The Thick of It (TV Series)

Episode #2.3 (2005)

Peter Capaldi: Malcolm Tucker

Quotes 

• Malcolm Tucker : So, did you enjoy the show?

  Glenn Cullen : You were magnificent, darling!

  Hugh Abbott : Yeah, should I phone Keith so I can get his team to watch you bollock me now?

  Malcolm Tucker : No no no. Have I got my bollocking face on?

  Hugh Abbott : Well, I...

  Malcolm Tucker : [making a seriously scary face]  No, this is my bollocking face.

  Hugh Abbott : Oh, crickey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way.

  Malcolm Tucker : Did I send that?

  Hugh Abbott : As an office warming present.

  Malcolm Tucker : Christ, she's a great PA isn't she, Sam? She always remembers the little people. Look at the size of that fucker, you can fucking crucify somebody on that!

• Man from another office : [interrupting a loud argument in Hugh's office]  I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please?

  Malcolm Tucker : [walks right up to his face]  I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY SHITE! FUCK OFF!

• Malcolm Tucker : I like your tan, by the way. Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?

  Hugh Abbott : I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend.

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, yeah, and I'm not really your friend anyway.

  Hugh Abbott : You're not really my friend.

  Malcolm Tucker : So, this super-schools bill. You don't think it's so super, do you?

  Hugh Abbott : You're doing it now.

  Malcolm Tucker : What?

  Hugh Abbott : That's your bollocking face.

• Malcolm Tucker : Right, Terri, you're gonna give a press conference in 90 minutes and you're gonna apologise. There's your statement, learn it.

  Terri Coverley : I... I organize the press conferences, I don't give them.

  Malcolm Tucker : God, right, ok well, seen as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, ok? What happens at a press conference is this - a bunch of press people are gonna appear, they got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a "prepared statement". In that you will say "I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8 year old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this and fucking move on? Thank you". Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get keep your job, although you will forever be known as The Sweary Woman of Whitehall.

• Malcolm Tucker : Right. How're you doing, in sorting out whether he lied or not, you doing ok?

  Oliver Reeder : Pretty well, yeah.

  Malcolm Tucker : Is that a lie?

  Oliver Reeder : Yeah.

  Malcolm Tucker : That is not fucking funny, you retard!... I'm sorry about that, Glenn, the situation's just...

• Hugh Abbott : Christ, Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely of glass?

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm a shape shifter.

• Oliver Reeder : [standing several floors up in the atrium of their new building, looking down]  Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think. Good long drop, appreciate audience.

  Robyn Murdoch : What if you just broke your back? You know... you'd be paralysed for life and you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.

  Terri Coverley : What are these, erm, hangy-down things?

  Oliver Reeder : Oh, they're acoustic baffles. They stop it get too echoey, innit.

  Robyn Murdoch : So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?

  Oliver Reeder : Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a PFI building

  Malcolm Tucker : [shouting up from the lobby]  HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!