Homer Simpson: [chops down a door a la The Shining] Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!
[there's no one in the room]
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[chops down another door]
Homer Simpson: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavid Letterman!
Grandpa Simpson: Hi, David, I'm Grampa.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[chops down another door and holds a stopwatch]
Homer Simpson: I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!
Montgomery Burns: That's odd. Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.
Bart Simpson: Hey! I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.
Groundskeeper Willy: Why you little...
Groundskeeper Willy: No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father's going to go crazy and chop 'em all into haggis!
Bart Simpson: What's haggis?
Groundskeeper Willy: [gasps] Boy... you read my thoughts! You've got the Shinning.
Bart Simpson: You mean "Shining".
Groundskeeper Willy: [sotto voce] Shh! You want to get sued? Now look, boy: if your Dad goes gaga, you just use that... Shin of yours to call me and I'll come a running. But don't be reading my mind between four and five. That's Willy's time!
Montgomery Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV, and the beer supply, I'll be able to ensure an honest winter's work out of those low-lifes...
Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
Montgomery Burns: Mmm, perhaps. Tell you what, we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.
[Marge enters a large room, with a typewriter in the middle]
Marge Simpson: Homer? Homer?
[sees the typewriter]
Marge Simpson: What he's typed will be a window into his madness.
[approaches the typewriter and reads:]
Marge Simpson: "Feelin' fine." Well, that's a relief.
[Lightning flashes and illuminates the room, showing "NO TV AND NO BEER MAKE HOMER GO CRAZY" scrawled again and again all over the walls in wild letters]
Marge Simpson: Mmm... this is less encouraging.
Mr. Burns: This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.
Homer: [shudders] Oh... John Denver.
Lisa: Bart, does it strike you as odd that Uter disappeared and suddenly they're serving us this mysterious food called "Uterbraten"?
Principal Skinner: Oh relax kids, I've got a gut feeling Uter's around here somewhere hahahahaha, after all isn't there a little Uter in all of us? hahahaha... hahaha, in fact, you might even say we just ate Uter, and he's in our stomachs... right now! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!... Wait, scratch that one.
Homer Simpson: [after using a time-traveling toaster, Homer suddenly finds himself in the dinosaur era] Okay, don't panic! Remember the advice Dad gave you on your wedding day.
Grandpa Simpson: [Flashback of younger Grampa in a tuxedo] If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything. Because even the slightest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.
Homer Simpson: Well, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and no beer make Homer something, something.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer Simpson: Don't mind if I do!
Groundskeeper Willy: [after being hacked in the back with an axe for the third time in the third act] Oh, I'm bad at this.
[falls down dead]
[Marge drags an unconscious Homer into the cellar]
Marge Simpson: You stay here until you're no longer insane!
[turns to the shelves]
Marge Simpson: Hmm, chili would be good tonight.
[a ghostly Moe appears in the hotel's bar]
Moe Szyslak: So, what'll it be, Homer?
Homer Simpson: Moe, gimme a beer!
Moe Szyslak: No. Not unless you kill your family.
Homer Simpson: Why should I kill my family?
Moe Szyslak: Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts.
Homer Simpson: You don't look so happy.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, I'm happy! I'm very happy! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! See? Now waste your family, I'll give you a beer!
Marge: [Bart awakens from a nightmare] Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back home with your family now, where there's nothing to be afraid of... except that fog that turns people inside out.
Homer: [the fog starts coming in] Uh-oh, it's seeping in. STUPID CHEAP WEATHER STRIPPING!
[everyone screams as the fog turns them inside out; then they stop screaming, looking at each other. Music plays, and they start dancing and singing]
Groundskeeper Willie: [Willy, also turned inside out, jumps on stage] Too...!
Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa, Groundskeeper Willie: Many dancing people, covered in blood, gore, and glop!/Just one sniff of that fog and you're inside out!/It's worse than that flesh-eating virus you've read about!/Vital organs, they are what we're dressed in, the family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine!/Happy Halloween!
Marge: [on radio] Husband on murderous rampage. Send help. Over.
Chief Wiggum: Whew, thank God that's over. I was worried for a little bit.
Homer: I've gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos.
Principal Skinner: I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes... I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts.
Moe: Homer, it's Moe. Uh, look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward.
Homer Simpson: Can't murder now, eating.
Moe: Oh, for crying out loud. Come on!
Lisa Simpson: Dad, look!
[holds TV up]
Homer Simpson: Television! Teacher, mother...
Homer Simpson: [lustily] ... secret lover. Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading - rising! Fading... fading... gone.
Homer Simpson: Come, family. sit in the snow with daddy and let us all bask in TV's warm glowing warming glow.
[Hours later, everyone is frozen]
man introducing Tony Awards: [on TV] Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden!
Bart Simpson: [with difficulty] Homer... change channel.
Homer Simpson: Can't! Frozen!
[music on TV: "One chorus line of people...?]
Homer Simpson: [family screams]
Homer Simpson: Urge to kill... rising...
Groundskeeper Willy: You're still not in your own world, Homer. You can have the house, but you have to do exactly as I...
[Gets killed by Maggie who hits him with an axe]
Maggie Simpson: This is indeed a disturbing universe.
Homer Simpson: [Homer is falling through a time warp filled with clocks] Wow! I'm the first non-Brazillian person to travel backwards through time!
Mr. Peabody: [Mr. Peabody and Sherman, the time traveling duo from the Rocky & Bullwinkle show, float past] Correction, Homer, you're the second.
Sherman: That's right, Mr. Peabody.
Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you!
Kang: [Homer keeps carelessly distorting the time line, trying to get back to his own universe. Kang and Kodos the aliens watch from space as Homer's meddling causes 742 Evergreen Terrace to repeatedly change from one bizzarre form to another] Foolish earthling! Totally unprepared for the effects of time travel!
[They both laugh]
Kang: [Suddenly, one of the changes Homer makes to the timeline causes Kang and Kodos's bodies to transform to those of Sherman and Mr. Peabody] What happened to us, Kodos?
Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you!