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(TV Series)

(2000)

Quotes

Christopher Titus: Thanks for coming, Bill, and punching my dad. I mean, I'd ask you to stay for dessert, but I know my dad, and he's going to make you punch him again.

Christopher Titus (age 5): Who the Hell is Bill?

Christopher Titus: Watch your mouth!

[pauses]

Christopher Titus: Who the

[obsenity censored]

Christopher Titus: is Bill?

10 Yr Old Titus: Hey, you watch your mouth!

Christopher Titus: Sorry.

[last lines]

Christopher Titus: My parents got divorced 'cause that's the way it's supposed to be and they're never going to get back together, again.

5-Year Old Titus: Let's get rid of Bill.

Christopher Titus: Oh, man, you are so smart. Come here.

[lifts himself up to the light switch but pulls him away]

5-Year Old Titus: Come on, Titus!

Christopher Titus: Oh. All right, Titus.

[Juanita's fiancee Bill is analyzing the Titus family]

Ken Titus: He sounds like some dime store shrink!

Bill: Stanford, actually.

[Juanita has revealed that Bill is also her therapist]

Erin Fitzpatrick: What kind of therapist sleeps with his patient?

Dave Scouvel: Actually, it's quite common in erotic cinema.

[Ken has suggested Christopher choose which parent he wants in his life]

Christopher Titus: Why would I choose either of you? Dad, growing up with you was hell.

Ken Titus: Since when?

Christopher Titus: Ages two through now! I mean, high school was just wrapping up, I was getting my life together, and you made me quit the football team.

Ken Titus: Hey, I didn't want you to be one of those guys who fifteen years after high school was still telling stories about his life.

[cut to neutral space]

Christopher Titus: [indicating the room] He doesn't know about this.

Tommy Shafter: You better keep her satisfied in the bedroom! Cause she is a Nympho! No I mean Mr. Titus used to tell me all those stories about her. No you know how I used to think about her. I mean I used to take forty minute showers. Battleship! We should play Battleship! I'll go get mine at home.

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[first lines]

Christopher Titus: My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father / son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.

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[in the neutral space]

5-Year Old Titus: Who the hell is Bill ?

Christopher Titus: Hey, watch your mouth. But who the

[beep]

Christopher Titus: is Bill ?

10-Year Old Titus: Hey, you watch *your* mouth.

5-Year Old Titus: Yeah.

Christopher Titus: Sorry.

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[Christopher has invited Juanita to dinner, and is trying to usher Ken out of the house]

Ken Titus: Hey, hey! It'll take the hounds of hell to get me to leave this house!

Erin Fitzpatrick: [to Christopher] Can I see you in the kitchen?

Christopher Titus: After I get the hounds of hell.

Erin Fitzpatrick: [pulling Christopher away from Ken] They're in the kitchen.

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[Ken refuses to leave Titus' house unless Juanita does]

Christopher Titus: Dad, stay go, whatever. Mom, go eat. Dave, stop eating. Erin... keep looking good.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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