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"The Simpsons" Marge vs. the Monorail (TV Episode 1993) Poster

Quotes

[whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car, drives away, and sings to the tune of "The Flintstones"]

Homer: Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH!

[crashes into a chestnut tree]

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Marge: My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.

Mayor Quimby: Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.

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[Homer can't stop the monorail]

Marge: Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you.

Homer: Batman?

Marge: No, he's a scientist.

Homer: Batman's a scientist.

Marge: It's NOT Batman.

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Homer: Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor.

Marge: Homer, no.

Homer: It's my lifelong dream!

Marge: Your lifelong dream was to run out onto the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember?

[Points to a framed newspaper reading "IDIOT RUINS GAME - Springfield forfeits pennant"]

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Marge Simpson: [Marge opens a closet in the monorail] Homer, there's a family of opossums in here!

Homer: I call the big one Bitey.

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Homer: [driving the car with a giant piano strapped to the top, therefore the total weight seriously damaging the road] Whoo-hoo! Look at that pavement fly!

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[as the monorail speeds out of control]

Krusty the Clown: Krusty wants out!

[He wrenches open the door and starts to drop to his death]

Leonard Nimoy: [pulls him back] No! The world needs laughter.

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[the out-of-control Monorail has been temporarily halted by a solar eclipse]

Leonard Nimoy: A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on.

Man: [sitting next to Leonard Nimoy and starting to get a little freaked out by him] Does anyone want to switch seats?

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Homer: Donuts - is there anything they can't do?

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[Homer and Marge discuss the dangers of a monorail]

Marge: What if something goes wrong?

Homer: Pffft... what if. What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh my god, I'd be killed!

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Homer: Are we gonna die son?

Bart: Yeah. But at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us.

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Mayor Quimby: All right, I'm in charge here.

Chief Wiggum: Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.

Mayor Quimby: Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.

Chief Wiggum: Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby.

Mayor Quimby: You don't scare me, that could be anyone's ass. Now beat it! I'm calling the shots.

Chief Wiggum: I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain! The town charter says, in an emergency I run the show!

Mayor Quimby: Well, we'll just see about that! Let's go to Town Hall!

Chief Wiggum: Fine!

[then]

Chief Wiggum: Should we take one car, or should I follow you?

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Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.

Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!

Crowd: [heading outside to the front steps while singing] Monorail... Monorail... Monoraaaaaaaaail! MONORAIL!

Homer: Mono - D'oh!

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Leonard Nimoy: My job here is done.

Barney Gumble: What do you mean? You didn't do anything.

Leonard Nimoy: [chuckles] Didn't I?

[gets "beamed" away, a la "Star Trek"]

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Mayor Quimby: And now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshall, Mr. Leonard Nimoy.

Leonard Nimoy: [referring to the monorail] I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp Five.

[crowd laughs]

Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May the Force be with you."

Leonard Nimoy: [annoyed] Do you even know who I am?

Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?

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[Suggestions on how to spend Mr. Burns' $3 million]

Apu: Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.

Chief Wiggum: Crybaby.

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Sebastian Kobb: [showing Marge North Haverbrook's monorail] This is all that's left of one of the crappiest trains ever built.

Marge Simpson: [worried] Mr Kobb, what can we do?

Sebastian Kobb: You just better have a damn good conductor.

[cuts to the monorail where Homer is clattering a metal wire over the monorail door]

Homer: Ohh, I locked my keys in there!

[to Bart]

Homer: Get a rock.

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Judge Snyder: Mr. Burns, in light of your unbelievable contempt for human life, this court fines you $3million.

Montgomery Burns: Smithers, my wallet's in my right front pocket.

[Smithers hands over the money]

Montgomery Burns: Oh, and I'll take that statue of justice too.

Judge Snyder: Sold!

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Marge Simpson: Well, I think we should spend the money on something the whole town can be proud of.

Homer: Like a giant billboard that says "No fat chicks"?

Marge Simpson: No.

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Marge: [at the town meeting] Ooh, it looks like everyone in Springfield showed up for this.

[cut to a group of burglars breaking into various houses]

Snake: Could this town be any stupider?

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Mayor Quimby: Order! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.

Homer: Get to the money!

Mayor Quimby: In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.

