The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Mansion Family (2000)

Hank Azaria: Moe Szyslak, Seat Filler, Apu, Doctor, Carl, Captain, Captain McAllister

Quotes 

• Mr. Burns : Now, Doctor, I want you to test me for everything. Every disease on this chart.

  Doctor : Fine. We'll just start by drawing some blood.

  [he puts a tourniquet on Burns' arm and, inserting the needle, it pokes right through] 

  Doctor : Well, isn't that odd? It's like poking through meringue.

  Mr. Burns : [holding up his other arm]  Oh, try this arm. I saw some blood in there the other day.

• Montgomery Burns : Well, Doc, I think I did pretty well on my tests. You may shake my hand if you like.

  Doctor : Well, under the circumstances, I'd rather not.

  Montgomery Burns : Eh?

  Doctor : Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.

  Montgomery Burns : You mean I have pneumonia?

  Doctor : Yes.

  Montgomery Burns : Juvenile diabetes?

  Doctor : Yes.

  Montgomery Burns : Hysterical pregnancy?

  Doctor : Uh, a little bit, yes! You also have several diseases that have just been discovered - in you.

  Montgomery Burns : I see. You sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?

  Doctor : Uh, no, no, I'm afraid not.

  Montgomery Burns : This sounds like bad news.

  Doctor : Well, you'd think so, but - all of your diseases are in perfect balance. Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain.

  Montgomery Burns : [checks his watch]  Well...

  [the Doctor puts a tiny model house door on his desk] 

  Doctor : Here's the door to your body, you see?

  [brings up some small fuzz balls with goofy faces and limbs from under the desk] 

  Doctor : And these are oversized novelty germs - er, that's influenza, that's bronchitis, and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer, ha! Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.

  [tries to cram the "germs" through the model door, but they get stuck] 

  Doctor : [à la Curly]  Woo, woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woop!

  [à la Moe] 

  Doctor : Move it, chowder-head!

  [normal voice] 

  Doctor : We call it Three Stooges syndrome.

  Montgomery Burns : So, what you're saying is... I'm indestructible!

  Doctor : Oh, no, no. In fact, even a slight breeze could...

  Montgomery Burns : [leaves the office, to himself]  Indestructible.

• Pirate Captain : Set a course for Hidden Pirate Island - a.k.a. Hong Kong.

• Moe Szyslak : You could steal a boat and sail out to international waters.

  Homer Simpson : What's that, a theme park?

• Moe Szyslak : You know I can't sell you no beer till 2PM on account of it's Sunday.

  Homer Simpson : Huh? If you can't sell beer what are Lenny and Carl doing here?

  Carl : We're just watching the sun move across the sky.

  Lenny : When it gets to here, we can drink again!

• Carl : Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, uh, things are gettin' real ugly.

  [blocking a keg of beer, Moe cracks a whip to keep Lenny and Barney at bay] 

  Moe Szyslak : I can't sell you beer 'til we cross the line!

  Barney : Legally, you could give us free beer.

  [getting whipped] 

  Barney : Ow!

  Lenny : Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds?

  [Moe tosses a bottle to him] 

  Lenny : Hey! Ha-ha-ha. Sucker.

  [as he starts drinking it, Moe whips him] 

  Lenny : Ow!