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"The Simpsons" Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 2 (TV Episode 1995) Poster

Quotes

Lisa: [in Chief Wiggum's surrealistic dream, a la "Twin Peaks"] Chief Wiggum... Don't... Eat... The... Clues.

[Wiggum looks down at his hand and sees he's holding a burning playing card. Lisa holds up a burning Ace]

Lisa: This suit burns better... Look.

Chief Wiggum: Come again?

Lisa: Better... look... burns suit.

Chief Wiggum: I'm not following you.

Lisa: Burns's suit. Burns's suit.

Chief Wiggum: What?

Lisa: [normal voice] Look at Burns's suit! Sheesh!

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Kent Brockman: Dozens of people are gunned down each day, but until now, none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. At 3:00 PM Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot, following a tense confrontation at town hall. He was taken to a hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then taken to a better hospital where his condition was upgraded to "alive."

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[Smithers is at the police station after confessing to having shot Mr. Burns]

Smithers: And when he planned to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy.

Dr. Colossus: Bah! He was a rank amateur compared to... Dr. Colossus! AH-HA-HA, AH-HA-HA-HAAA...

[Laughing maniacally, he presses a button on his belt, "Colosso-Boots" and the soles of his boots extend at super speed - ramming his head into the ceiling]

Dr. Colossus: OW!

[groans]

Dr. Colossus: When is my lawyer coming?

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Mr. Burns: Officers, arrest the baby.

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Well, maybe Texas.

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Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?

Moe: No.

[buzz]

Moe: All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him.

[ding]

Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir. You're free to go.

Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight.

[buzz]

Moe: A date.

[buzz]

Moe: Dinner with friends.

[buzz]

Moe: Dinner alone.

[buzz]

Moe: Watching TV alone.

[buzz]

Moe: All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.

[buzz]

Moe: Sears catalog.

[ding]

Moe: Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment.

[buzz]

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Sideshow Mel: I am Melvin Van Horn. And this is my associate, Herschel Krustofsky.

Krusty the Clown: Hey-hey.

Sideshow Mel: Officers, you have arrested an innocent man!

Chief Wiggum: Really? Ah, jeez.

[Opens cell door]

Chief Wiggum: All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain.

Dr. Colossus: But all my stuff is there.

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Mr. Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut.

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Lisa: I don't think anyone in this family could be capable of murder.

Grampa: You never know what people are capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane. But last year, I proved myself wrong.

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Chief Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.

Homer Simpson: D'OH!

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "d'oh".

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Eddie: [after Wiggum wakes suddenly from his surrealistic dream] I had an idea, chief. Why don't we check out the suit that Burns was wearing?

Chief Wiggum: Did you have the same backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards?

Eddie: ...I'll drive.

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Seymour Skinner: Now, I did, I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. After the meeting, I rushed to the bathroom to apply my camoflauge make-up...

[Flashback: Skinner is standing in front of the men's room mirror]

Seymour Skinner: Blast!

[turns around, his face is made up like a woman's]

Seymour Skinner: I took mother's make-up kit by mistake!

[Superintendant Chalmers enters]

Superintendent Chalmers: Oh! Uh, excuse me, ma'am.

Seymour Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers!

Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, my God...

[outside, they hear a gunshot; cut back to the present]

Chief Wiggum: So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?

Seymour Skinner: Oh, yes... But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.

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Homer Simpson: [after taking a gun from someone] Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you!

[realizes that he's about to shoot him]

Homer Simpson: [calmly] Before.

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Tito Puente: Revenge? Of course! But why wound his body with bullets, when I can set his soul on fire with a slanderous mambo? Listen, if you will, to my revenge.

[to his orchestra]

Tito Puente: Uno, dos, tres!

[music]

Lead Vocalist: [singing] Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song Burns will always carry with him!/So I settle my score on the samba floor, with this vengeful Latin rhythm!/Burns!/Con el corazon de perro!/Senor Burns!/El diablo con dinero!/This may not surprise you, but all of us despise you/Please die, and fry in hell, you rotten, rich, old wretch!/Adios viejo!

[music ends]

Chief Wiggum: [applauding] Yeah! All right, okay! I believe you're innocent. Gee, I hope all the suspects are this much fun.

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Lisa: Nancy Drew says that all a person needs to solve a mystery is an inquisitive temperament and two good friends. And I've got an inquisitive temperament. Maybe I could help solve this.

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[Smithers sits in a confessional]

Smithers: Father, I'm not a Catholic. I tried to march in the St. Patrick's day parade but... anyway, I've got a rather large sin to confess. I'm the one who...

[breaks down sobbing]

Smithers: Who shot Mr. Burns!

[Chief Wiggum opens the screen and cocks his pistol]

Chief Wiggum: That's all I needed to hear. Boy, this thing works great.

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Dr. Nick Riviera: Hi everybody!

Mr. Burns: [to the tune of "Hi Dr. Nick"] Ho-mer Simp-son!

Dr. Nick Riviera: Okay, that was weird

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Groundskeeper Willie: I could ne'er have shot Burns. It's impossible for me to fire a pistol If you check me medical records, you'll see I have a crippling arthritis in me index fingers.

[holds up his fingers, which are misshapen]

Groundskeeper Willie: I got it from space invaders in 1977.

Chief Wiggum: Oh yeah, that was a pretty addictive video game.

Groundskeeper Willie: Video game?!

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Mr. Burns: Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.

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Grampa: Smingers did it. Case closed. Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse.

[leaves]

Lisa: We don't have an outhouse.

Homer: AH! My toolshed!

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Mr. Burns: Homer Simpson?

Homer Simpson: So, you finally learned my name eh?

Mr. Burns: [shaking his head] Homer Simpson.

Homer Simpson: I've got no time for your demented parlor games! You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you.

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Eddie: Damn fools! Drive thru's not for a-parkin!

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Dr. Nick Riviera: Hi everybody!

Mr. Burns: Ho... mer Simp... son

Mr. Burns: Okay?

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Dr. Nick Riviera: When you were in that coma did you feel your brain getting damaged?

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Lisa: I don't think anyone in this family is capable of attempted murder.

Grampa: You never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a german plane. But last year I proved myself wrong.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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