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"The Simpsons" Treehouse of Horror IV (TV Episode 1993) Poster

Quotes

Bart Simpson: Our final painting is the most horrible of all. To even gaze upon it is to go mad...

Homer Simpson: AH! They're dogs! And they're playing poker! AHHHH!

[Homer begins laughing hysterically, and runs away shrieking]

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[Homer is trapped in Hell for the day]

Demonic Torturer: So, you like donuts, eh?

Homer Simpson: Um-hmm.

Demonic Torturer: Well, have all the donuts in the world!

[the Demonic Torturer cackles while a machine stuffs Homer's mouth full of donuts. Dissolve to several hours later, the Demonic Torturer is baffled as Homer, whose body has gained a few extra hundred pounds, continues to eat and eat]

Homer Simpson: More!

Demonic Torturer: I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in fifteen minutes!

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Grampa Simpson: [runs into the room with a hammer and a wooden stake] Quick! We have to kill the boy!

Marge Simpson: How'd you know he was a vampire?

Grampa Simpson: He's a vampire? AHHH!

[runs off]

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Ned Flanders: I give you the jury of the damned. Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon...

Richard Nixon: But I'm not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.

Ned Flanders: Hey listen, I did a favor for you!

Richard Nixon: Yes, Master.

Ned Flanders: John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, and the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

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[watching Homer selling his soul to the devil on a monitor]

Mr. Burns: Hmm... who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.

Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.

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Lisa Simpson: Dad, Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!

Montgomery Burns: Why, Bart's right here!

Bart Simpson: Hello, mother. Hello, father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.

Homer Simpson: Oh, Lisa! You and your stories! "Dad, Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's get back to that... building thingy... where our beds and T.V... is.

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Ned Flanders: Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for...

[Homer has already scarfed the donut]

Homer: Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?

Ned Flanders: Well, technically no, but...

Homer: I'm smarter than the Devil! I'm smarter than the Dev-!

[Flanders turns into a huge demon]

Ned Flanders: You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson!

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Homer: Mmmm... forbidden donut.

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[Lisa takes a sip from her chalice and gasps]

Lisa Simpson: Ew, God, this is blood!

Homer Simpson: Correction: FREE blood.

[guzzles it down and sighs]

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Bart Simpson: Paintings... lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to Hell so scary and horrible and gruesome that...!

Marge Simpson: Bart! You should warn people that this episode is very frightening. Maybe they'd rather listen to that old "War of the Worlds" broadcast on NPR, hmm?

Bart Simpson: Yes, Mother.

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Lisa Simpson: Grampa's a vampire?

Bart Simpson: We're all vampires.

[Bart, Homer, Marge, and Maggie all float into the air, baring their fangs as Lisa backs away in horror]

Lisa Simpson: But... no! We killed Mr. Burns!

Homer Simpson: You have to kill the *head* vampire?

Lisa Simpson: [gasp] You're the head vampire?

Marge Simpson: No, *I'm* the head vampire!

[She laughs demonically]

Lisa Simpson: Mom?

Marge Simpson: [normal voice] Well, I do have a life outside this house, you know.

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Montgomery Burns: [welcoming the Simpsons via intercom at the front door] Welcome! Please come in...

[sinisterly]

Montgomery Burns: Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead.

Waylon Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of the button.

Montgomery Burns: Oh, son of a bi-

[door opens]

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Principal Skinner: Now, I've got the word that a child is using his imagination and I've come to put a stop to it.

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Lisa: No, no, they're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking undead! Nosferatu! Das Wampyr!

[the rest stare at her blankly]

Lisa: A vampire!

Homer: [Chuckles] Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

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Marge: Wait! Before you send him to hell, there's something you should see. That's a photo of Homer and I at our wedding.

Richard Nixon: Wait a minute. You got married in an emergency room?

Marge: Well, Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself... before the wedding.

[the Jury of the Damned all laugh]

Marge: Read the back, the back.

Blackbeard: Arrr! 'Tis some sort of treasure map.

Benedict Arnold: [snatches it away] You idiot, you can't read!

Blackbeard: Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensatin'.

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Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

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Marge Simpson: [Homer's Head is turned into a huge donut, and is eating it] Homer, stop picking at it.

Homer Simpson: But, I'm so sweet and tasty.

[Looks at his watch]

Homer Simpson: Well, time to go to work.

Lisa Simpson: [Getting in Homer's way] No dad. I wouln't go outside if I were you.

