Bart: So, what you in here for?
Gordy: I'm from Canada and everyone thinks I'm slow, eh.
Dot: I fell off the jungle gym and when I woke up I was in here.
Warren: I start fires!
Hank Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France?
[Scorpio adjusts a giant laser cannon pointing towards the sky]
Hank Scorpio: Heh heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy...
[Homer's family wants to move back to Springfield, but he likes his new job at Globex]
Homer: We've got it great here. And for the first time in my life I'm actually good at my job. My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions.
[Scorpio has a James Bond-style secret agent strapped to a table with a cutting laser edging up towards him]
Hank Scorpio: Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Bont?
Bont: Scorpio, you're totally mad.
Hank Scorpio: Hah. I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk.
Bont: So, do you expect me to talk?
Hank Scorpio: I don't expect anything from you, except to die and be a very cheap funeral.
Hank Scorpio: You're gonna die now.
Hank Scorpio: [Homer has just stopped one of Scorpio's enemies from escaping, much to his delight] When you go home tonight, there's gonna be another story on your house!
Bart: Let me get this straight: we're behind the rest of our class and we're going to catch up to them by going slower than they are? Coo Coo!
[rest of the class starts mindlessly chanting "Coo coo!", forcing the teacher to individually snap them out of it]
Homer: [gasps] Tom Landry's hat, and it's autographed. "To Berman's Dry Cleaning. Best wishes, Tom Landry."
Bart: Why don't you buy it?
Homer: I can't buy that. Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that.
Homer: Guys like me! I'm a guy like me!
Hank Scorpio: Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?
Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Hank Scorpio: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.
Hank Scorpio: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.
Hank Scorpio: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district!
Hank Scorpio: That's right.
Hank Scorpio: Back to the hammocks, my friend. You know, there's a little place called Mary Ann's Hammocks. The nice thing about that place is Mary Ann gets in the hammock with you.
Hank Scorpio: I'm just kidding.
Hank Scorpio: You know who invented the hammock, Homer?
Hank Scorpio: There's something for you to do: find that out.
Homer: Uh... you have any sugar around here?
Hank Scorpio: Sugar? Sure.
[takes two handfuls of sugar out of his pockets]
Hank Scorpio: There you go. Sorry it's not in packages. Want some cream?
[reaches back into his pockets]
Homer: Uh... I... no.
Marge Simpson: Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum's rush.
Hank Scorpio: We don't have bums in our town, Marge, and if we did they wouldn't rush, they'd be allowed to go at their own pace.
Hank Scorpio: Hey, look at my feet. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet; there's a pair for you. Don't like them? Then neither do I!
[throws them out the door]
Hank Scorpio: Get the hell outta here! Ever see a guy say good-bye to a shoe?
Homer: [chuckles] Yes, once.
Ned Flanders: Uh, huh-huh... Homer, ah... About those things you borrowed from me over the years, you know, the TV trays, the power sander, the downstairs bathtub... You gonna be... needing those things in Cypress Creek?
Ned Flanders: Oh. Uh...
Homer: [coaches Flanders] Okily dokily...
Ned Flanders: Okily dokily!
Apu: Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels!
Homer: Thank you. Come again!
Smithers: What's wrong with this country? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?
Hank Scorpio: When you go home tonight, there's going to be another story on your house!
Leg-up Class Teacher: [the Leg-Up class are playing musical chairs with about four more chairs than there are students. The teacher stops the music and they all sit down] Hooray! Everyone's a winner!
Hank Scorpio: Can't argue with the little things, it's the little things that make up life.
Hank Scorpio: [It's Homer's first day at his new job and his Boss, Scorpio, is showing him around] You will notice, my new best friend, that we are very casual around here.
Homer: Yes Mr.Scorpion, very casual.
Hank Scorpio: Don't call me Mr.Scorpion. It's Mr.Scorpi*o*, but don't call me that either. Call me Hank!
4th Grade Teacher: [On Bart's first day in his new school the teacher discovers he can't read cursive handwriting] So, you never learned cursive?
Bart: Well, I know "hell" and "damn" and "get ben..."
4th Grade Teacher: No, no! Cursive handwriting! Script! Do you know multiplication tables? Long division?
Bart: I know *of* them.
4th Grade Teacher: [Unimpressed] Hmm.
Hank Scorpio: [Hank has just introduced Homer to the staff he will be managing] Give 'em the benefit of your years of experience.
Homer: Don't worry, that won't take long!
Hank Scorpio: The key to motivation is trust. Let me show you what I mean. I want you to close your eyes and fall backwards, and then I'll catch you. That's gonna show you what trust is all about. Ready?
[Homer closes his eyes and prepares to fall backwards. Hank holds out his hands, ready to catch Homer]
Hank Scorpio: Three... Two...
[nearby phone rings]
Hank Scorpio: One second.
[Homer falls backwards as Hank picks up the phone. Naturally, Homer falls straight to the ground with a loud thud]
Hank Scorpio: [to the guy on the phone] Oh my god, guy's on the floor!
Hank Scorpio: That was a phone call! Don't chalk that up to mistrust, now.
Hank Scorpio: [Talking on the phone, seeming more and more concerned as the conversation progresses] What happened?... When did that happen?... How much of it?... Oh my goodness, I'll be right up!
[Hangs up the phone]
Hank Scorpio: Homer, I've gotta go, there's a problem upstairs! Somebody ate part of my lunch!