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Quotes

[crossing the "Eliminator" rope climb]

Lisa: If only I were in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on... oh, God, I'm delirious.

Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.

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[about Bart's incorrigible behavior]

Chief Wiggum: You know, you do have options. For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How wedded are you to the Bart you know?

Homer Simpson: Not very.

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[Bart is shipped off to military school]

Mrs. Krabappel: [pouring champagne] You dream about this day for so long, then when it comes, you don't know what to say.

Principal Skinner: Edna, your tears say more than words ever could.

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Marge Simpson: Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of a semester.

The Commandant: Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs, so that freed up a couple of bunks.

Bart Simpson: "Freak-outs?"

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[the Simpsons pass a literature class at the academy]

Cadet in Poetry Class: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!

Lisa: They're discussing poetry! Oh, they never do that at my school.

Poetry Instructor: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful?

Marge Simpson: Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

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Bart Simpson: Please don't make me stay, Dad. I'll do anything you say. I'll find religion! I'll be good sometimes!

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The Commandant: Let's go over this one more time, just to make sure I understand the situation.

[clears throat]

The Commandant: You're a girl?

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[during a hazing in the rain]

Cadet: What's the matter? Don't girls like doing push-ups in the mud?

Lisa: Is there any answer that I can give that won't result in more push-ups?

[the platoon huddles]

Cadet: No.

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[after Lisa's poor performance at the firing range]

Rangemaster: Maybe you should just learn to use this.

[hands Lisa a whistle]

Rangemaster: If there's a war, just blow on it, and I'll come help you.

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Lisa: Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit.

Bart Simpson: But if you quit, it'd be like an expert knot tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot.

Lisa: Why'd you say that?

Bart Simpson: I dunno, I was just looking at my shoelaces.

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[nearing the end of the year]

The Commandant: But these skills are nothing without courage and stamina. Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues by pitting you against each other in a two-day battle royale.

[the cadets gasp]

The Commandant: That was prior to 1957, thank you very much State Supreme Court...

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Lisa: [reading a note from Bart] "Meet me at the Eliminator after lights out. P.S. The cadets are planning to throw their meatballs at you." Oh...

[holds her tray up just in time to deflect a fusillade of meatballs]

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Lisa: I can't do this, Bart. I'm not strong enough.

Bart Simpson: I thought you came here looking for a challenge.

Lisa: Duh! A challenge I could do!

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Homer Simpson: [nervously] Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the guns?

Bart Simpson: Sir! Yes, sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir!

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The Commandant: The wars of the future will not be fought on the battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today remember always your duty is clear: To build and maintain those robots.

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Firing Range Instructor: Since you've attended public schools, I'm going to assume you're already proficient with small arms. So, we'll start you off with something a little more advanced.

[hands Bart a grenade launcher]

Bart Simpson: Wow.

[Bart begins firing away at his targets, destroying four. The last grenade flies off into the distance]

Firing Range Instructor: Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target.

Bart Simpson: [slyly] Did I?

[Springfield Elementary. Principal Skinner is standing next to the smoldering crater that was his car]

Nelson Muntz: HA-HA!

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Lisa: [after conquering the "Eliminator" rope climb] I did it! I did it!

Bart Simpson: Way to go, Lis! I'm so proud of you!

[pause]

Bart Simpson: You can put your arms down now, Lis.

Lisa: I can't, they're stuck!

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The Commandant: Franklin, you're no longer the girliest cadet here.

Franklin: [in a feminine voice] Well. We'll see about that.

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[Bart's latest prank has shattered windows all over the city]

Homer Simpson: [shouting] You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!

Lisa: [shouting] When do you expect the ringing will stop?

Chief Wiggum: [checking his watch, shouting] In about ten to fifteen seconds!

Marge Simpson: [shouting] I certainly hope-!

[ringing stops]

Marge Simpson: -so!

[covers her mouth, embarrassed; normal voice]

Marge Simpson: That's better.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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