The Simpsons (TV Series)
The Mansion Family (2000)
Harry Shearer: Montgomery Burns, Waylon Smithers, Cornelius Chapman, Pope, Lenny, Mate
Quotes
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Montgomery Burns : Smithers, this monkey is going to need most of your skin.
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[filing out medical forms]
Mr. Burns : Social security number? Naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, 2. Damn Roosevelt. Cause of parents death? Got in my way.
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Mr. Burns : Now, Doctor, I want you to test me for everything. Every disease on this chart.
Doctor : Fine. We'll just start by drawing some blood.
[he puts a tourniquet on Burns' arm and, inserting the needle, it pokes right through]
Doctor : Well, isn't that odd? It's like poking through meringue.
Mr. Burns : [holding up his other arm] Oh, try this arm. I saw some blood in there the other day.
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Montgomery Burns : Well, Doc, I think I did pretty well on my tests. You may shake my hand if you like.
Doctor : Well, under the circumstances, I'd rather not.
Montgomery Burns : Eh?
Doctor : Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.
Montgomery Burns : You mean I have pneumonia?
Doctor : Yes.
Montgomery Burns : Juvenile diabetes?
Doctor : Yes.
Montgomery Burns : Hysterical pregnancy?
Doctor : Uh, a little bit, yes! You also have several diseases that have just been discovered - in you.
Montgomery Burns : I see. You sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?
Doctor : Uh, no, no, I'm afraid not.
Montgomery Burns : This sounds like bad news.
Doctor : Well, you'd think so, but - all of your diseases are in perfect balance. Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain.
Montgomery Burns : [checks his watch] Well...
[the Doctor puts a tiny model house door on his desk]
Doctor : Here's the door to your body, you see?
[brings up some small fuzz balls with goofy faces and limbs from under the desk]
Doctor : And these are oversized novelty germs - er, that's influenza, that's bronchitis, and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer, ha! Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.
[tries to cram the "germs" through the model door, but they get stuck]
Doctor : [à la Curly] Woo, woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woop!
[à la Moe]
Doctor : Move it, chowder-head!
[normal voice]
Doctor : We call it Three Stooges syndrome.
Montgomery Burns : So, what you're saying is... I'm indestructible!
Doctor : Oh, no, no. In fact, even a slight breeze could...
Montgomery Burns : [leaves the office, to himself] Indestructible.
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Kent Brockman : [after the town's oldest resident dies] Well, this award has to go to somebody. Would everyone who is 60 or older please stand up?
[Flanders, Mr. Burns, Grandpa Simpson, Jasper, Mrs. Glick, and the Old Jewish Man stand up]
Kent Brockman : Over 80?
[Flanders, Abe, and Mrs. Glick sit back down]
Kent Brockman : 90?
[the Old Jewish Man sits down, and Abe stands back up]
Kent Brockman : 100 years old?
[everyone but Mr. Burns sits down]
Marge Simpson : Homer, sit down!
Homer Simpson : [feigning old age] What's that, sonny?
[she sits him back down, and everyone cheers for Mr. Burns]
Mr. Burns : [heading on stage] Well, this is all so sudden.
[Britney leans in to kiss him]
Mr. Burns : Ah! Don't give me that kiss of death, you black widow!
Kent Brockman : [wrenching the statute out of Mr. Chapman's dead hands] Boy, he didn't want to let go of that.
[laughter]
Mr. Burns : Okay, let's see. I... I don't have a speech prepared, but, uh... abracadaver!
[taking the speech from Chapman's pocket]
Mr. Burns : "Thank you all so much. I love Springfield, from the cuddliest infant to..." puppies, patriotism... bluebirds. Pfft! I'm not reading this drivel. This speech is over.
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Moe Szyslak : You know I can't sell you no beer till 2PM on account of it's Sunday.
Homer Simpson : Huh? If you can't sell beer what are Lenny and Carl doing here?
Carl : We're just watching the sun move across the sky.
Lenny : When it gets to here, we can drink again!
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Marge Simpson : I'm not gonna let you trash Mr. Burns' yacht.
Homer Simpson : Marge, you know I normally listen to you, but I gotta seize this opportunity, just in case I never become a real billionaire.
Marge Simpson : Oh, Homie, I don't care if you're a billionaire. I love you just because...
Lenny : Hey, there's another way to get on the boat!
Homer Simpson : Whoo-hoo!
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Carl : Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, uh, things are gettin' real ugly.
[blocking a keg of beer, Moe cracks a whip to keep Lenny and Barney at bay]
Moe Szyslak : I can't sell you beer 'til we cross the line!
Barney : Legally, you could give us free beer.
[getting whipped]
Barney : Ow!
Lenny : Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds?
[Moe tosses a bottle to him]
Lenny : Hey! Ha-ha-ha. Sucker.
[as he starts drinking it, Moe whips him]
Lenny : Ow!
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Homer Simpson : [house-sitting for Mr. Burns] Look at me! I'm a billionaire!
[climbing onto the banister, he slides down and flies butt-first into a painting on the wall]
Waylon Smithers : [returning to collect a bag] I forgot my...
[trying to laugh it off, Homer chuckles and gives him a thumbs-up]
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Britney Spears : I'm teen sensation Britney Spears.
[audience goes wild]
Kent Brockman : And I'm Kent Brockman!
[crowd goes silent]
Kent Brockman : ...with, Britney Spears!
[crowd cheers]
Britney Spears : And we're here to present the...
Kent Brockman : 65th!
Britney Spears : Annual...
Kent Brockman : Spring
Britney Spears : Field
Kent Brockman : Pride A-...
Britney Spears : -wards!
[crowd applauds]
Britney Spears : Tonight, we'll be recognizing outstanding members of...
Kent Brockman : ...the...
Britney Spears : Springfield community!
