Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal.
Grampa: [writing a letter] Dear Mr. President, there are too many states these days. Please eliminate three. I am NOT a crackpot.
Principal Dondelinger: This is your exam. It's a series of questions, answered True or False.
Principal Dondelinger: Eh, I was just describing the test, Homer.
Principal Dondelinger: Look, Homer, just do the exam, and you'll be fine.
Jingle singer: Hens love roosters! Geese love ganders! Everybody else loves Ned Flanders!
Homer: Not me!
Jingle singer: Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders!
[the Adventures of Ned Flanders: Love That God]
Todd Flanders: We're not going to church today!
Ned Flanders: *What*? You give me one good reason!
Todd Flanders: It's Saturday!
Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely-doo!
Marge Simpson: An invitation to our high school reunion! Gee, that's odd, they didn't send one to you.
Homer's Brain: This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.
Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge Simpson: Oh my God!
Homer's Brain: No, the other secret.
Homer: Marge, I never graduated from high school.
Marge Simpson: Well, that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait, maybe it does.
Bart Simpson: Grampa, we need to know your first name.
Grampa: [gasps] You're making my tombstone?
Lisa Simpson: No, no, we're just curious.
Grampa: All right, let's see. First name, first name... well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear.
[pulls them out]
Grampa: It holds the answer to all the important questions.
Grampa: "Call me... Abraham Simpson."
Lisa Simpson: Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?
Grampa: ...I don't know.
[Bart and Lisa explain that they used Grampa's name on their script]
Bart Simpson: Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?
Grampa: I figured 'cause the Democrats were in power again.
[practicing his acceptance speech]
Grampa: Thank you for this award. It is a tribute to this great country, that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust...
Lisa Simpson: It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.
[Homer walks in, with a plunger stuck on his head]
Homer: Marge, it happened again!
[he wrenches at it, but only pulls off the handle]
Bart Simpson: What are you gonna change your name to when you grow up?
Lisa Simpson: Lois Sanborn.
Bart Simpson: [points to himself] Steve Bennett.