- [the Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing on Krusty's show]
- Krusty the Clown: Now, boys, the network has a problem with some of your lyrics. Do you mind changing them for the show?
- Anthony Kiedis: Forget you, clown.
- Chad Smith: Yeah, our lyrics are like our children, man. No way.
- Krusty the Clown: Well, okay, but here where it says, "What I got you gotta get and put it in ya," how about just, "What I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss ya."
- Flea: Wow. That's much better.
- Arik Marshall: Everyone can enjoy that.
- [Krusty is trying to talk Sideshow Mel into quitting his job a fast-food joint]
- Krusty the Clown: But you gotta come back, Mel! We're a team!
- Sideshow Mel: No, Krusty, you always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants, and cracked my buttocks with a hammer!
- Krusty the Clown: Ah, come on. You wanna spend your life hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers?
- Squeaky Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, Mister. Whoops, it fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow-w-w! Ow-w-w!
- Sideshow Mel: Sorry Krusty, I like it here. Mr. Johannson treats me with dignity.
- Mr. Johannson: Is this clown bothering you, Mel?
- Sideshow Mel: It's all right, Mr. Johannson, I'll handle it.
- Squeaky Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, sir.
- Krusty the Clown: I don't want it!
- Squeaky Voiced Teen: But this comes out of my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.
- [the Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing at Moe's bar]
- Bart: Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, do you want to appear on a Krusty comeback special?
- Flea: Sure, if you can get us outta this gig.
- Bart: No problemo.
- [Bart points to the wall behind Moe]
- Bart: Hey Moe, look over there.
- Moe: What? What am I looking at?
- [Bart and the Red Hot Chili Peppers walk out the door]
- Moe: I'm gonna stop looking here in a second. What, is *that* it?
- [Homer walks into the bar]
- Homer: Hey Moe, can I look too?
- Moe: Sure, but it'll cost ya.
- Homer: My wallet's in the car.
- [He runs outside]
- Moe: He is so stupid. And now, back to the wall...
- [the Red Hot Chili Peppers walk into Moe's bar in their underwear]
- Anthony Kiedis: What's up, Moe.
- Flea: HEY MOE!
- Moe Szyslak: Hey! You guys can't come in here dressed like that!
- Dr. Julius Hibbert: [In his underwear] Get with the time, Moe.
- Chief Wiggum: [In his underwear] Yeah, I say if it feels good, do it.
- Dr. Julius Hibbert: Alright.
- [stretches Wiggum's underwear and snaps him with them - laughs histerically]
- Chief Wiggum: Don't snap my undies.
- Anthony Kiedis: You told our agent this place holds 30,000 people.
- Moe: It does. We had 30,000 here last night. Now play. The audience is getting restless.
- Barney: [flicking a lighter] We want chilly-willy. We want chilly-willy.
- [while Krusty is staying with the Simpsons, trying to lose weight, he and Homer are boxing in the living room]
- Krusty the Clown: [drops his hands] Oh, why am I bothering? It's hopeless.
- Gabbo: [on TV] Hi, kids! It's me, Gabbo!
- [He laughs in imitation of Krusty, who goes berserk and starts punching Homer ferociously. Maggie, alarmed, grabs the TV remote and changes the channel]
- Scott Christian: Pork prices rose in early trading today...
- [Homer rallies and counterattacks, punching Krusty across the room]
- Krusty the Clown: I don't how to thank you kids.
- Bart: That's okay, Krusty.
- Lisa Simpson: We're getting fifty percent of the t-shirt sales.
- Krusty the Clown: WHAT? That's the sweetest plum! You little...!
- [calms down]
- Krusty the Clown: Ah, what the hell, you deserve it. Thanks, kids.
- Gabbo: And now it's time for another patented Gabbo crank call! Oh, I love these!
- Bart: I can't believe it! He stole this bit from Krusty!
- Lisa Simpson: Yeah, well, Krusty stole it from Steve Allen.
- Grandpa Simpson: Oh, everything's stolen nowadays. Why, the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.
- Krusty the Clown: All right, here's the deal: every time you watch my show, I will send you forty dollars!
- Krusty the Clown Show Disclaimer: Checks will not be honored.
- [in a low quick voice over]
- Krusty the Clown: Now, Johnny, what you got for us? Some jokes? A little magic?
- Johnny Carson: Actually, I thought I'd lift this 1987 Buick Skylark over my head.
- [does so]
- Krusty the Clown: Hi-yo! Johnny, that's amazing!
- Johnny Carson: Oh, yeah? Get a load of this.
- [He juggles the car over his head, while singing opera]
- Krusty the Clown: Here's a feature never before seen on TV - dumb pet tricks. Catch the rubber ball, Fifi.
- [the dog goes for Krusty's nose]
- Krusty the Clown: AH. SOMEBODY SHOOT IT. SOMEBODY SHOOT IT.
- Moe Szyslak: oh it can we had 30 thousand in here last night. now come on guys' play the audience. is getting restless.