Homer: [Using a trick he learned watching "Speed"] I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, the bus would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
Alien: I bring you love.
Lenny: It's bringing love, don't let it get away!
Carl: Break its legs.
[everyone starts to advance on the alien]
Lisa: Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien.
[Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns in a twisted and disoriented state]
Mr. Burns: [in a high-toned voice] Hello, children. I bring you love.
Willy: Argh. It's a monster. Kill it, kill it!
Smithers: It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns!
Willy: Aww, it's Mr. Burns! KILL IT! KILL IT!
[Homer sees a billboard that says 'DIE']
[the wind blows away the tree that covered the last letter of the billboard, saying now 'DIET']
Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.
Scully: Now we're gonna run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?
[lie detector explodes]
Mulder: Look at this, Scully: there has been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there right away.
Scully: Well, gee Mulder, there's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.
Mulder: I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that.
Mr. Burns: So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect?
Mr. Burns: You know, light and fancy free. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Smithers is on the town.
Smithers: Oh. Of course.
Homer: I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket and flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?
Mulder: Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
Homer: The evening began at the gentlemen's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy?
Mulder: [after subjecting Homer to a physical and numerous medical tests, Scully has set him on a treadmill] Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test?
Scully: No point. I just figured he could stand to lose some weight.
Mulder: [Seeing the movement of Homer's belly] His jigglin is almost hypnotic.
Scully: Yes. It's like a lava lamp.
Rev. Lovejoy: I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. Who came to earth... and then died... only to be brought back to life again. And his name was: E.T., the extra-terrestrial. I love that little guy.
Homer: I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying, or about to lie, or just finished lying, but NOT WHEN I'M TELLING THE TRUTH.
Chief Wiggum: Your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, um, Simpson. Let me just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
Homer: Fine. You don't have to humiliate me.
[leaves, a man enters carrying a blowtorch]
Man: I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again.
Chief Wiggum: Right. Let me just type that up on my invisible typewriter.
Willy: [shouts] It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it!
Smithers: It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns
Willy: [cooing] Aaw, it's Mr. Burns.
Willy: Kill it! Kill it!
Grampa: [after being bit by a turtle] Aaaahhhhhh! He bit me with my own teeth!
Kent Brockman: The alien has appeared in the Springfield Forest for the last two Friday nights. Will it appear again this Friday? The entire Channel 6 News Team will be there, except for Bill, the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow.
[boom mike hits Kent]
Kent Brockman: Very unprofessional, Bill.
Homer: This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!
Bart Simpson: What if we don't?
Homer: We'll fake it, and sell it to the FOX network.
Bart Simpson: They'll buy anything.
Homer: Now, Bart, they do a lot of quality programming too.
[Both burst out laughing]
Homer: I kill me.
Frog 1: Bud...
Frog 2: ...Wei...
Frog 3: ...Ser
Frog 1: Bud...
Frog 2: ...Wei...
Frog 3: ...Ser
[an alligator snatches them in his mouth]
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: [closing the book] And so concludes our tale. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night, and keep watching the skis.
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Uh skies.
[the X Files theme plays]
Dr. Nick Riviera: Don't worry. You won't feel a thing...
[exhibiting a swirling mechanical device]
Dr. Nick Riviera: ...till I jam this down your throat!
[Bart tells Homer that he believes Homer's alien story]
Bart Simpson: You seem so damn sure.
Homer Simpson: Thanks, son. And do you think you can stop the casual swearing?
Bart Simpson: Hell, yes.
Alien: I bring you love.
Dr. Hibbert: Is that the love between a man and a woman? Or the love of a man for a cuban cigar?
Alien: Uh... I bring you love.
Mr. Burns: And now that I am back to normal I don't bring love. I bring hate, fear and...
Dr. Nick Riviera: Time for your booster!
Mr. Burns: Good morning starshine...
Lisa: All right! It's time for ABC's "TGIF" line-up!
Bart Simpson: Lise, when you get a little older, you'll learn that Friday is just another day between NBC's "Must See Thursday" and CBS' "Saturday night craporama".
Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: [flippantly] Uh-huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.
Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
Homer: I don't see any shirts saying Homer is a dope.
Sarcastic worker: They sold out ten minutes ago.
Homer: I'll take one.
Mulder: Are we alone in the universe? Impossible. When you consider the wonders that exist all around us... voodoo priests of Haiti, the Tibetan numerologists of Appalachia, the unsolved mysteries of Unsolved Mysteries... The truth is out there.
Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.
Jasper: Thank god it's Wednesday.
[takes his pills]
Mrs. Glick: It's Friday.
Jasper: [looks at his empty cup] Uh-oh... wrong pills.
[Jasper sprouts hair until he looks like an old sasquatch]
Jasper: Little help?
Bart: Hey, dad. What's the word with planet crackpot?
Homer: I suppose you're going to mock me, too.
Bart: Actually, dad, I believe you.
Homer: You do?
Bart: Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure.
Homer: Thank you, son. And do you think you can stop the casual swearing?
Bart: Hell yes.
Bart Simpson: Hey dad, can I have a sip of your beer?
Homer Simpson: Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.
Leonard Nimoy: [finishing Homer's 'story'] And so, from this simple man came the proof that we are not alone in the universe. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night.
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Uh, Mr. Nimoy, we have ten minutes left.
Leonard Nimoy: Oh. Uh, fine. Let me just, uh, go get something out of my car.
[Nimoy runs out of the room; a car door is heard slamming and the tires are heard peeling away]
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: [entering the shot] I don't think he's coming back.