Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart Simpson: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart Simpson: What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever.
Marge Simpson: It's not your fault, Homer. It's those lousy writers. They make me madder than a... yak in heat.
Roger Myers Jr.: Hey, Krusty, you look great. You get your teeth bleached?
Krusty: Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment... HEY, SHUT UP! You're here 'cause your Itchy & Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings!
[points to a ratings chart]
Krusty: Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show!
Roger Myers Jr.: What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter?
Krusty: See, that what I thought at first, but then... HEY, SHUT UP! That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison!
Roger Myers Jr.: But Itchy & Scratchy is critically acclaimed.
Krusty: ACCLAIMED? PAH! I ought to replace it right now with a Chinese cartoon where robots turn into blingwads! But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger. So I'm gonna give you one more chance. Now get out! Don't come back till you've fixed Itchy & Scratchy.
[Roger Myers Jr. slams the door so hard it breaks off, showing Sideshow Mel in the waiting room]
Krusty's Secreatary: [off-screen] Okay, Mel, you can go in now.
Sideshow Mel: [walks into Krusty's office] Krusty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock 'n' Roll Museum, and...
[Krusty still has an angry face from his argument with Roger Myers Jr]
Sideshow Mel: I'll come back later.
Focus Group Guy: All right, thanks for participating in our focus group, kids. Today, we're gonna show you some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons.
[the kids cheer]
Nelson Muntz: Cool!
Focus Group Guy: We want you to tell us what you think. And be honest because no one from the show is spying on you.
[a man behind the mirror sneezes making the mirror shake]
Lisa Simpson: Why is that mirror sneezing?
Focus Group Guy: Look, it's just an old creaky mirror, you know. Sometimes it sounds a little like it's sneezing or coughing or talking softly.
Lisa Simpson: [suspiciously] Hmm.
Focus Group Guy: [holds his thumb up to the mirror] Now, you each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right. When you don't like what you see, turn it left.
Ralph Wiggum: [with his knob in his mouth] My knob tastes funny.
Focus Group Guy: [taking the knob out of Ralph's mouth] Please refrain from tasting the knob.
Focus Group Guy: [after showing the kids some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons] Okay, how many of the kids would like Itchy & Scratchy to deal with real life problems like the ones you face every day?
[the kids cheer]
Focus Group Guy: And who would like to see them do just the opposite, getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers.
[the kid kids cheer again]
Focus Group Guy: So you want a realistic down-to-earth show that's completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots?
[the kids all chat at once about it being a great idea]
Milhouse Van Houten: And, also, you should win things by watching.
Focus Group Guy: [sighs]
Roger Myers Jr.: [turns off the mirror disguise in the window] You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids, 'cause you're stupid. Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!
[turns the mirror back on]
Ralph Wiggum: [starts crying] Mommy!
Lisa Simpson: Um, excuse me, sir. The thing is, there's not really anything wrong with the Itchy & Scratchy Show. It's as good as ever. But after so many years, the characters just can't have the same impact they once had.
Roger Myers Jr.: [turns the mirror off again] That's it. That's it, little girl. You've saved Itchy & Scratchy!
Blue-haired Lawyer: [holding out a piece of paper to Lisa] Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save Itchy & Scratchy.
June Bellamy: Relax, Homer. You'll do fine. I'm June Bellamy. I do the voices of Itchy & Scratchy.
Homer: You? But you're a lady.
June Bellamy: [as Itchy] She's a lady, all right.
June Bellamy: [as Scratchy] A beautiful lady.
Homer: [laughs] Hey, that really is you. How did you get to be so good?
June Bellamy: Oh, just experience, I suppose. I started out as Road Runner.
June Bellamy: [as Road Runner] Meep!
Homer: You mean "Meep, meep"?
June Bellamy: No, they only paid me to say it once, then they doubled it on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards.
Roger Myers Jr.: You folks ready to begin?
Homer: Uh, I guess. Is this episode going on the air live?
June Bellamy: No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.
Doug: [wearing a T-shirt that says "Genius at Work"] Hi. A question for Miss Bellamy. In episode 2F09 when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
June Bellamy: Uh, well...
Homer: I'll field this one.
Homer: [to Doug] Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
Doug: I withdraw my question.
[takes a bite from a bar of chocolate]
Database: Uh, excuse me, Mr Simpson. On the Itchy & Scratchy CD-ROM, is there a way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key?
Homer: What the hell are you talking about?
June Bellamy: You're a lifesaver, Homer. I can't deal with these hard-core fans.
Comic Book Guy: [clears throat] Your attention, please.
Man: [everyone is still paying attention to June Bellamy & Homer] Uh, in episode...
Comic Book Guy: [interrupting] EH, YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE! Mr Simpson will now be autographing 8-by-10 glossies of Poochie. ONE per customer. Please form a line. There will be no cutting.
[points to someone off-screen]
Comic Book Guy: I'm talking to you, Mr Cutter.
Jasper Beardley: Is this seat taken, little girl?
Bart Simpson: I'm not a girl! Are you blind?
Jasper Beardley: Yes.
Milhouse Van Houten: [the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie cartoon is showing] When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory?
[Milhouse starts whimpering]
Moe: Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on?
Moe: [to Marge] Midge, help me out here.
Homer: Quiet. You're missing the jokes.
Nelson Muntz: [after the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie cartoon ends] That stunk.
Homer: Well, what did everybody think?
[everyone starts leaving in disgust]
Ned Flanders: Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy & Chimpy I've ever seen.
Carl: Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh... got a beautiful home here.
Homer: [to the rest of the Simpson family] So it was pretty okay, huh?
Bart Simpson: Mom, can we go to bed without dinner
Marge Simpson: Yes, we can.
[Marge, Bart and Lisa run upstairs]
[after Poochie the dog debuts on the Itchy and Scratchy show to a lukewarm response]
Homer: I liked it... right?
Homer's Brain: You don't wanna know what I think... Now look sad and say "D'oh!...?
Comic Book Guy: Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Doug: In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is a magic xylophone, or something? Ha ha, boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
Homer: I'll field that one. Let me ask *you* a question. Why would a grown man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
Doug: I withdraw my question.
[starts eating a candy bar]
Homer: Is this episode going on the air live ?
June Bellamy: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.