Chief Wiggum: [With the rest of Springfield's police force waiting outside of the Simpson's home with their coffee mugs] Don't worry, boys, he's gotta come outta there sometime.

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Lionel Hutz: Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.

Marge: But we did win.

Lionel Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty.

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Bart Simpson: [sees the gremlin eating away at the school bus] Otto, you've got to do something. There's a gremlin on the side of the bus!

[Otto looks out the window. Alongside the bus is an AMC Gremlin being driven by Hans Moleman]

Otto: No problem-o, Bart dude. I'll get rid of it.

[runs Moleman off the road]

Hans Moleman: No! Oh, no. I just made my last payment.

[the car comes to a stop, tapping lightly against a tree. Hans sighs in relief, before the car explodes]

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Lisa Simpson: Dad, do you notice anything strange?

Homer Simpson: Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer.

Montgomery Burns: I heard that!

Homer Simpson: [quickly points to Bart] It was the boy!

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Homer Simpson: [reading a note] "Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead!

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Principal Skinner: Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.

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[Marge has to find seats for the Jury of the Damned]

Marge: I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs and this is the last one.

Blackbeard: Arrr! This chair be high, says I.

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Lionel Hutz: Very well, but first some ground rules. Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half hour.

Ned Flanders: Agreed! Number two, the jury will be chosen by me!

Lionel Hutz: Agreed... no, wait...

Ned Flanders: Silence!

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Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wassn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

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Kent Brockman: Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene.

[the cape says "DRACULA."]

Kent Brockman: Police are baffled.

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Bart: Come join us, Lisa, it's so cool. You get to stay up all night drinking blood.

Milhouse: And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies.

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Homer: Oh, I'd sell my soul for a donut.

Ned Flanders: Well, that can be arranged.

Homer: What? Flanders. You're the devil?

Ned Flanders: Ho-ho, it's always the one you least suspect.

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Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan.

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[Bart awakens from a nightmare, and notices his sheets are wet]

Bart Simpson: Ewww... I hope this is sweat.

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Bart Simpson: Milhouse, quick! Look out the window!

Milhouse: No way, Bart. If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear admiral!

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Lisa: You must drive this stake right through his heart.

Homer: Take that, vile fiend!

[pounds the stake]

Lisa: Uh, Dad? That's his crotch.

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Homer: [reading] "Dear Homer, I owe you one emergency donut. Signed, Homer."

[crumbles up paper]

Homer: Bastard. He's always one step ahead.

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[Flanders opens a hole in the floor to Hell, but Homer gets stuck in it]

Ned Flanders: Your wide behind won't save you this time.

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[Bart is hanging out the window of the school bus. Principal Skinner and Groundskeeper Willie are trying to pull him back in]

Principal Skinner: Pull, Willie, pull!

Groundskeeper Willie: I'm doin' all the pullin', ya blouse-wearin' poodle-walker!

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Homer Simpson: It sure was nice of Mr Burns to invite us for a midnight dinner at his country house in...

[ominously]

Homer Simpson: Pennsylvania.

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Ned Flanders: I hold here a contract between myself and one Homer Simpson, pledging me his soul for a doughnut, which I delivered. And it was scrum-diddly-umptious!

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Ned Flanders: Careful, hot pen!

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Ned Flanders: Well, well. Finishing something?

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Ned Flanders: [enraged] All right, Simpson. You get your soul back. But let that ill-gotten donut BE FOREVER ON YOUR HEAD!

[Zaps Homer's head]

Homer: AAAAHHHH!

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Ned Flanders: Eh, your wide-behind wont' save you this time! Hey, Bart.

Bart Simpson: Hey.

Lisa Simpson: Wait! Doesn't my father have the right to a fair trial?

Ned Flanders: Oh, you Americans with your due process and fair trials. Huh. This is always so much easier in Mexico.

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Lisa Simpson: Mom, there's something fishy about this whole set up.

Marge Simpson: Lisa, stop being so suspicious. Did everyone wash their necks like Mr. Burns asked?

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Grampa Simpson: Quick! We have to kill the boy!

[running into Bart's room with a wooden mallet and stake]

Marge Simpson: How'd you know he's a vampire?

Grampa Simpson: He's a vamprie? Agh!

[drops them and runs away]

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Marge Simpson: Homer, we gotta do something. Today he's drinking people's blood, tomorrow he could be smoking!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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