- Austin Haggard: [to Geri] In my day I got off more big time dirtbags with a slap on the wrist than a lowlife ambulance chaser like you could count. We didn't use any cheeseball victim defense either, we just bought the jury.
- Geraldine Ferrett: But, but I get to go home and do public service, right?
- Austin Haggard: You *are* home, counselor, and I'd rather be dead than you.
- Crypt Keeper: From over seas and underworld, it's the Crypt Keeper Noose Network. Good evening crypts. In the news tonight, wolfman bites dog, vampires say life sucks, mummy takes the wrap after years in "de Nile," and illiterate zombies insist they're better dead than read.
- [the Crypt Keeper than removes a dagger from his head]
- Crypt Keeper: This just in.
- [tosses the dagger aside]
- Crypt Keeper: And our top story tonight is a nasty little soundbite about an ambulance-chasing lawyer whose about to bleed the toughest case of her life. I call it "Let the Punishment Fit the Crime."
- Crypt Keeper: Talk about trial and terror. Still, I think Geri will do just fine. I mean aside from the occasional attack of motion sickness. And now it's time for business news. So Chip, what happened on the shock exchanges today.
- [the Crypt Keeper sees a dagger on the back of Chip's dead body as he spurts blood]
- Crypt Keeper: Oh! Oh sorry, looks like it's time for the spurts report instead.
- [laughs]
- Crypt Keeper: Oh boy!
- Geraldine Ferrett: [sees a man dragged away screaming in terror] What was that about?
- Purdy Lee Dreyfus: Courtroom B. The judge is supposed to be real hard.
- Geraldine Ferrett: So what're you up for?
- Purdy Lee Dreyfus: Felonious auto sales.
- Geraldine Ferrett: What, you sold somebody a hot Studebaker?
- Purdy Lee Dreyfus: No, I turned the odometer back on a car I sold a guy.
- Geraldine Ferrett: [sarcastically] Well that ought to get you 10 years.
- Purdy Lee Dreyfus: I hope so. This is a very strict town.
- Austin Haggard: I think we both should consider...
- Geraldine Ferrett: Yeah, well thank you, counselor, but I will be pleading guilty to this little ripoff and getting the hell out of this town.
- Austin Haggard: No no no, I don't, no, I don't think you want to do that. This is a very strict town.
- Austin Haggard: Hi, I talked to the judge. Well we hit him on a good day. He's agreed to decrease the sentence to misdemeanor public nuisance.
- Geraldine Ferrett: Decrease it? Okay, fine fine, what's it gonna cost me?
- Austin Haggard: Ten.
- Geraldine Ferrett: All this bullshit for ten bucks? Here keep the change.
- Austin Haggard: Not ten dollars, Miss Ferrett, ten lashes. They can flail you now and you can be on your way, as soon as you regain consciousness of course.
- Judge #1: So you were the lawyer that took down Medi-Heart.
- Geraldine Ferrett: Yeah, $56 million, not a bad payday.
- Judge #1: Amazing.
- Geraldine Ferrett: Thank you.
- Judge #1: That a jury could fall for such a load of garbage.
- Geraldine Ferrett: Hey, I proved my case, and my clients were victims of a callous medical establishment.
- Judge #1: In 10 years' of use outside the laboratory the Cardi-Tark-7 Pacemaker never failed, ever.
- Geraldine Ferrett: Uh, that's irrelevant, we all know mechanical devices break. We provided the jury with a range of psychological proofs that the wares of the Medi-Heart pacemakers my clients burdened with that knowledge, suffered life shortening daily trauma.
- Geraldine Ferrett: [dragged to her flailing] Get your hands off me! Let go!
- [comes upon Dreyfus, sobbing with his back to her]
- Geraldine Ferrett: Oh what are you crying about!
- Purdy Lee Dreyfus: [turns around with a bloody hole in the middle of his face] They cut off my nose!
- Geraldine Ferrett: [to Haggard] You stink, you're a nag on his way to the glue factory, you hear me? I'd rather be dead than you!
- Judge #2: You're charged with the illegal solicitation of services in this court, how plead you?
- Austin Haggard: We plead not guilty, by reason of temporary insanity. Your client, My Honor is...
- [takes cards out and reads them]
- Austin Haggard: Your Honor, my client is the actual victim here. As a child she was psychologically abused by her entire family. She repressed these horrors until recently, and this inner turmoil made her act irrationally on the occasion in question.
- Judge #2: [laughs] What a load of... guilty as charged. You ready for sentencing?
- Geraldine Ferrett: Is that your strategy? Are you crazy?
- Austin Haggard: I believe you used the same defense yourself on a number of occasions, I guess I just did not do it right, I am sorry.
- [power flickers as a man is heard screaming while electrocuted]
- Ghoul #2: [laughing] You're not scared, are you?
- Geraldine Ferrett: Who's there?
- Ghoul #1: [walks up with a hole in his chest] Hell, this ain't scary. Scary is not being able to get a pacemaker because you sued the company into bankruptcy, and then having to spend my life savings on surgeries and stuff.
- Ghoul #2: Or *dying* because you can't afford a doctor, because the doctor has to charge so much to pay for his malpractice insurance.
- Geraldine Ferrett: Who are you? What do you want?
- Ghoul #1: Oh, a pound of flesh will do!
- [laughs]
- Geraldine Ferrett: [runs out of the courtroom, sees the electric chair] What the hell? I thought this was the way out!
- Austin Haggard: It *is*.
- Geraldine Ferrett: No!
- [turns to run, is confronted by the ghouls]
- Ghoul #1: Welcome back, dear, I had a feeling we might bump into you again.
- Ghoul #2: And this time, you're gonna get what you deserve.
- Geraldine Ferrett: No! I'm not supposed to get the chair!
- Ghoul #2: Have a seat!