- Johnny Carson: People who break up bar fights don't like to be called bouncers anymore. They'd prefer to be known as airborne doorway transport attendants.
- Johnny Carson: [scanning a list of jokes in a comedy bit gone sideways] I'm editing here as I go along.
- Ed McMahon: ...Could've done some of that this afternoon.
- Johnny Carson: The man who cleans up after the horses in the Rose Bowl parade is the scooperintendent.
- Johnny Carson: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
- Raven-Symoné: Watch yourself, Mr. Carson.
- Johnny Carson: Hm?
- Raven-Symoné: Watch yourself, Mr. Carson.
- Johnny Carson: ...Watch myself? What do you mean?
- Raven-Symoné: Watch yourself; I don't - I don't have any boy - I don't have any boyfriends.
- Johnny Carson: Oh, I didn't say boyfriends; I said brothers or sisters.
- Raven-Symoné: Oh!
- Robert Townsend: [on his friends' requests for him to do character voices] People in Chicago, they used to say, "Well, Robert, you know, I'm gonna ditch school today, so I want you to pretend like you're a doctor." And so I would get on the phone and say,
- Robert Townsend: [in English accent] "Hello - this is Dr. Townsend; yes, I'm calling - Dennis won't be able to make it into school today... No, he's having a hysterectomy."
- Johnny Carson: You don't see anybody beating the incumbent, do you?
- John McLaughlin: Uh, not unless...
- Johnny Carson: The way things are right now.
- John McLaughlin: Not unless there's something catastrophic.
- Johnny Carson: Yeah. Yeah.
- John McLaughlin: Like the economy goes into some kind of terrible tailspin; I think George Bush is probably, uh, invincible.
- John McLaughlin: [on his 1970 Senate run] It was a good race - learned a lot. I think running for elective office is probably one of the most, uh, rewarding experiences one can, uh... one can have.
- Johnny Carson: Yeah.
- John McLaughlin: And I - I enjoyed it greatly.
- John McLaughlin: You're an institution. You're like, uh, Broadway, or baseball. You're like the U.S. Congress. Oh, I really shouldn't say that about anybody.
- Johnny Carson: No, no - please. You were doing so well until you got there.