Apu: Get to the money!

Rev. Lovejoy: Get to the money!

Grampa Simpson: Get to the moneeey!

Mayor Quimby: Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the $2million.

Lisa Simpson: Don't you mean $3million?

Mayor Quimby: Of course. How silly of me.

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Homer: [after the monorail song has just finished] Mono... D'oh!

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Maude Flanders: Excuse me, we could use the money to hire fireman to finally put out that blaze on the east side of town.

Homer: Boring!

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TV announcer: Coming soon, it's "Truckasaurus: The Movie", starring Marlon Brando as the voice of John Truckasaurus.

John Truckasaurus: You crazy car, I don't know whether to eat you or kiss you.

TV disclaimer: Celebrity voice impersonated.

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Montgomery Burns: [very badly disguised with a fake moustache] Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub. And I come from, uh... someplace far away.

Montgomery Burns: [to himself] Yes, that'll do.

Montgomery Burns: [back to Mayor Quimby] Anyway, I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant.

Waylon Smithers: I like the way Snrub thinks.

[everyone looks suspiciously at Mr. Burns, then Smithers fires a rope a the roof, helping Mr. Burns to escape]

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Kent Brockman: [to the TV camera] Here's country singing sensation Lurleen Lumpkin, fresh from her latest day at the Betty Ford Clinic.

Kent Brockman: [to Lurleen] What you been up to Lurleen?

Lurleen Lumpkin: I spent last night in the ditch.

Kent Brockman: [to the TV camera] How about that, folks?

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Marge: I still thing we should have used the money to fix Main Street.

Homer: Well, you should have written a song like that guy.

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Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.

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[about the $3 million fined from Mr. Burns]

Lisa Simpson: Oh, what a boon it could be for our underfunded public schools.

[in Lisa's fantasy]

Miss Hoover: Children, it's time for your history lesson. Put on your virtual reality helmets.

[the children do]

Genghis Khan: Hmm, excellent... hello, Lisa! I'm Genghis Khan! You'll go where I go, defile what I defile, eat who I eat!

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Airline Pilot: [over PA] Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.

Lyle Lanely: [sitting in first class, sipping a martini] North Haverbrook... where have I heard that name before?

[realizes]

Lyle Lanely: Oh, no... OH, NO!

North Haverbrook Man: [as the plane lands] There he is! Seat 3-F!

[as soon as the plane touches down, a lynch mob rushes on board]

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Lyle Lanely: You know, a town with money is a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.

[crowd laughs]

Homer: He heh... mule.

Lyle Lanely: The name's Lanely! Lyle Lanely. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.

[starts to walk out of the room]

Mayor Quimby: [at the podium] Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. You just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!

Lyle Lanely: All right. I'll tell you what I'll do! I'll show you my idea.

[runs over to a display covered by a sheet, and he whips it off, revealing a diorama of Springfield with a monorail model going through it]

Lyle Lanely: I give you the Springfield Monorail!

[crowd gasps]

Lyle Lanely: I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum I've put them on the map!

[holds up a map of the U.S. with those towns' names drawn on with pen]

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Lyle Lanely: [begins to chant rhythmically] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?

[points at Ned Flanders]

Ned Flanders: Monorail!

Lyle Lanely: What's it called?

Patty BouvierSelma Bouvier: Monorail.

Lyle Lanely: That's right, monorail!

[runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting]

Crowd: Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.

[continues underneath those who speak]

Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.

Lyle Lanely: [playing the piano on stage] It glides as softly as a cloud.

Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?

Lyle Lanely: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.

Barney Gumble: What about us brain-dead slobs?

Lyle Lanely: You'll be given cushy jobs.

Grampa Simpson: Were you sent here by the devil?

Lyle Lanely: No, good sir, I'm on the level.

Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.

Lyle Lanely: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

Crowd: [singing] Monorail...

Lyle Lanely: [speaking] What's it called?

Crowd: [singing] Monorail...

Lyle Lanely: Once again!

Crowd: [still singing] Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!

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Marge: And that was the only folly the people of Springfield ever took on... Except for the Popsicle stick skyscraper, and that 50 ft magnifying glass, and the escalator to nowhere.

[people yelping as they fall off of the escalator]

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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