[answering a prank phone call from Bart]
Moe: Moe's Tavern... Yeah, just a sec, I'll check.
Moe: Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Aw, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
[whole bar bursts into laughter]
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: [into phone] You little SOB! If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
Lionel Hutz: Now, Mrs. Simpson, tell the court in your own words what happened after you and your husband were ejected out of the restaurant.
Marge: Well, we pretty much went straight home.
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, remember that you are under oath.
Marge: We drove around until three in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn't find one?
Marge: [crying] We... went... fishing.
Lionel Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man whose had ALL he could eat?
[the jury is made up of fat, obese people]
Jury: No, no.
Man in Jury: No, that could've been me!
Flying Dutchman Waiter #2: And for you sir?
Homer: All you can eat! All you can eat!
Flying Dutchman Waiter #2: Now, when you're ready take this plate up and...
Homer: [already at buffet taking out a steam tray]
Homer Simpson: [panicking] No sir! Don't take the steam tray!
[at the Frying Dutchman, Homer continues to eat everything in sight. The waitstaff look on]
Flying Dutchman Waiter #2: [to Captain McAlister] That man ate all our shrimp! And two plastic lobsters!
Captain McAllister: 'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eatin' machine!
Captain McAllister: [He approaches Homer/Marge's table] Six bells! Time for closin'!
Homer: [with mouth full] Can't talk. Eating.
Captain McAllister: Fairly warned be thee, says I!
[Captain McAlister snaps his fingers. The waitstaff forcibly remove Homer from the table and drag him outside. However, Homer breaks free and runs back inside to shovel more food in his mouth. Again, the waitstaff drag him away]
Homer: [whining] But the sign said "All you can eat!"
Kabul Restaurant Employee #1: [at the very quiet Two Guys from Kabul Restaurant, so quiet the only sound is the clock ticking]
Kabul Restaurant Employee #1: Sometimes I think, you want to fail.
Kabul Restaurant Employee #2: Shut up, just shut up.
[the phone suddenly rings and both the employees wrestle each other trying to get it first]
[Homer has been thrown out of an all-you-can-eat restaurant for eating too much]
Lionel Hutz: This is the most blatant case of false advertising since my suit against the movie The Neverending Story.
Homer: So, do you think I have a case?
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I don't use the word 'hero' lightly, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
[after tripping and knocking himself out, Bart wakes up and sees Laura bending over him]
Laura Powers: Hey, kid, wake up! Hi, I'm Laura Powers, your new neighbor. Are you okay?
Bart Simpson: [thinking] She's beautiful! Say something clever.
Bart Simpson: [aloud] I fell on my bottom.
Bart Simpson: [thinking] D'oh!
[Laura is coming over to babysit]
Lisa Simpson: [incredulous] You're taking a bath?
Bart Simpson: Hey, sometimes a guy just wants his skin to look its yellowest.
Bart: Grampa, I need some advice. Did you ever fall in love with an older woman?
Abe Simpson: I fell in love with the OLDEST woman. A hundred and twenty-four years old, she was. Here's a picture of her delivering Eubie Blake.
Bart: Wow. What happened?
Abe Simpson: She fell in with that Guinness Book of Records crowd; all of a sudden she didn't have time for me. Ohhh, I wore a fifteen-pound beard of bees for that woman, but it wasn't enough.
Homer: Son, a woman is a lot like...
[sees the fridge]
Homer: a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, three-hundred pounds... they make ice and...
[eyes his Duff]
Homer: No, actually a woman is a more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one.
Homer: But you can't stop at one...
[grabs another beer from the fridge]
Homer: you want to drink another woman.
[10 beers later]
Homer: So I says; "Yeah? You want that money? Come and find it! 'Cause I don't know where it is, ya baloney! You... make me... wanna... wretch..."
[Bart wants to learn about sex]
Homer: I think he should learn about it the way I did.
[Flashback of Homer as a child, he is at a zoo watching monkeys]
[points to monkeys]
Homer: Those two monkeys are killing each other!
Zookeeper: [whispers in Homer's ear] They're having sex.
Bart: Dad, if there's a really special girl and she likes some clod who's beneath her, what should you do?
Homer: I *married* her!
[grabs Marge and puts her on his lap; they giggle]
Marge: Homer, please!
Marge: I just had eggs.
Laura Powers: Hello I'd like to speak to Mrs Tinkle, first name,
[Bart whispers in Laura's ear]
Laura Powers: Ivana.
Moe: Hold on just a sec. Ivana tinkle? Ivana tinkle? Everybody put down their glasses Ivana tinkle?
[Bar Patrons Laugh and so do Laura and Bart]
Moe: Oh, I better get back and check on Barney.
Barney: [drinking beer straight from the tap] Oh, oh, my heart stopped!
[after about 10 seconds]
Barney: There it goes.