Christopher Titus: What's the worst thing you can do to a pretty woman?
Ken Titus: Throw hot acid in her face.
[Titus spit-takes his coffee]
Christopher Titus: Dad, more practical joke, less lifetime deformity.
Ken Titus: I was talking hypothetically! I love Erin!
[after learning Christopher doesn't have bone cancer]
Ken Titus: I don't think I can stand three thousand miles of wussy!
[spotting a hitchhiker]
Christopher Titus: It's one a.m. in the morning in the desert. She's either a werewolf or an alien.
Ken Titus: Maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!
Christopher Titus: Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, "Hey dad, wassup ?" He's thinking, "Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine." Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she's like, "Way, you know, there's enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh."
Christopher Titus: Fathers and sons are natural enemies, 'cos that's the way it's supposed to be. Look at any species, huh. Sharks don't get help from their dads. Instead, they have pilot fish to swim along side of them and eat the parasites off their bodies. I have my own little pilot fish. I call him Dave. And Dave can re-paint a stock car in the back of a semi doing eighty miles an hour in under three days. Huh! Aah ? Paint by... Dave ?
Christopher Titus: Well, I have to go get him.
[after realizing Erin lied about the other one having bone cancer]
Christopher Titus: "If anyone can make the name live on, you can."
Christopher Titus: You're a woman!
Ken Titus: Hey, sound familiar? "Raisins. We're calling it raisins." You squat to pee!