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.
[Charlie tells Jake he wrote the song to a cereal jingle]
Jake: No lying?
Charlie: Kid, if I wanted to lie to you, I would have said I wrote "Stairway to Heaven".
Alan Harper: Now, what I think you need to do is to make a list. On one side, put what you don't like about our marriage, and on the other side, what you do.
Judith Harper: Alan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you, I start crying in my car.
Alan Harper: Okay, that would probably go on the "don't" side.
Alan: Charlie, the key under the fake rock only works if it's with other rocks, not sitting on your doormat!