Jerry October: You must be Ken Titus, I'm Jerry October, welcome to "Life Forward", where people discover what holds them back in life.
Ken Titus: All these people have kids?
Christopher Titus: Dad, you're safe here, you're among friends, okay? I just want you to know that I give you my - my love and my forgiveness.
Ken Titus: Great. I'll put that in my tool shed with all the other crap I don't use.
Ken Titus: Hey! Don't you ever call me again and tell me that you love me and you forgive me!
Christopher Titus: Hi, dad.
Ken Titus: I would rather a highway patrol officer show up on my doorstep with your head in a bag!
Ken Titus: You're all a bunch of wussies! Get off your lazy asses, get out of this stupid hotel, and go and fix your useless boring lives!
[Dave is bawling his eyes out]
Dave Titus: [through tears] I... don't know what you... want from... me!
Christopher Titus: I want you to tell me what you want.
Dave Titus: But I told you... What I want. I... Wanna... Get bitten by a radioactive spider and get super powers!
Ken Titus: Hey! Hey! Hey! Back the cult-mobile out of my son's empty brain. That's handicapped parking.
Ken Titus: This isn't Life Forward, Jerry. This is Ass Backwards.
Christopher Titus: Get off your ass and do something. Spread your wings and fly. Or, make your friend fly. And, I don't mean, help your friend fly. I mean, force that chubby little non-aerodynamic bastard to freakin fly.
Christopher Titus: Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop.
Christopher Titus: [looks at poster] You know what ? I'm good for a while.
Christopher Titus: So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an "ignorant, pushy people" person.
Tommy Shafter: [about Christopher] Jerry, this man ran his hot rod shop into the ground, and has not done one thing to get his business back on its feet. J'accuse!
Jerry October: Please don't say that anymore.
Tommy Shafter: Sorry, Jer.
Jerry October: And don't call me "Jer".
Tommy Shafter: Sorry.
Jerry October: Stop apologizing.
Christopher Titus: Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called "Everyone Should Think for Themselves".
[Ken is "fixing" the people at the "Life Forward" seminar]
Ken Titus: [to a fat man] You. Quit eating, start smoking. That'll drop the pounds.
[to a black woman]
Ken Titus: You. You're black, you're pissed about it. Marry a white guy and take all his money in the divorce, that'll even out the bitterness.
[to a bald man]
Ken Titus: You. Wear a hat.