Sideshow Bob: [Bob calls Birch Barlow's show during a prison riot] I am presently incarcerated, imprisoned for a crime I did not even commit. "Attempted murder," now honestly, did they ever give anyone a Nobel prize for "attempted chemistry?"
[ducks a flying sink]
Sideshow Bob: Oh really now, this is a personal call!
Sideshow Bob: Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may move you to vote Democratic, but deep down you long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king. That's why I did this, to save you from yourselves. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a city to run.
Bart: Oh my God! The dead have risen and are voting Republican.
Jimbo Jones: [after wrapping up Milhouse in "VOTE QUIMBY" bumper stickers and placing him in a shopping cart] All right! The mummy is ready for his mystical journey!
[pushes the shopping cart down a hill]
Milhouse Van Houten: Aaaaah! What's happening?
Bart: We want the truth.
Sideshow Bob: You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you. I deride your truth-handling abilities.
Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
Bart: Bart, your mortal enemy's on the radio!
[Bart turns on the radio]
Dr. Demento: It's time for more deeeeeeee-mentia, with Dr. Demento! And now, the funny five!
[Bart yells and throws the radio out the window]
Lisa: I meant your other mortal enemy, Sideshow Bob.
Bart: Sideshow Bob? Oh, I'm only ten and I already got two mortal enemies!
Larry King: Now even though we're being broadcast on... FOX, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering.
[the entire audience hoots and hollers obnoxiously]
[walking around the cemetary, Lisa and Bart realize that Sideshoe Bob has falsified voting returns with the names of deceased persons]
Lisa: [sees Snowball I's gravestone] Oh, my poor dead kitty, not you too!
[she looks at the voting list: "SNOWBALL I."]
Lisa: All right, Bob! NOW it's personal!
Bart: Hey! Uh, he did try to kill me.
Lisa: Bart, we can't let Bob steal the spotlight like this. We're gonna have to stoop to the lowest common denominator.
Bart: I can do that.
Birchibald T. Barlow: You know, there are three things we are never going to get rid of here in Springfield. One; the bats in the public library. Two; Mrs. McFierly's compost heap. And three; our six-term mayor. The illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking spendocrat, Diamond Joe Quimby.
Mayor Quimby: [listening to the radio, while watering his marijuana plants] Hey! I am no longer illiterate.
[after Bob's election, the Simpsons awake to find a wrecking crew outside their house]
Sideshow Bob: So sorry, Mr. Simpson, but your house is blocking construction of our new Matlock Expressway. Now, I am a fair man. You may have 72 hours to vacate. After which time, we will blow up your house and any remaining Simpsons.
Birchibald T. Barlow: [on the radio] I want all of you out there to do everything in your power to see that Bob is set free!
Moe Szyslak: All right, you heard the man.
[He takes a box out from under the bar]
Moe Szyslak: Everybody, one grenade each.
Barney Gumble: Moe, I think he meant through non-violent, grassroots, poltical action.
Moe Szyslak: Really? You think? Okay, hand 'em back. Come on, everybody.
Moe Szyslak: Hey, hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?
[after Bob's election]
Principal Skinner: Bart, by special order of the Mayor's office, you're being held back.
Bart: Oh, I have to repeat the fourth grade?
Principal Skinner: Yes, but not for four or five years. Bart, you're going to kindergarten.
Mrs. Krabappel: [pops champagne] Ha!
[after Bob is arrested]
Lisa: Congratulations, Bart! You get to go back to the fourth grade!
Bart: [disappointed] Oh... tomorrow we were gonna find out who the dish ran away with.
Lisa: The spoon, Bart.
Bart: [gasps] Of course!
Kent Brockman: Alright, let's go live to Bob headquarters now, for Mayor Terwilliger's victory speech.
Sideshow Bob: [approaches podium] Ahem. Heh, heh, heh. Hah, hah hah, hah hah!
[laughter grows progressively more maniacal]
Sideshow Bob: HA! HA HA HA HA HA! HAAA! HAAA! HAAA! HAAAA!
Kent Brockman: And just look how happy he is.