Christopher Titus: Thanks for coming, Bill, and punching my dad. I mean, I'd ask you to stay for dessert, but I know my dad, and he's going to make you punch him again.
Christopher Titus (age 5): Who the Hell is Bill?
Christopher Titus: Watch your mouth!
Christopher Titus: Who the
Christopher Titus: is Bill?
10 Yr Old Titus: Hey, you watch your mouth!
Christopher Titus: Sorry.
Christopher Titus: My parents got divorced 'cause that's the way it's supposed to be and they're never going to get back together, again.
5-Year Old Titus: Let's get rid of Bill.
Christopher Titus: Oh, man, you are so smart. Come here.
[lifts himself up to the light switch but pulls him away]
5-Year Old Titus: Come on, Titus!
Christopher Titus: Oh. All right, Titus.
[Juanita's fiancee Bill is analyzing the Titus family]
Ken Titus: He sounds like some dime store shrink!
Bill: Stanford, actually.
[Juanita has revealed that Bill is also her therapist]
Erin Fitzpatrick: What kind of therapist sleeps with his patient?
Dave Scouvel: Actually, it's quite common in erotic cinema.
[Ken has suggested Christopher choose which parent he wants in his life]
Christopher Titus: Why would I choose either of you? Dad, growing up with you was hell.
Ken Titus: Since when?
Christopher Titus: Ages two through now! I mean, high school was just wrapping up, I was getting my life together, and you made me quit the football team.
Ken Titus: Hey, I didn't want you to be one of those guys who fifteen years after high school was still telling stories about his life.
[cut to neutral space]
Christopher Titus: [indicating the room] He doesn't know about this.
Tommy Shafter: You better keep her satisfied in the bedroom! Cause she is a Nympho! No I mean Mr. Titus used to tell me all those stories about her. No you know how I used to think about her. I mean I used to take forty minute showers. Battleship! We should play Battleship! I'll go get mine at home.
Christopher Titus: My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father / son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.
[in the neutral space]
5-Year Old Titus: Who the hell is Bill ?
Christopher Titus: Hey, watch your mouth. But who the
Christopher Titus: is Bill ?
10-Year Old Titus: Hey, you watch *your* mouth.
5-Year Old Titus: Yeah.
Christopher Titus: Sorry.
[Christopher has invited Juanita to dinner, and is trying to usher Ken out of the house]
Ken Titus: Hey, hey! It'll take the hounds of hell to get me to leave this house!
Erin Fitzpatrick: [to Christopher] Can I see you in the kitchen?
Christopher Titus: After I get the hounds of hell.
Erin Fitzpatrick: [pulling Christopher away from Ken] They're in the kitchen.