Superintendent Chalmers: Why is it when I heard the word "school" and the word "exploded" I immediately thought of the word "SKINNER"?
Lisa Simpson: [on the phone] Oh, no! That's awful, Mr. Puente. What? Oh, he owns the nuclear power plant. Yeah, I'd like to settle his hash, too.
[hangs up the phone]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, how can you work for a man like Mr. Burns?
Homer: Well, he's not all bad. He did send me this nice thank-you card.
Lisa Simpson: Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.
[Homer looks at the card and lowers it slowly; his pupils shrink in anger]
Homer: Kids, would you step outside for a second?
[Bart and Lisa run outside as Homer stands up]
Homer: [inhales deeply] F...
[church organ plays a chord, birds fly away and everyone looks at the Simpson house]
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!
Abe Simpson: Hey, the lamp's running away!
Bart Simpson: That's my dog, man!
Abe Simpson: So long, lamp.
Marge Simpson: I must say, Mr. Burns is being awfully inconsiderate - selfish, even.
Bart Simpson: Burns needs some serious boostafazoo, right Dad?... Dad?... Homer!
Lisa Simpson: [Bart pulls paper away to reveal Abe]
[Abe, Bart Lisa all scream]
Lisa Simpson: Sorry, Grampa. It's just that for a second it looked like Dad had melted.
Abe Simpson: Well, get used to it, 'cause I'm living here now. I ain't going back to the retirement home until they fish my bed out of that sinkhole.
Marge Simpson: Strained carrots for Maggie, strained carrots for Grampa.
Abe Simpson: [Whining] I want a bib too!
Moe Szyslak: I lost my bar!
Barney Gumble: I lost his bar!
Lisa Simpson: He robbed the school of music!
Principal Skinner: He robbed the school of financial security!
Tito Puente: He robbed the school of Tito!
Homer: He can't remember my name!
Marge Simpson: He's causing us all to yell!
[Maggie sucks her pacifier violently]
Bart Simpson: Look what he did to my best friend!
[Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies]
Bart Simpson: No, my dog!
[Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart]
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters, chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?
Homer: [gets a package that has to be sent out but returns it to Mr. Burn's office] Here's your package, Mr. Burns!
Mr. Burns: My name is the return address! Smithers, who is this nincompoop?
Homer: [thinking] I've worked here for 10 years and my boss doesn't even know my name! Well, that's going to change right now!
Homer: My name is Homer J. Simp...
[Homer gets hit on the head with a weight that says 1000 Grams]
Mr. Burns: Hm, sounded large when I ordered it. I don't think I should bother with these metric booby traps!
Groundskeeper Willie: Aaaaaaaaaagh! I'll *kill* that Mr Burns! And wound that Mr Smithers!
Mr. Burns: Have you ever seen the sun set at 3pm?
Sea Captain: Aye, once. When I was sailing 'round the Arctic...
Mr. Burns: Shut up, you. Take one last look at the sun, Springfield!
[activates the Sunblocker]
Mr. Burns: Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I shall do the next best thing: block it out.
Abe Simpson: [Bart finds Grampa's gun] That's my old Smith and Wesson. If you're gonna play with it, be careful, 'cause its loaded.
Marge Simpson: [Walking in] Argh! Bart, put that down! Guns are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house.
Abe Simpson: [Marge takes the gun away] How can you have a house without a gun? What if a bear came through that door?
Marge Simpson: I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it.
Abe Simpson: Geesh! You should have fired into the air. She would have run off!
[the school has come into money and everyone's suggesting how to spend it]
Lunchlady Doris: The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen. I want to hire a new staff.
Principal Skinner: Willie, sometime over the holiday the beloved grade four gerbil, uh... "Superdude," lost his life. I need you to air out the classroom and give Superdude a proper burial.
Groundskeeper Willie: Burns cost me my job at Springfield Elementary, and I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.
Mr. Burns: Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about?
[pause, then a gasp]
Mr. Burns: I see. I think you'd better drop it. I said... drop it!
[grunts of a struggle]
Mr. Burns: Get... your... hands... off!
Marge Simpson: Where is everyone?
[after a gunshot is heard, Burns staggers out of the alley, clutching a bleeding wound in his chest]
Jimbo Jones: Hey, man. Are you okay?
Mr. Burns: Won't... dignify that... with response.
[collapses on the sundial]
Smithers: [over the intercom] Principal Skinner, this is a secretary. There's one more student who wishes to speak to you.
Principal Skinner: That strange, I don't have a secretary... or an intercom, but send him in.
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters dressed as a student] Ahoy there, dean. I understand that you're taking suggestions from students. Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking if you were to reinvest that money back into the local energy concern.
Principal Skinner: [clears throat] Mr. Burns...
[Burns exclaims in shock]
Principal Skinner: It was naive of you to think I'd mistake this town's most prominent 104-year-old man for one of my elementary school students.
Mayor Quimby: People, take it easy. We're all upset about Mr. Burns' plan to, uh, block out our sun. It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings, who with some cajoling, will pass it along to him or at least give him the gist of it.
Quimby's Aide: [Whispers] Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns.
Mayor Quimby: Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore I will step aside and open up the floor.
Smithers: [Smithers, unshaven and drunk, stands up]
Smithers: Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to... a friend. But he fired me! And now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central!
Doctor Hibbert: Oh, dear God!
Smithers: Eh, it's not that bad. I never miss Pardon My Zinger.
[Ned wraps a blanket around him]
Groundskeeper Willie: Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school. And I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.
Abe Simpson: Because of him, I lost my room, my things and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines.
Crazy Old Man: You bastard!
[Mrs. Krabappel is spraying air freshener in the classroom]
Bart Simpson: Yuck! What reeks?
Nelson Muntz: Smells like one of van Houten's.
Milhouse van Houten: It does not!
[last lines of the episode as the Springfieldians gather to see Mr. Burns laid out on the sundial]
Patty Bouvier: Mr. Burns has been shot.
Chief Wiggum: Just a minute! This isn't Mr. Burns at all! It's a mask!
[Wiggum pulls on Burns' face]
Chief Wiggum: Wait, it is Burns.
Chief Wiggum: His wrinkly skin looks like a mask.
Marge Simpson: I don't think we'll ever know who did this. Everyone in town is a suspect.
[the camera pans across the Springfieldians and stops on Dr. Hibbert, who chuckles]
Doctor Hibbert: Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?
[Hibbert points to the camera which pulls back to reveal that he's pointing to Wiggum]
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, it's my job, right?
[to be continued... ]