Chief Runningwater: You mother is what we Native Americans refer to as "Bear With WIDE Canyon".
Eric Cartman: What do you mean?
Chief Runningwater: She is "Doe Who Cannot Keep Legs Together".
Eric Cartman: Huh?
Chief Runningwater: Your mom's a slut.
Eric Cartman: AY!
Voiceover: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison? Is it Jimbo? Or is it Officer Barbrady? Or could it be Ned? Or Mr. Broflovski? Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park... in just four weeks.
Cartman: What? Son of a bitch!
Mrs. Crabtree: [Eric did not show up for school again, and Stan, Kyle and Kenny are left waiting at the bus stop] Come on! We're running late!
Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!
Mrs. Crabtree: What did you say?
Stan: I said, "We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch."
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh, alright then...
[Bus goes off without them]
Kyle Broflovski: Whoa dude...
Stan: I always wondered if that would work.
Eric Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?
Eric Cartman: Sure, hon.
Eric Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?
Liane Cartman: Uh-huh
Eric Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad, and my friend Kenny has a dad?
Liane Cartman: Yes?
Liane Cartman: Well, what's your question, hon?
Eric Cartman: GODDAMMIT, DO I HAVE A DAD?
Liane Cartman: Oh!
Eric Cartman: I wanna know where I came from.
Liane Cartman: Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other...
Eric Cartman: Uh-huh...
Liane Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
Eric Cartman: So WHO put his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha?
Chef: [singing] When a man loves a woman, and a woman loves a man... well, actually, sometimes the man doesn't really LOVE the woman, but he acts like he does because he want to get a little action, heh-heh. The magic starts to happen, and the two take off their clothes / they caress and hug each other until the part of the man grows / They're rolling around and things are really starting to get hot! And the man says, 'I love you' and the woman says, "Hang on a minute, I gotta go to the bathroom." So you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait... and you wait and you wait and you wait. You wait and you're coolin' down and she's still goin' to the bathroom! Finally, she comes back and she says, 'Ooh, Baby, I'm gettin' hot!' And that's when you've got to jab her foot and pump up full of...
Eric Cartman: WAIT! So who the hell did THAT to my mother?
[Liane Cartman looks at a bunch of manly football players]
Liane Cartman: [orgasmic] Oh, Chef! Oh, CHEF!
Chef: Damn, woman, what's gotten into you?
Liane Cartman: WHOOPEE!
Liane Cartman: Chief, I want your hot man-chowder!
Chief Runningwater: Well, HEL-LO!
[hearing Mr Garrison slept with his mother, and could be his father]
Eric Cartman: NOOOO! GOD, NOOOOO!
Mr Garrison: Okay, okay, I probably made love to your mother that night at the Drunken Barn Dance... but who here DIDN'T?
Kyle Broflovski: Dude, I knew Cartman's mother was a tramp, but COME ON!
Cartman: No, Kitty, this MY potpie!
Cartman: Noooo, Kitty, you can't HAVE any!
Eric Cartman: [having a tea party with his toys] More tea, Rumpertumskin?
Eric Cartman: [as Rumpertumskin] Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.
Eric Cartman: Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?
Eric Cartman: [as Clyde Frog] I think you're a big fat piece of crap.
Eric Cartman: AY!
Eric Cartman: [gangsta] I was just hanging out in the SPC, kicking it with some homies on the West siide...
Kyle Broflovski: Cartman, you live on the EAST side!
[watching Bob Saget on TV]
Stan: This guy sucks!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah. He's almost as bad as that guy on Full House.
[Cartman goes over to Chef's house, thinking he is part black and acting like such]
Chef: Boy, what the fudge are you doing?
Eric Cartman: You know just layin' down some rhymes, with the G-folk, know what I'm sayin...
Chef: Get in here!
[pulls Cartman in]
Eric Cartman: West Siiide...
[hearing his father slept with Liane Cartman]
Kyle Broflovski: Dad, how could you?
Mr Garrison: Seriously, who here has never had sex with Cartman's mother?
[One guy raises his hand]
Mr Garrison: You don't count, Halfie, you don't have any legs...
Eric Cartman: After all this time, I'm actually a naïve American...