Bart Simpson: Our final painting is the most horrible of all. To even gaze upon it is to go mad...
Homer Simpson: AH! They're dogs! And they're playing poker! AHHHH!
[Homer begins laughing hysterically, and runs away shrieking]
[Homer is trapped in Hell for the day]
Demonic Torturer: So, you like donuts, eh?
Homer Simpson: Um-hmm.
Demonic Torturer: Well, have all the donuts in the world!
[the Demonic Torturer cackles while a machine stuffs Homer's mouth full of donuts. Dissolve to several hours later, the Demonic Torturer is baffled as Homer, whose body has gained a few extra hundred pounds, continues to eat and eat]
Homer Simpson: More!
Demonic Torturer: I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in fifteen minutes!
Grampa Simpson: [runs into the room with a hammer and a wooden stake] Quick! We have to kill the boy!
Marge Simpson: How'd you know he was a vampire?
Grampa Simpson: He's a vampire? AHHH!
Ned Flanders: I give you the jury of the damned. Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon...
Richard Nixon: But I'm not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.
Ned Flanders: Hey listen, I did a favor for you!
Richard Nixon: Yes, Master.
Ned Flanders: John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, and the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.
[watching Homer selling his soul to the devil on a monitor]
Mr. Burns: Hmm... who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.
Lisa Simpson: Dad, Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!
Montgomery Burns: Why, Bart's right here!
Bart Simpson: Hello, mother. Hello, father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.
Homer Simpson: Oh, Lisa! You and your stories! "Dad, Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's get back to that... building thingy... where our beds and T.V... is.
Ned Flanders: Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for...
[Homer has already scarfed the donut]
Homer: Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?
Ned Flanders: Well, technically no, but...
Homer: I'm smarter than the Devil! I'm smarter than the Dev-!
[Flanders turns into a huge demon]
Ned Flanders: You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson!
[Lisa takes a sip from her chalice and gasps]
Lisa Simpson: Ew, God, this is blood!
Homer Simpson: Correction: FREE blood.
[guzzles it down and sighs]
Bart Simpson: Paintings... lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to Hell so scary and horrible and gruesome that...!
Marge Simpson: Bart! You should warn people that this episode is very frightening. Maybe they'd rather listen to that old "War of the Worlds" broadcast on NPR, hmm?
Bart Simpson: Yes, Mother.
Lisa Simpson: Grampa's a vampire?
Bart Simpson: We're all vampires.
[Bart, Homer, Marge, and Maggie all float into the air, baring their fangs as Lisa backs away in horror]
Lisa Simpson: But... no! We killed Mr. Burns!
Homer Simpson: You have to kill the *head* vampire?
Lisa Simpson: [gasp] You're the head vampire?
Marge Simpson: No, *I'm* the head vampire!
[She laughs demonically]
Lisa Simpson: Mom?
Marge Simpson: [normal voice] Well, I do have a life outside this house, you know.
Montgomery Burns: [welcoming the Simpsons via intercom at the front door] Welcome! Please come in...
Montgomery Burns: Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead.
Waylon Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of the button.
Montgomery Burns: Oh, son of a bi-
Principal Skinner: Now, I've got the word that a child is using his imagination and I've come to put a stop to it.
Lisa: No, no, they're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking undead! Nosferatu! Das Wampyr!
[the rest stare at her blankly]
Lisa: A vampire!
Homer: [Chuckles] Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
Marge: Wait! Before you send him to hell, there's something you should see. That's a photo of Homer and I at our wedding.
Richard Nixon: Wait a minute. You got married in an emergency room?
Marge: Well, Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself... before the wedding.
[the Jury of the Damned all laugh]
Marge: Read the back, the back.
Blackbeard: Arrr! 'Tis some sort of treasure map.
Benedict Arnold: [snatches it away] You idiot, you can't read!
Blackbeard: Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensatin'.
Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
Marge Simpson: [Homer's Head is turned into a huge donut, and is eating it] Homer, stop picking at it.
Homer Simpson: But, I'm so sweet and tasty.
[Looks at his watch]
Homer Simpson: Well, time to go to work.
