Kent Brockman: Dozens of people are gunned down each day, but until now, none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. At 3:00 PM Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot, following a tense confrontation at town hall. He was taken to a hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then taken to a better hospital where his condition was upgraded to "alive."
Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him.
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir. You're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight.
Moe: A date.
Moe: Dinner with friends.
Moe: Dinner alone.
Moe: Watching TV alone.
Moe: All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.
Moe: Sears catalog.
Moe: Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment.
[Smithers is at the police station after confessing to having shot Mr. Burns]
Smithers: And when he planned to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy.
Dr. Colossus: Bah! He was a rank amateur compared to... Dr. Colossus! AH-HA-HA, AH-HA-HA-HAAA...
[Laughing maniacally, he presses a button on his belt, "Colosso-Boots" and the soles of his boots extend at super speed - ramming his head into the ceiling]
Dr. Colossus: OW!
Dr. Colossus: When is my lawyer coming?
Lisa: I don't think anyone in this family could be capable of murder.
Grampa: You never know what people are capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane. But last year, I proved myself wrong.
Lisa: Nancy Drew says that all a person needs to solve a mystery is an inquisitive temperament and two good friends. And I've got an inquisitive temperament. Maybe I could help solve this.
Groundskeeper Willie: I could ne'er have shot Burns. It's impossible for me to fire a pistol If you check me medical records, you'll see I have a crippling arthritis in me index fingers.
[holds up his fingers, which are misshapen]
Groundskeeper Willie: I got it from space invaders in 1977.
Chief Wiggum: Oh yeah, that was a pretty addictive video game.
Groundskeeper Willie: Video game?!
Lisa: [in Chief Wiggum's surrealistic dream, a la "Twin Peaks"] Chief Wiggum... Don't... Eat... The... Clues.
[Wiggum looks down at his hand and sees he's holding a burning playing card. Lisa holds up a burning Ace]
Lisa: This suit burns better... Look.
Chief Wiggum: Come again?
Lisa: Better... look... burns suit.
Chief Wiggum: I'm not following you.
Lisa: Burns's suit. Burns's suit.
Chief Wiggum: What?
Lisa: [normal voice] Look at Burns's suit! Sheesh!
Mr. Burns: Officers, arrest the baby.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Well, maybe Texas.
Sideshow Mel: I am Melvin Van Horn. And this is my associate, Herschel Krustofsky.
Krusty the Clown: Hey-hey.
Sideshow Mel: Officers, you have arrested an innocent man!
Chief Wiggum: Really? Ah, jeez.
[Opens cell door]
Chief Wiggum: All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain.
Dr. Colossus: But all my stuff is there.
Chief Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
Homer Simpson: D'OH!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "d'oh".
Eddie: [after Wiggum wakes suddenly from his surrealistic dream] I had an idea, chief. Why don't we check out the suit that Burns was wearing?
Chief Wiggum: Did you have the same backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards?
Eddie: ...I'll drive.
Tito Puente: Revenge? Of course! But why wound his body with bullets, when I can set his soul on fire with a slanderous mambo? Listen, if you will, to my revenge.
[to his orchestra]
Tito Puente: Uno, dos, tres!
Lead Vocalist: [singing] Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song Burns will always carry with him!/So I settle my score on the samba floor, with this vengeful Latin rhythm!/Burns!/Con el corazon de perro!/Senor Burns!/El diablo con dinero!/This may not surprise you, but all of us despise you/Please die, and fry in hell, you rotten, rich, old wretch!/Adios viejo!
Chief Wiggum: [applauding] Yeah! All right, okay! I believe you're innocent. Gee, I hope all the suspects are this much fun.
Grampa: Smingers did it. Case closed. Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse.
Lisa: We don't have an outhouse.
Homer: AH! My toolshed!
[Smithers's memory clears, and he realizes he shot Jasper, not Mr. Burns]
Smithers: So, instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man... that's much worse!
Krusty the Clown: About fifty thousand volts worse, if you know what I mean!
[imitates the sounds of an electric chair and sizzling flesh]
Bart: D.n.a positive i.d. Those won't hold up in any court. Run, dad.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut.
Seymour Skinner: Now, I did, I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. After the meeting, I rushed to the bathroom to apply my camoflauge make-up...
[Flashback: Skinner is standing in front of the men's room mirror]
Seymour Skinner: Blast!
[turns around, his face is made up like a woman's]
Seymour Skinner: I took mother's make-up kit by mistake!
[Superintendant Chalmers enters]
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh! Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
Seymour Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers!
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, my God...
[outside, they hear a gunshot; cut back to the present]
Chief Wiggum: So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?
Seymour Skinner: Oh, yes... But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.
Homer Simpson: [after taking a gun from someone] Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you!
[realizes that he's about to shoot him]
Homer Simpson: [calmly] Before.
[Smithers sits in a confessional]
Smithers: Father, I'm not a Catholic. I tried to march in the St. Patrick's day parade but... anyway, I've got a rather large sin to confess. I'm the one who...
[breaks down sobbing]
Smithers: Who shot Mr. Burns!
[Chief Wiggum opens the screen and cocks his pistol]
Chief Wiggum: That's all I needed to hear. Boy, this thing works great.
Dr. Nick Riviera: Hi everybody!
Mr. Burns: [to the tune of "Hi Dr. Nick"] Ho-mer Simp-son!
Dr. Nick Riviera: Okay, that was weird
Mr. Burns: Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.
Mr. Burns: Homer Simpson?
Homer Simpson: So, you finally learned my name eh?
Mr. Burns: [shaking his head] Homer Simpson.
Homer Simpson: I've got no time for your demented parlor games! You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you.
Dr. Nick Riviera: When you were in that coma did you feel your brain getting damaged?
Lisa: I don't think anyone in this family is capable of attempted murder.
Grampa: You never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a german plane. But last year I proved myself wrong.
Lisa: But I could never shoot someone.
Bart: Could so.
Lisa: Could not.
Bart: Could so.
Lisa: Could not.
Bart: Could so.
Lisa: Could not.
Marge Simpson: Grampa, I found your cigar box dug up in the backyard, but the gun wasn't there. Have you seen it?
Grampa: You accuse me of everything around here! "Who put slippers in the dishwasher? Who threw a cane at the TV? Who fell into the china hutch?"
Marge Simpson: I was just asking if you'd seen it. There's no need to be a prickly pear.
[Marge leaves the room. Grampa pulls out his Smith & Wesson revolver and caresses it]
Grampa: Oh, you're the bee's knees, baby. I missed you bad...
Marge Simpson: [returning] Were you talking to me, Grampa?
Grampa: [hiding the gun] Uh... yes.
Marge Simpson: [shudders] Ugh.