- Marge Simpson: Krusty! We came to see how many campaign promises you've kept.
- Krusty the Clown: Uh, let's see... did I promise to be a slave to big oil?
- Marge Simpson: No.
- Krusty the Clown: Well, then none.
- Krusty the Clown: Look at this list of words they won't let me say on the air.
- Bart Simpson: Oh, all the good ones. Hmm, I never even heard of number nine.
- Krusty the Clown: It's doing thirteen while she's eleven-ing your five.
- Krusty the Clown: Uh, just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up any youthful and middle-aged indiscretions?
- Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial, or treasonous?
- Krusty the Clown: A Russian hooker. You tell me.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, no problem. We'll say you were on a fact-finding mission.
- Krusty the Clown: I did find out one fact. She was a guy.
- Elderly Congressman: Why, this news make my blood boil, my left arm feel numb, my mouth taste of copper! Arrgggh!
- [congressman collapses]
- Marge: He's had a heart-attack! Quick someone do CPR!
- Homer Simpson: [singing] I see a bad moon rising...
- Marge: No that's CCR!
- Homer Simpson: Errr...
- [singing]
- Homer Simpson: Looks like we're in for nasty weather...
- [the Simpsons' drywall collapses and Maggie crawls out of it]
- Homer: [in baby talk] Maggie. That's where you were, honey. You were hiding in the drywall, yes you were. Daddy's sure happy Social Services didn't see this, yes he is.
- Homer: Krusty, you let everyone down. And even worse, you let down this sacred document.
- [Homer brandishes a rolled-up scroll]
- Krusty the Clown: You're right. It's time I made a difference!
- [Krusty storms off]
- Lisa Simpson: Dad, this is a kids menu where you help Yogi Bear get to the Washington Monument.
- Homer: ...stained with the blood of American patriots.
- Lisa Simpson: That's jelly.
- Homer: ...from the Unknown Toaster.
- [Homer salutes]