SpongeBob SquarePants: [singing] The winner takes all. It's the thrill of one more kill. / The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will. / Don't ever look back on the wind closing in. / The only attack were their wings on the wind. / Oh, the daydream begins... / And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. / And it's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight, / In the sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. / And the world is ours to follow / Sweet, sweet, sweet victory.
[Squidward is trying to start a marching band]
Squidward: OK now, how many of you have played musical instruments before?
Plankton: Do instruments of torture count?
Patrick: Is mayonnaise an instrument?
Squidward: No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument.
[Patrick raises his hand again]
Squidward: Horseradish is not an instrument either.
[Patrick lowers his hand]
SpongeBob SquarePants: What kind of monsters are we? That poor creature came to us in his hour of need, and we failed him. Squidward's always been there for us when it was convenient for him! Evelyn, when your son was trapped in that burning building, who saved him?
Evelyn: A fireman.
SpongeBob SquarePants: And Larry, when your heart gave out from all those tanning pills, who revived you?
Larry the Lobster: Some guy in an ambulance.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Right! So if we all could just pretend that Squidward was a fireman or some guy in an ambulance, then I'm sure we can all pull together and discover what it truly means to be in a marching band.
Fish: Yeah, for the fireman!
Male Fish: Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if *some* people didn't try to play with big, meaty claws.
Mr. Krabs: What did you say, punk?
Male Fish: Big... meaty... claws!
Mr. Krabs: Well, these claws aren't just for attracting mates!
Male Fish: Bring it on, old man! Bring it on!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No people. Let's be smart and bring it off.
Female Fish: Oh, so now the talking cheese is going to preach to us.
[Squidward tries to start a marching band]
Squidward: Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [raises his hand] Is this the part where we start kicking?
Squidward: No, SpongeBob. That's a chorus line.
Patrick: Kicking? Oh, I wanna do some kicking!
[Patrick kicks Sandy]
Sandy Cheeks: Why, you...
[fights Patrick; they tumble outside, and after a while, Patrick peeks his head through the door]
Patrick: Whoever is the owner of a white sedan, you left your lights on.
[Patrick walks in and takes his seat; his head has been pulled through his trombone, and he makes a trombone sound as he walks]
SpongeBob SquarePants: A one. A two. A skiddly-diddly-doo.
Squidward: But I have a theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right?
Squidward: So if we play loud, people might think we're good! Everybody ready?
[band gets ready]
Squidward: And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four.
[band plays loudly, glass breaks]
Squidward: [baton breaks] Okay, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no-one can hear us.
Squidward: [after an embarrassing incident] Too bad that didn't kill me.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, it's no secret that the best thing about a secret is secretly telling someone your secret, thereby secretly adding another secret to their secret collection of secrets, secretly.
[the Bikini Bottom Super Band is playing to a stadium of humans]
Patrick: Those are some ugly looking fish.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Maybe we're near one of those toxic waste dumps.
Mr. Krabs: I think I'm going to be sick.
SpongeBob SquarePants: What could be in that box that Patrick doesn't want me to see? Maybe it's the world's only albino jellyfish. Or maybe Patrick's a master jewel thief and it's full of diamonds. Or maybe he's a deranged maniac who keeps his victims' severed heads in a box. Or even worse, maybe it's a really embarrassing snapshot of me from the Christmas party!
Squidward: [answers phone] Hello. You've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please leave a message after the...
[plays tone on clarinet]
Squilliam: Sounds like you have a dying animal to attend to.
Squidward: Squilliam Fancyson from band class?
Squilliam: I hear you're playing the cash register now.
Squidward: Er, sometimes. How's the unibrow?
Squilliam: It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big, fancy band now, and we're supposed to play the Bubble Bowl next week.
Squidward: The Bu-bu-bu... the Bu-bu-bu... the Bu-bu-bu...
Squilliam: That's right, I'm living your dream, Squidward. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it, so I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.
Squidward: Well, I...
Squilliam: I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll let you get back to the service industry now.
Squidward: Hold it! It just so happens that I don't serve fast food, I do have a band, and we're gonna play that Bubble Bowl! How do you like that, fancy boy?
Squilliam: Good luck next Tuesday. I hope the audience brings lots of *ibuprofen*.
Squidward: I've got to drum up a marching band fast. Drum. He-he. Band humor.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Would you like to hear one of my secrets?
Patrick: Do I?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Let's see... uh, did you know that you're my best friend?
Patrick: No... way! Tell me another secret.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, secretly, I'm a little bit naive.
Patrick: Wow! I'll never look at you the same way again.
Patrick: That's it! You have crossed the line! As of right now, this friendship is over!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Really?
Patrick: No, you can look inside if you really want to.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, boy! this is one of the greatest moments of my life.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Huh?
Patrick: Well, what did I tell you? Isn't it great?
SpongeBob SquarePants: It's just a piece of string.
Patrick: A secret string!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Boy, when you're right, you're right. That is some secret box you got there. Well, good night, Patrick.
Patrick: Good night, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Boy, I should have known. It was just a piece of string all along. Wait 'till I tell Gary.
Patrick: [Laughs] Too bad SpongeBob didn't pull on the secret string, opening the secret compartment of my secret box, revealing one embarrasing snapshot of SpongeBob at the Christmas party! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Merry Christmas, SpongeBob!