Ken "Papa" Titus: [Tiffany has run off in tears] A woman runs off in tears. For once I'm not on the ass of that.
Tommy Shafter: Damn you Titus! Damn you!
Christopher Titus: Tommy...
Ken "Papa" Titus: [Tommy runs after Tiffany] Another woman runs off in tears!
Christopher Titus: Tommy, don't you ever sleep with another woman I cheat on Erin with again!
Christopher Titus: Because I will NEVER cheat on Erin again!
Ken: Tommy, you know, I've made jokes about you being gay... Seriously. Think about it.
Ken: Tommy, meet Clive. He knows how to squeeze a ball.
Tommy Shafter: Titus! Titus! Tiffany fell. I think she broke her neck. Call 911.
Nancy: Ah, I'll call 411 and get the number.
Dave: She's panicking. I will call 411 and get the number.
[neutral space... looking through the yellow pages]
Christopher Titus: Ah, 909, 910, 912. Nope, not listed.
Christopher Titus: When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from being walked on. You have to ride shotgun in their lives and protect them, because normal people, oh ho, easily manipulated.
Christopher Titus: Oh, look over there, now look back. Oh, you so need me.
Ken "Papa" Titus: A chick on the floor, covered in salad. This is just like Bob Marshall's bachelor party.
Tommy Shafter: [about his open relationship with Tiffany] She's allowed to sleep with other people.
Christopher Titus: I see. And what do you get?
Tommy Shafter: I get to sleep with her.
Ken "Papa" Titus: This *is* Bob Marshall's bachelor party!
Christopher Titus: When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could you screw that up ? And don't say, "Well, you could cause someone six months of physical therapy." 'Cos, hey, lots of times, those exercise take places in pools and nylon tents with little plastic balls. Fun places like that. And, she gets to park up really close for a while. Ha ha, oh, I'm the bad guy.