Freddy Krueger: I don't get it. They should be here by now.
Jason Voorhees: Ah, what are you gonna do?
Krusty the Clown: [dressed as a vampire] Hey, hey.
[reads cue card]
Krusty the Clown: Tonight I'm going to suck!
[next cue card]
Krusty the Clown: Your blood.
[Homer is dressed in tattered clothes, and eating beans from a can]
Marge Simpson: Oh, Homer you're not going as a hobo again?
Homer Simpson: Going where?
[Bart and Lisa have been zapped inside the TV, and are being chased by Itchy and Scratchy when Homer changes the channel to "Regis & Kathie Lee"]
Kathie Lee: [cooking soup] OK, now we add salt.
[Bart and Lisa fall into the soup, splashing it]
Regis: OW! My eyes! My eyes! Oh, God! My beautiful eyes!
[Itchy and Scratchy fall in, also splashing]
Kathie Lee: That's it! I'm going home. Dom DeLuise can interview himself.
Regis: My eyes!
Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
Homer: You intergalactic hussy.
Homer: Was he better than me?
Marge Simpson: [after the aliens left] Suckers!
Homer Simpson: [to Maggie] Come on Maggie. Let's go home.
Maggie: [removes pacifier] Very well, I'll drive!
Maggie: I need blood.
Lady in Audience: Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is.
Jerry Springer: Homer.
Lady in Audience: Nah, the green dude.
Lisa Simpson: [pushes his food away] I just lost my appetite.
Lisa Simpson: [pushes her food away] Me, too.
Homer Simpson: [grabs Lisa's food] Wait, mine came back!
Scratchy: Hey you're beautiful.
Marge: Aww. Look who's found a new love. That means you'll have to be neutered.
Scratchy: [grabbing himself] NOOOOOOO!
Homer Simpson: Mama took those batteries / She took them away / Mama took those batteries / Size double-A!
Kent Brockman: [grim] ... and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night.
Kent Brockman: On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
Chief Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Syzslak and Apu Nahassa... passa... well, just Moe, just Moe.
Kang: Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?
Marge Simpson: Wow! If your fly weren't open, you'd look just like Roger Moore!
Homer Simpson: [after he pulls Maggie's legs off] Look, Marge! Maggie lost her baby legs!
Marge Simpson: [as the Jerry Springer show goes to commercial] I am so
Marge Simpson: embarrassed!
[Kodos and Kang appear at The Simpsons' door]
Homer: Oh no, Mormons!
Kang: Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.
[after being transported into the "Itchy & Scratchy Show"]
Bart: Lise, look. We're characters in a cartoon show.
Lisa: How humiliating.
Marge Simpson: I can't believe it. Jerry Springer couldn't solve our problem.
Lisa Simpson: And now he's dead.