Lisa Simpson: [Getting in Homer's way] No dad. I wouln't go outside if I were you.
Chief Wiggum: [With the rest of Springfield's police force waiting outside of the Simpson's home with their coffee mugs] Don't worry, boys, he's gotta come outta there sometime.
Lionel Hutz: Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.
Marge: But we did win.
Lionel Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty.
Bart Simpson: [sees the gremlin eating away at the school bus] Otto, you've got to do something. There's a gremlin on the side of the bus!
[Otto looks out the window. Alongside the bus is an AMC Gremlin being driven by Hans Moleman]
Otto: No problem-o, Bart dude. I'll get rid of it.
[runs Moleman off the road]
Hans Moleman: No! Oh, no. I just made my last payment.
[the car comes to a stop, tapping lightly against a tree. Hans sighs in relief, before the car explodes]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, do you notice anything strange?
Homer Simpson: Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer.
Montgomery Burns: I heard that!
Homer Simpson: [quickly points to Bart] It was the boy!
Homer Simpson: [reading a note] "Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead!
Principal Skinner: Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.
[Marge has to find seats for the Jury of the Damned]
Marge: I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs and this is the last one.
Blackbeard: Arrr! This chair be high, says I.
Lionel Hutz: Very well, but first some ground rules. Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half hour.
Ned Flanders: Agreed! Number two, the jury will be chosen by me!
Lionel Hutz: Agreed... no, wait...
Ned Flanders: Silence!
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wassn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.
Kent Brockman: Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene.
[the cape says "DRACULA."]
Kent Brockman: Police are baffled.
Bart: Come join us, Lisa, it's so cool. You get to stay up all night drinking blood.
Milhouse: And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies.
Homer: Oh, I'd sell my soul for a donut.
Ned Flanders: Well, that can be arranged.
Homer: What? Flanders. You're the devil?
Ned Flanders: Ho-ho, it's always the one you least suspect.
[Bart awakens from a nightmare, and notices his sheets are wet]
Bart Simpson: Ewww... I hope this is sweat.
Bart Simpson: Milhouse, quick! Look out the window!
Milhouse: No way, Bart. If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear admiral!
Lisa: You must drive this stake right through his heart.
Homer: Take that, vile fiend!
[pounds the stake]
Lisa: Uh, Dad? That's his crotch.
Homer: [reading] "Dear Homer, I owe you one emergency donut. Signed, Homer."
[crumbles up paper]
Homer: Bastard. He's always one step ahead.
[Flanders opens a hole in the floor to Hell, but Homer gets stuck in it]
Ned Flanders: Your wide behind won't save you this time.
[Bart is hanging out the window of the school bus. Principal Skinner and Groundskeeper Willie are trying to pull him back in]
Principal Skinner: Pull, Willie, pull!
Groundskeeper Willie: I'm doin' all the pullin', ya blouse-wearin' poodle-walker!
Homer Simpson: It sure was nice of Mr Burns to invite us for a midnight dinner at his country house in...
Homer Simpson: Pennsylvania.
Ned Flanders: I hold here a contract between myself and one Homer Simpson, pledging me his soul for a doughnut, which I delivered. And it was scrum-diddly-umptious!
Ned Flanders: [enraged] All right, Simpson. You get your soul back. But let that ill-gotten donut BE FOREVER ON YOUR HEAD!
[Zaps Homer's head]
Ned Flanders: Eh, your wide-behind wont' save you this time! Hey, Bart.
Bart Simpson: Hey.
Lisa Simpson: Wait! Doesn't my father have the right to a fair trial?
Ned Flanders: Oh, you Americans with your due process and fair trials. Huh. This is always so much easier in Mexico.
Lisa Simpson: Mom, there's something fishy about this whole set up.
Marge Simpson: Lisa, stop being so suspicious. Did everyone wash their necks like Mr. Burns asked?
Grampa Simpson: Quick! We have to kill the boy!
[running into Bart's room with a wooden mallet and stake]
Marge Simpson: How'd you know he's a vampire?
Grampa Simpson: He's a vamprie? Agh!
[drops them and runs away]