- Grampa Simpson: Have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"?
- Bart Simpson: I glanced at it. Boy cries wolf, has a few laughs... I forget how it ends.
- Grampa Simpson: [does an annoyed grunt as he approaches a red light] Bart, is that light green?
- Bart Simpson: Yep!
- Grampa Simpson: It better be!
- [Grampa runs the red light as a pedestrian yells at him]
- [Willie shares a flask of Scotch with the whipped wolf]
- Groundskeeper Willie: Ah, don't feel too bad for losin'! I was wrestling wolves when you were at your mother's teat!
- [Marge, Homer, and Lionel Hutz confront Burns in his office]
- Lionel Hutz: [slams his briefcase down on the desk] Mr. Burns, we've got witnesses, precedent, and a paper trail a mile long!
- Mr. Burns: Yes? Well, *I* have ten high-priced lawyers.
- [He presses a button, opening a wall panel and revealing his ten lawyers standing in a row. Hutz screams in terror and dashes out of the room]
- Homer Simpson: He left his briefcase.
- [opens it]
- Homer Simpson: Hey! It's full of shredded newspaper.
- Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is exactly what I need to help rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
- Marge: It's 9:30 in the morning.
- Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days.
- Groundskeeper Willie: [a wolf is attacking Bart] Hey, Wolfie! Put down that hors d'oeurve, it's time fer tha main course!
- Retirement Party Usher: The Spruce Caboose, the biggest, most expensive train ever built. Some said it was too big to stay on the tracks.
- [Points to a picture of the train lying on its side and chuckles]
- Retirement Party Usher: They were right.
- Tom Jones: [Tom Jones is chained up while singing for Marge and Homer. He whispers to Marge] Get help, love. Call Interpol, get me a hacksaw, anything.
- Troy McClure: Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional videos as: "Mothballing Your Battle Ship" and "Dig Your Own Grave and Save"!
- Homer Simpson: Hey, then I can follow my dream: living in the woods and keeping a journal of my thoughts.
- [imagines it]
- Homer Simpson: March fifteenth: I wish I brought a TV. Oh, god how I miss TV.
- Edna Krabappel: So Bart, how are you feeling?
- [Bart shows that he is good by running up the wall]
- Bart: Can't complain.
- Edna Krabappel: Well then, you're ready for your make-up test.
- Bart: [begins to fake another illness to get out of a test he hasn't prepared for] Ohhhh, my ovaries!
- Mr. Burns: Tonight, we've all come to honor a close friend of ours.
- Homer Simpson: Boring!
- Mr. Burns: A man who provided the Burns Corporation with 45 years of faithful service, Mr. Jack Marley.
- Homer Simpson: Boring!
- Mr. Burns: Ummm, I dreamed about her again last night, Smithers. You know that dream where you're in bed and they fly in through the window?
- Waylon Smithers: Ohhh.
- [imaging himself in bed and seeing Burns fly in through the open windows]
- Waylon Smithers: You've been reading my Wish Book, sir.
- [Mr. Burns gives Marge an office next to his own]
- Waylon Smithers: But, sir, that's my office!
- Montgomery Burns: Don't worry, Smithers. I'm putting you where the action is.
- [Cut to Smithers in a men's room, wearing a hairnet and scrubbing one of the urinals with a toothbrush]
- Waylon Smithers: Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better?
- [Homer rushes into the men's room and up to the urinal, unzipping his pants]
- Homer Simpson: Oh, man, I really gotta-!
- Waylon Smithers: NO-OOOO!
- Edna Krabappel: Bart, have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"?
- Bart Simpson: I'm halfway through it, I swear!
- Bart Simpson: [in a disheveled state, gives Mrs. Krabappel his test] Here's my test
- Edna Krabappel: Bart, I'm not even going to grade this until you tell me the truth about what happened out there
- Bart Simpson: The truth is, there was no wolf. I faked the whole thing. I'm just gonna lie on the floor now. Please don't let me swallow my tongue.
- [Bart faints on the floor]
- Edna Krabappel: There. Doesn't it feel better to tell the truth?
- [Mrs. Krabappel starts poking an unconscious Bart with her pointer]
- Edna Krabappel: Oh Dear!
- Bart Simpson: [screaming] WOLF! WOLF! WOLF!
- Edna Krabappel: I'm afraid you're going to have to do better then that.
- [Bart is screaming as the wolf is growling]
- Edna Krabappel: Sorry, no sale!
- [the wolf smashes the window on the door]
- Edna Krabappel: You're wasting valuable test time!
- Grampa Simpson: Good news, boy! I found a pharmacy that carries leeches! Well, it wasn't exactly a pharmacy, more of a bait shop.
- Edna Krabappel: Bart, to avoid this test, you've had smallpox, the bends, and that unfortunate bout of rabies.
- Bart Simpson: Well I'm not sure I'm over it!
- [Bart starts mimicking ticking symptoms of Tourette's Syndrome]
- Bart Simpson: Shove it witch!
- [Bart starts mimicking symptoms of a rabid animal]
- Edna Krabappel: [angrily puts the paper on Bart's desk] No more excuses!