- [about Bart's incorrigible behavior]
- Chief Wiggum: You know, you do have options. For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How wedded are you to the Bart you know?
- Homer Simpson: Not very.
- [crossing the "Eliminator" rope climb]
- Lisa: If only I were in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on... oh, God, I'm delirious.
- Firing Range Instructor: Since you've attended public schools, I'm going to assume you're already proficient with small arms. So, we'll start you off with something a little more advanced.
- [hands Bart a grenade launcher]
- Bart Simpson: Wow.
- [Bart begins firing away at his targets, destroying four. The last grenade flies off into the distance]
- Firing Range Instructor: Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target.
- Bart Simpson: [slyly] Did I?
- [Springfield Elementary. Principal Skinner is standing next to the smoldering crater that was his car]
- Nelson Muntz: HA-HA!
- The Commandant: Let's go over this one more time, just to make sure I understand the situation.
- [clears throat]
- The Commandant: You're a girl?
- [after Lisa's poor performance at the firing range]
- Rangemaster: Maybe you should just learn to use this.
- [hands Lisa a whistle]
- Rangemaster: If there's a war, just blow on it, and I'll come help you.
- [nearing the end of the year]
- The Commandant: But these skills are nothing without courage and stamina. Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues by pitting you against each other in a two-day battle royale.
- [the cadets gasp]
- The Commandant: That was prior to 1957, thank you very much State Supreme Court...
- Lisa: [reading a note from Bart] "Meet me at the Eliminator after lights out. P.S. The cadets are planning to throw their meatballs at you." Oh...
- [holds her tray up just in time to deflect a fusillade of meatballs]
- Lisa: I can't do this, Bart. I'm not strong enough.
- Bart Simpson: I thought you came here looking for a challenge.
- Lisa: Duh! A challenge I could do!
- Lisa: Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit.
- Bart Simpson: But if you quit, it'd be like an expert knot tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot.
- Lisa: Why'd you say that?
- Bart Simpson: I dunno, I was just looking at my shoelaces.
- The Commandant: Franklin, you're no longer the girliest cadet here.
- Franklin: [in a feminine voice] Well. We'll see about that.
- Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.
- [Bart is shipped off to military school]
- Mrs. Krabappel: [pouring champagne] You dream about this day for so long, then when it comes, you don't know what to say.
- Principal Skinner: Edna, your tears say more than words ever could.
- [the Simpsons pass a literature class at the academy]
- Cadet in Poetry Class: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!
- Lisa: They're discussing poetry! Oh, they never do that at my school.
- Poetry Instructor: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful?
- Marge Simpson: Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.
- Bart Simpson: Please don't make me stay, Dad. I'll do anything you say. I'll find religion! I'll be good sometimes!
- Homer Simpson: [nervously] Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the guns?
- Bart Simpson: Sir! Yes, sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir!
- The Commandant: The wars of the future will not be fought on the battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today remember always your duty is clear: To build and maintain those robots.
- Lisa: [after conquering the "Eliminator" rope climb] I did it! I did it!
- Bart Simpson: Way to go, Lis! I'm so proud of you!
- [pause]
- Bart Simpson: You can put your arms down now, Lis.
- Lisa: I can't, they're stuck!
- The Commandant: Consequently, now no cadet can receive a passing grade for the academic year without first conquering this. Meet "the Eliminator." That's a 150-foot hand-over-hand crawl across a 60-gauge hemp-jute line with a blister factor of 12. The rope is suspended a full 40 feet over a solid British acre of old-growth Connecticut Valley thorn bushes. Gentlemen, welcome to flavor country.
- Lisa: This wasn't in the brochure.
- Bart Simpson: [Bart is all alone in the police megaphone storage room and decides to test out the megaphones] Testing.
- [Bart then joins two megaphones together and speaks into them]
- Bart Simpson: Testing!
- [Bart looks at all of the megaphones, and the two megaphones joined together and has a cunning plan]
- Bart Simpson: Hmm... hmm... hmm...
- [He then concocts a good plan]
- Bart Simpson: Hey!
- [the scene then cuts to all the police megaphones joined together to the window, Bart turning all of them on, attached to a chair. Bart laughs evilly as his plan is put into place. A fly buzzes past the megaphones and it echoes loudly. Bart then licks his lips together and then speaks into the megaphones]
- Bart Simpson: TESTING!
- [Bart then is seen flying back into the shelves where the microphones have been kept; and a supersonic soundwave with Bart saying "testing" echoes throughout Springfield. The glass breaks at the local pet shop, with parrots repeating "testing!"; the supersonic echo continues at Professor Frink's lab and the glass and tank break, with the octopus latching onto Frink's head; and finally the echo continues into the Simpson house, where the echo breaks all of Homer's beer and Homer shrieks in fear]
- The Commandant: [after Bart passes the Eliminator challenge] Good job, Simpson. Although, that's more cursing than I like to hear from a cadet in peacetime.
- Marge Simpson: [after Bart's prank] Now, about your punishment, young man.
- Bart Simpson: I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, no. Your room is full of toys. You're going to, uh... the garage.
- Bart Simpson: [unbothered] You're the boss.
- The Commandant: All right, lights out!
- [as the lights go out, a thudding is heard]
- The Commandant: Ow! Damn it! Lights on. Lights on.
- [as they come back on, it's revealed he collided with a foot locker]
- The Commandant: [hobbling out] Lights out. Lights out.
- The Commandant: Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the State Supreme Court has determined that forcing cadets to cross the Eliminator is a barbaric and malicious practice.
- Lisa: [quietly elated] Yes!
- The Commandant: Hence, you will be the last class to be subjected to it.
- Bart Simpson: You're gonna make it, Lise, and I'm gonna stick by you.
