Mayor Quimby: All right, I'm in charge here.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.
Mayor Quimby: Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby.
Mayor Quimby: You don't scare me, that could be anyone's ass. Now beat it! I'm calling the shots.
Chief Wiggum: I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain! The town charter says, in an emergency I run the show!
Mayor Quimby: Well, we'll just see about that! Let's go to Town Hall!
Chief Wiggum: Fine!
Chief Wiggum: Should we take one car, or should I follow you?
[Homer can't stop the monorail]
Marge: Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you.
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist.
Marge: It's NOT Batman.
[whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car, drives away, and sings to the tune of "The Flintstones"]
Homer: Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH!
[crashes into a chestnut tree]
Marge Simpson: [Marge opens a closet in the monorail] Homer, there's a family of opossums in here!
Homer: I call the big one Bitey.
Marge: My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.
Mayor Quimby: Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.
Homer: Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor.
Marge: Homer, no.
Homer: It's my lifelong dream!
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to run out onto the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember?
[Points to a framed newspaper reading "IDIOT RUINS GAME - Springfield forfeits pennant"]
Mayor Quimby: And now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshall, Mr. Leonard Nimoy.
Leonard Nimoy: [referring to the monorail] I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp Five.
Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May the Force be with you."
Leonard Nimoy: [annoyed] Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?
[the out-of-control Monorail has been temporarily halted by a solar eclipse]
Leonard Nimoy: A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on.
Man: [sitting next to Leonard Nimoy and starting to get a little freaked out by him] Does anyone want to switch seats?
Homer: [driving the car with a giant piano strapped to the top, therefore the total weight seriously damaging the road] Whoo-hoo! Look at that pavement fly!
Montgomery Burns: [very badly disguised with a fake moustache] Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub. And I come from, uh... someplace far away.
Montgomery Burns: [to himself] Yes, that'll do.
Montgomery Burns: [back to Mayor Quimby] Anyway, I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant.
Waylon Smithers: I like the way Snrub thinks.
[everyone looks suspiciously at Mr. Burns, then Smithers fires a rope a the roof, helping Mr. Burns to escape]
Lyle Lanely: [begins to chant rhythmically] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?
[points at Ned Flanders]
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanely: What's it called?
Lyle Lanely: That's right, monorail!
[runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting]
Crowd: Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
[continues underneath those who speak]
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanely: [playing the piano on stage] It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanely: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney Gumble: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanely: You'll be given cushy jobs.
Grampa Simpson: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanely: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanely: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: [speaking] What's it called?
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: Once again!
Crowd: [still singing] Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!
[as the monorail speeds out of control]
Krusty the Clown: Krusty wants out!
[He wrenches open the door and starts to drop to his death]
Leonard Nimoy: [pulls him back] No! The world needs laughter.
Leonard Nimoy: My job here is done.
Barney Gumble: What do you mean? You didn't do anything.
Leonard Nimoy: [chuckles] Didn't I?
[gets "beamed" away, a la "Star Trek"]
[Homer and Marge discuss the dangers of a monorail]
Marge: What if something goes wrong?
Homer: Pffft... what if. What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh my god, I'd be killed!
Sebastian Kobb: [showing Marge North Haverbrook's monorail] This is all that's left of one of the crappiest trains ever built.
Marge Simpson: [worried] Mr Kobb, what can we do?
Sebastian Kobb: You just better have a damn good conductor.
[cuts to the monorail where Homer is clattering a metal wire over the monorail door]
Homer: Ohh, I locked my keys in there!
Homer: Get a rock.
Marge: I still thing we should have used the money to fix Main Street.
Homer: Well, you should have written a song like that guy.
Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!
Crowd: [heading outside to the front steps while singing] Monorail... Monorail... Monoraaaaaaaaail! MONORAIL!
Homer: Mono - D'oh!
Marge: And that was the only folly the people of Springfield ever took on... Except for the Popsicle stick skyscraper, and that 50 ft magnifying glass, and the escalator to nowhere.
[people yelping as they fall off of the escalator]
Lyle Lanely: So in conlusion, Mono means one and rail means rail.
[Suggestions on how to spend Mr. Burns' $3 million]
Apu: Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.
Chief Wiggum: Crybaby.
Judge Snyder: Mr. Burns, in light of your unbelievable contempt for human life, this court fines you $3million.
Montgomery Burns: Smithers, my wallet's in my right front pocket.
[Smithers hands over the money]
Montgomery Burns: Oh, and I'll take that statue of justice too.
Judge Snyder: Sold!
Marge Simpson: Well, I think we should spend the money on something the whole town can be proud of.
Homer: Like a giant billboard that says "No fat chicks"?
Marge Simpson: No.
Marge: [at the town meeting] Ooh, it looks like everyone in Springfield showed up for this.
[cut to a group of burglars breaking into various houses]
Snake: Could this town be any stupider?
Mayor Quimby: Order! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.
Homer: Get to the money!
Mayor Quimby: In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.
Apu: Get to the money!
Rev. Lovejoy: Get to the money!
Grampa Simpson: Get to the moneeey!
Mayor Quimby: Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the $2million.
Lisa Simpson: Don't you mean $3million?
Mayor Quimby: Of course. How silly of me.
Homer: [after the monorail song has just finished] Mono... D'oh!
Maude Flanders: Excuse me, we could use the money to hire fireman to finally put out that blaze on the east side of town.
TV announcer: Coming soon, it's "Truckasaurus: The Movie", starring Marlon Brando as the voice of John Truckasaurus.
John Truckasaurus: You crazy car, I don't know whether to eat you or kiss you.
TV disclaimer: Celebrity voice impersonated.
Kent Brockman: [to the TV camera] Here's country singing sensation Lurleen Lumpkin, fresh from her latest day at the Betty Ford Clinic.
Kent Brockman: [to Lurleen] What you been up to Lurleen?
Lurleen Lumpkin: I spent last night in the ditch.
Kent Brockman: [to the TV camera] How about that, folks?
[about the $3 million fined from Mr. Burns]
Lisa Simpson: Oh, what a boon it could be for our underfunded public schools.
[in Lisa's fantasy]
Miss Hoover: Children, it's time for your history lesson. Put on your virtual reality helmets.
[the children do]
Genghis Khan: Hmm, excellent... hello, Lisa! I'm Genghis Khan! You'll go where I go, defile what I defile, eat who I eat!
Airline Pilot: [over PA] Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.
Lyle Lanely: [sitting in first class, sipping a martini] North Haverbrook... where have I heard that name before?
Lyle Lanely: Oh, no... OH, NO!
North Haverbrook Man: [as the plane lands] There he is! Seat 3-F!
[as soon as the plane touches down, a lynch mob rushes on board]
Lyle Lanely: You know, a town with money is a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.
Homer: He heh... mule.
Lyle Lanely: The name's Lanely! Lyle Lanely. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
[starts to walk out of the room]
Mayor Quimby: [at the podium] Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. You just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
Lyle Lanely: All right. I'll tell you what I'll do! I'll show you my idea.
[runs over to a display covered by a sheet, and he whips it off, revealing a diorama of Springfield with a monorail model going through it]
Lyle Lanely: I give you the Springfield Monorail!
Lyle Lanely: I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum I've put them on the map!
[holds up a map of the U.S. with those towns' names drawn on with pen]