Captain Kirk: Well, opinions?
Chekov: I think we're in a lot of trouble.
Captain Kirk: That's a great help, Mr. Chekov. Bones?
McCoy: I think Chekov's right, we are in a lot of trouble.
Captain Kirk: Spock, and if you say we're in a lot of trouble...
Spock: We are.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd: [explaining his latest trouble] I, uh... sold the Denebians all the rights to a Vulcan fuel synthesizer.
Capt. Kirk: And the Denebians contacted the Vulcans.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd: How'd you know?
Capt. Kirk: That's what I would have done.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Oh. It's a typical police mentality. They've got no sense of humour; they arrested me!
McCoy: Oh, I find that shocking.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Worse than that! Do you know what the penalty for fraud is on Deneb 5?
Spock: Guilty party has his choice. Death by electrocution, death by gas, death by phaser, death by hanging...
Harcourt Fenton Mudd: The key word in your entire peroration, Mr. Spock, was... d-d-d-DEATH. Barbarians! Well, of course I... left.
Capt. Kirk: [to the others] He broke jail.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd: I, ah, borrowed transportation...
Capt. Kirk: He stole a spaceship.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd: ...the patrol reacted in a hostile manner...
Capt. Kirk: They fired at him!
Harcourt Fenton Mudd: They've got no respect for private property - they damaged the bloody spaceship! Well, I... I got away, but I couldn't navigate, so I wandered out through unmapped space. And here I found... Mudd!
[trying to confuse an android]
Spock: Logic is a little tweeting bird chirping in a meadow. Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers which smell BAD. Are you sure your circuits are registering correctly? Your ears are green.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Now listen, Spock, you may be a wonderful science officer but, believe me, you couldn't sell fake patents to your mother!
Spock: I fail to understand why I should care to induce my mother to purchase falsified patents.
McCoy: [talking about Norman] There's something wrong about a man who never smiles, and whose conversation never varies from the routine of the job, and who won't talk about his background.
Spock: I see.
McCoy: Spock... I mean, that it's, uh... it's odd for a non-Vulcan. Um... the ears make all the difference.
McCoy: Well, you must be very unhappy, Mr. Spock.
Spock: That is a human emotion, Doctor, with which I am totally unfamiliar. How could I be "unhappy?"
McCoy: Well, we found a whole world of minds that work just like yours - logical, unemotional, completely pragmatic - and we poor, irrational humans whipped them in a fair fight. Now you'll find yourself back among us illogical humans again.
Spock: Which I find eminently satisfactory, Doctor, for NOWHERE am I so DESPERATELY needed as among a shipload of illogical humans.
Norman: If you do not come with me, your engines will be destroyed and you will remain in orbit here, forever.
Capt. Kirk: I must say that's a gracious invitation.
Norman: There is a word. Among us there is no corresponding meaning, but it seems to mean something to you humans.
Capt. Kirk: And what is that word?
McCoy: [mechanically] You offer us only well-being.
Scott: [mechanically] Food and drink and happiness mean nothing to us.
McCoy: We must be about our job.
Scott: Suffering in torment and pain, laboring without end.
McCoy: Dying and crying and lamenting over our burdens.
[They curtsey sweetly]
Alice #1 through 250: You desire something else, lord?
Chekov: What a shame you're not real.
Alice #251 through 500: We are real, my lord.
Chekov: Oh, I mean 'real girls'.
Alice #1 through 250: We are programmed to function as human females, lord.
Chekov: You are?
Chekov: Harry Mudd programmed you?
Chekov: That unprincipled, evil-minded, lecherous, kulak, Harry Mudd programmed you?
Chekov: This place is even better than Leningrad.
[trying to confuse an android]
Captain Kirk: Everything Harry tells you is a lie. Remember that. Everything Harry tells you is a lie.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Now listen to this carefully, Norman. I am... lying.
Norman: You say you are lying, but if everything you say is a lie, then you are telling the truth, but you cannot tell the truth because everything you say is a lie, but you lie... You tell the truth but you cannot for you lie... illogical! Illogical! Please explain! You are human. Only humans can explain their behavior! Please explain!
Captain Kirk: [giving him the same statement the androids have repeatedly given him several times before] I am not programmed to respond in that area.
Uhura: Because I want an android body. I WANT immortality. I'll live forever, Captain. I'll be young and beautiful.
Alice #1 through 250: We have a very extensive library section for your amusement.
Alice #251 through 500: Our research laboratories and workshops are extremely well equipped.
Captain Kirk: All right, we might later. In the mean time, would you mind leaving us?
Captain Kirk: Because... we don't like you.
McCoy: All right, it's worked so far, but we're not out yet.
Captain Kirk: [to Spock as he enters] Well?
Spock: Success, Captain. We've been pruning the leaves and branches of the tree, now it is time to get to work on the root.
Captain Kirk: What is a man but that lofty spirit, that sense of enterprise, that devotion for something that cannot be sensed, cannot be realized but only dreamed, the highest reality?
Alice #251 through 500: Do you require something, lord?
Capt. Kirk: No. Yes! My ship.
Alice #251 through 500: I am not programmed...
Capt. Kirk: Yes, I know.
Alice #251 through 500: Is there anything ANY of you require to please you?
Capt. Kirk: Alice, give us back our ship to please us. Return us to our ship because we desire it.
Alice #251 through 500: We are programmed to serve. We shall serve you to your best interests to make you happy.
Capt. Kirk: But we're unhappy here.
Alice #251 through 500: Please explain "unhappy."
Spock: Unhappiness is the state which occurs in the human when wants and desires are not fulfilled.
Alice #251 through 500: Which wants and desires of yours are not fulfilled?
Capt. Kirk: We want the Enterprise.
Alice #251 through 500: [her badge number starts to flash] The Enterprise is not a want or a desire. It is a mechanical device.
Capt. Kirk: No, it's a beautiful lady and we love her!
Alice #251 through 500: [badge light remains on] Illogical, illogical. All units relate. All units. Norman, coordinate.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd: [Surrounded by several Stella androids, each complaining to Harry] You can't do this to me, Kirk. It's inhuman!
Chekov: You know this man, Captain?
Captain Kirk: Oh, do I know him? Harcourt Fenton Mudd. Thief.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Oh, come now.
Captain Kirk: Swindler and con man.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Entrepreneur.
Captain Kirk: Liar and rogue.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Did I leave you with that impression?
Captain Kirk: Who caught you?
Harcourt Fenton Mudd: That, sir, is an outrageous assumption!
Captain Kirk: Yes. Who caught you?
Captain Kirk: Scotty! Scotty's dead! He had to much happines. But now he's happier, he's dead. And we'll miss him.
McCoy: Besides, he has avoided two appointments that I've made for his physical exam without reason.
Spock: It's not at all surprising, Doctor. He's probably terrified of your beads and rattles.