Christopher Titus: Christopher Titus

Quotes 

• [Bill punches Mom in the face] 

  Titus : There are three things keeping me from killing you. #1 It's Erin's wedding day. #2 My mom's in the next room and if I kill you she'll scold me. #3 I'm still making payments on this tux, so I can't get your blood on it but, when I'm married, and I'm dressed casually and it's stuff I own, ooooh, I'm so kicking your ass.

  Bill : Where is all this anger coming from?

  Titus : Well, some of it's from my child-hood but a little of it's from you punching my mom in the face.

  Bill : Someone's got their judgement hat and their jury pants on today.

• Titus : Where's my tux?

  Tommy Shafter : Somebody's bringing it.

  Titus : "Somebody" who?

  Tommy Shafter : Nobody. Dave.

  Titus : No!

• Titus : Mom. He hit you!

  Juanita Titus : Everybody has quirks.

  Titus : Mom, a quirk is when you pass gas, you say "there you be!"

  Dave Scouvel : Hey, I'm quirky!

  Titus : Dave.

  Juanita Titus : Christopher, I make it happen. Bill says it's part of my sickness. And he does everything he can before he has to hit me. Tell them, Bill.

• [first lines] 

  Titus : Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce. Well, actually, it's only 41 percent, but my dad's 100% divorce rate threw off the curve.

• [last lines] 

  Titus : Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. I don't know the percentage for murder. My mum killed her last husband. I say last husband 'cos you don't get another one after that. Pretty hard personal ad to get answered. Wanted, loving, caring man who can take a bullet. Okay. So, put the judge here, and the, uh, prosecutor here. You know what ? I'm going to let the bailiff handle it.