Salvadore Ross: [grabs Leah] Listen, I ain't always gonna have dirt on my hands, and I don't need no books to show me which way is up. I got the map, and I'll get there.
Narrator: [opening narration] Confidential personnel file on Salvadore Ross. Personality: a volatile mixture of fury and frustration. Distinguishing physical characteristic: a badly-broken hand, which will require emergency treatment at the nearest hospital. Ambition: shows great determination toward self-improvement. Estimate of potential success: a sure bet for a listing in Who's Who - in The Twilight Zone.
Old Man: [lying in the next hospital bed] You do something to your hand?
Salvadore Ross: No. I came here for a good night's sleep. The Waldorf was gettin' on my nerves.
Old Man: I bet it hurts.
Salvadore Ross: Yeah, it hurts.
Old Man: You're still lucky, though.
Salvadore Ross: My luck wins prizes.
Old Man: [coughing] No, I mean, I've got this awful congestion in my chest.
Salvadore Ross: Are you gripin' about a cold?
Old Man: At your age, it might just be a cold. But at mine, it could easily turn into pneumonia. You know, young man, you could break both legs and an elbow, and you'd still be swimming inside of a month.
Salvadore Ross: Yeah? Well, if you think this is so great, well, let's swap. You take my busted hand, and I'll take your lousy cold.
Old Man: [laughs and then begins to cough again] It's a deal.
Salvadore Ross: Well, are you happy now that you've convinced her that she's too much for a *bum* like Salvadore Ross, hmm?
Mr. Maitland: I admit I wouldn't choose you for my daughter, but it's not my decision, it's hers. Besides, I may be wrong about you. She obviously sees you differently than I do.
Leah Maitland: No, I don't.
[turns to Sal]
Leah Maitland: Not anymore.
[Leah goes in with her father and closes the door]
Salvadore Ross: Why can't I want something in my life and get it?
[punches the door]
Salvadore Ross: Just once.
Leah Maitland: We can't keep seeing each other. I should never have let it gotten started in the first place.
Salvadore Ross: Sure. As long as you're the saintly social worker and I'm one of the crumbs, everything's all right. But as soon as we get too close, why then, you notice I got dirt on my hands.
Leah Maitland: That has nothing to do with it!
Salvadore Ross: And that I don't talk like your old man.
Leah Maitland: Sal, we're just two people who are never going to understand each other.
Salvadore Ross: Baby, with your education, you can come up with a better "Dear John" than that.
Mr. Halpert: Well, where is it?
Salvadore Ross: What?
Mr. Halpert: This wonderful item that I'm supposed to purchase.
Salvadore Ross: Well, you're lookin' at it.
Mr. Halpert: I'm looking at it?
Salvadore Ross: Yeah, it's youth. That's what I want to sell you.
Mr. Halpert: Youth that comes in bot...?
[pushing him out]
Mr. Halpert: Come on, get out of here.
Salvadore Ross: No. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Look, I read in the paper that you're 72 years old, right? I'm 26. Now, what would you give to be 26 years old again, hmm?
Mr. Halpert: I think you're the kookiest kid they ever turned loose on the streets.
Salvadore Ross: How much would you give to be 26 years old again? How much?
[Halpert just looks at him]
Salvadore Ross: Well, come on, how much? Um - a million bucks?
Mr. Halpert: [a little amused] All right, let's say a million dollars.
Salvadore Ross: And what about this pad - you own it?
Mr. Halpert: Yes, I own it.
Salvadore Ross: Do you throw that in as part of the deal?
Mr. Halpert: How do you propose to deliver these years you rave about?
Salvadore Ross: I'm gonna sell you *my* years.
Mr. Halpert: [laughs out loud] All right, I'll tell you what you do. You wrap the years up and mail them to me, huh?
[shows Sal to the door]
Salvadore Ross: But, now, wait a minute, how about the pad? Is that gonna be part of the deal?
Mr. Halpert: Yes, I'll make it part of the deal. I wouldn't think of taking your years for anything less than they're worth.
Salvadore Ross: [excited] Oh man, a million bucks and this pad. You just bought yourself 46 years, Mr. Halpert.
Mr. Halpert: I'm sure I did, boy.
Salvadore Ross: No, you're not sure. But you got a big surprise in store.
Mr. Halpert: [laughing out loud] Go on, get out of here.
[pushes him out the door]
Mr. Maitland: I've thought a lot about it. Though, I realize that you are what you are and it's not my place to judge you...
Salvadore Ross: Oh look, I don't care what you think about me.
Mr. Maitland: Please, please.
Mr. Maitland: I cannot let you ruin her life by marrying her.
Narrator: The Salvadore Ross program for self-improvement. The all-in-one, surefire success course that lets you lick the bully, learn the language, dance the tango, and anything else you want to do - or think you want to do. Money-back guarantee. Offer limited to - The Twilight Zone.