Homer: Son, come here. Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the garage next to your short-wave radio, your karate outfit, and your unicycle, and we'll go and watch TV.
Bart: What's on?
Homer: It doesn't matter.
Homer: That guy has gotta go!
Marge: Hmm, I know how you feel. But he is good with the kids.
[pan upward to Lisa's room, where Otto is telling her a bedtime story by candlelight]
Otto: So the lady drove faster, but the strange car kept banging into her from behind...
Otto: So she swerved off the road into the woods, and lost the other car. And then, she realized that the man in the other car wasn't trying to hurt her. No, he was trying to warn her... about the ax-wielding maniac hiding in her back seat!
Lisa Simpson: Did the maniac kill her?
Otto: Natch! And you know how I know?
Lisa Simpson: How?
Otto: Because... *I* was that maniac.
[Lisa's scream shakes the whole house]
Otto: [hastily] I was just kidding!
[Otto needs to retake his driving test]
Bart: I know you can do it, Otto. You're the coolest adult I know.
Otto: Wow. I've never been referred to as an adult before. I've been tried as one.
Patty: Well, if it isn't Wee Willie Wash-out.
Otto: I want to take the test again.
Otto: So I can staple my license to Homer Simpson's big, bald head!
Patty: [interested] Really?
Otto: [preparing for his driving test] Alcohol increases your capability to drive...
Otto: [checks the answer] False? Oh, man!
Patty: [Otto walks into the DMV and meets Patty, who holds a green pen in her right hand, and a red pen in the left] Hello, my name's Patty. I'll be testing you. When you do well, I use the green pen. When you do bad, I use the red pen. Any questions?
Otto: Yeah, one: Have you always been a chick? I mean, I don't want to offend you, but, you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me, I'm open minded.
Patty: [Drops green pen] I won't be needing this!
[Bart is trying to convince Marge and Homer to let Otto live in their garage]
Marge: Well, Homer, doesn't the Bible say, "Whatsoever you do unto even the least of my brothers, that you do unto me?"
Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take... moochers into thy... hut?"
[at the DMV, Patty is chuckling]
Selma: What's so funny?
Patty: I was just thinking about the time Homer got his nose caught in the toaster.
Selma: We'll watch the tape tonight.
David St. Hubbins: Goodnight Springton! There will be no encores!
Nigel Tufnel: [addressing the crowd] We were told they knew how to rock in Shelbyville.
[the crowd 'boos']
Derek Smalls: But nobody rocks like...
[looks on the back of his guitar where he has placed a reminder of the name of the town they're playing in]
Derek Smalls: Springfield!
[David St. Hubbins' hear is getting blown away by a large fan]
David St. Hubbins: MEDIUM SETTING!
[just before the show]
David St. Hubbins: I just looked out and there's puddles of water all over the stage.
Arena Manager: Well gentleman, four times a week this place is sort of a hockey rink.
David St. Hubbins: Well this is a rock concert, not the bleedin... splish-splash show.
Otto: There's plenty of opportunities out there for someone who knows how to fake his own death!
Marge: Well before you do that why don't you try and get your license back?
Otto: I tried! Oh how I did try.
Otto: You got anything written from the vampire's point of view?
Homer: [to Otto, who's using the bathroom in Homer and Marge's bedroom] Open up! Open up! I've gotta' go and no foolin!'
Otto: [Otto comes out the bathroom] Hey, Poppin' Fresh.
[Otto pokes Homer in the stomach like he were the Pillsbury Doughboy]
Otto: You're supposed to giggle.
[Homer growls angrily]