- Lisa: Don't do that. Why should we both be outcasts?
- Bart Simpson: Then I'll just stick by you in secret, like a sock-maker secretly working on a top-secret sock that...
- Lisa: Will you stop looking at your feet?
- Marge Simpson: Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of a semester.
- The Commandant: Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs, so that freed up a couple of bunks.
- Bart Simpson: "Freak-outs?"
- Homer Simpson: If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire semester?
- [Bart's latest prank has shattered windows all over the city]
- Homer Simpson: [shouting] You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
- Lisa: [shouting] When do you expect the ringing will stop?
- Chief Wiggum: [checking his watch, shouting] In about ten to fifteen seconds!
- Marge Simpson: [shouting] I certainly hope-!
- [ringing stops]
- Marge Simpson: -so!
- [covers her mouth, embarrassed; normal voice]
- Marge Simpson: That's better.
- Orderly: [answering a phone call] Simpson.
- Grampa Simpson: Hot diggity! I don't care if it's bad news.
- Lisa: Oh, Grampa, you're not busy, are you?
- Grampa Simpson: Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges.
- [later]
- Grampa Simpson: And I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission in the Coast Guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain.
- [even later]
- Grampa Simpson: And that's everything that happened in my life right up to the time I got this phone call.
- Lisa: Uh-huh. So, anything else you wanna talk about?
- Grampa Simpson: Oh, I'm afraid I'd just be repeating myself, honey. Anyway, other people need to use the phone.
- Jasper: [the other retirees express their disinterest] Mm-mm. I've already talked to her for twenty damn minutes.
- The Commandant: Well, cadets, it's been a great year. You've all worked very hard developing academic skills and general killing skills.
- Bart Simpson: [sotto to Lisa] My killing teacher says I'm a natural.
- The Commandant: Our high standards challenge students to reach their full potential.
- Lisa: [impressed] Look at how disciplined they are. They're just like the terra-cotta warriors of Xian.
- Homer Simpson: They sure are.
- [throwing rocks at a couple of cadets and watching them squirm in pain]
- Homer Simpson: That's not so disciplined.
- The Commandant: They're just children, Mr. Simpson.
- Homer Simpson: Pfft! I guess.
- Homer Simpson: Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school!
- Lisa: And so am I.
- [the family gasps]
- Lisa: This school has everything I ever wanted.
- Marge Simpson: Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children.
- Bart Simpson: No jail can hold me!
- [he runs away; with a chirp, a Jeep driven by MPs passes with him in the back seat]
- Cadet Anderson: Uh, hey, Simpson. What are you doing out here?
- Bart Simpson: Nothing.
- Cadet Anderson: Nothing? Doesn't look like nothing.
- Bart Simpson: Oh, yeah? Well... um... what are you doing out here?
- Cadet Anderson: Uh... also nothing.
- Bart Simpson: Well. Okay.
- Cadet Anderson: Okay.
- Bart Simpson: Then carry on.
- Cadet Anderson: All right, we will.
- Chief Wiggum: We'll start the tour in a second. I've just got to check the answering machine.
- [seeing there are 75 messages waiting]
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?
- Bart Simpson: Cleaning graffiti off a statue makes a mockery of everything I stand for. I don't think I can survive here, Lise.
- Lisa: That's how they want you to feel. But if you just hang in there, they'll eventually accept you.
- Brown-Haired Cadet: Get to work! I wanna see my face in that horse's ass!
- The Commandant: This is now the girls' barracks. So pack your things. You're moving in with Company L.
- Brown-Haired Cadet: Company L? But they smell!
- The Commandant: Yes, we've all heard the chant. Now, fall out!
- Cadet: I can't believe they let a girl in.
- Brown-Haired Cadet: Don't worry. We'll drive her out of the academy. That is why God created hazing.
- Homer Simpson: [lazing on the couch, he hears the phone ring] Marge! You got that? Marge!
- [nudging Santa's Little Helper off the couch with his feet]
- Homer Simpson: Hey, go on, boy. Go get it. Answer the phone.
- [SLH licks his face]
- Homer Simpson: Oh!
- [pressing buttons on the TV remote]
- Homer Simpson: There's gotta be something on this thing for that thing.
- [the ringing stops]
- Homer Simpson: [relieved] Ahh.
- Lisa: It's not my nature to complain, but so far today, we've had three movies, two filmstrips, and an hour and a half of magazine time. I just don't feel challenged.
- Principal Skinner: Of course, we can make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.
- Miss Hoover: [ending an educational film] Okay, that was the sand movie. Now, it'll just take me a second to set up our next movie.
- Lisa: Oh, Miss Hoover, movies are a nice break, but couldn't we be doing something a little more challenging?
- Miss Hoover: [indifferently] Probably.
- Ralph Wiggum: [an educational film about the moon ends] Miss Hoover, the movie's over.
- Lisa: [seeing she's not there] Where's Miss Hoover?
- Janey Powell: [looking out the window] Hey, her car's gone.
- Ralph Wiggum: Maybe she drove to the moon.
- The Commandant: In our 185 years, we have never had a female cadet. Oh, but that seems to be the way the wind is blowing these days. After all, we have female singers, female motorists. Welcome aboard.
- Marge Simpson: Lisa, if you ever want to quit and come home, I'll be here in half a jif.
- Bart Simpson: I wanna quit and come home.
- [cut to Homer and Marge preparing to leave]
- Bart Simpson: I wanna quit and come home.
- Marge Simpson: Oh, honey, I heard you the first time.
- Bart Simpson: Military school? You lied to me!
- Homer Simpson: Well, I'm sorry if you *heard* "Disneyland," but I distinctly said "military school."