[Kent Brockman is covering a summer camp mutiny]
Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.
Krusty the Clown: Get ready for two weeks at the happiest place on earth... Tijuana!
Lisa: [writing a letter] "Dear Mom, I no longer fear Hell, because I've been to Kamp Krusty. Our nature hikes have become grim death marches. Our arts and crafts hut is, in truth, a Dickensian workhouse. Bart makes it through the day clinging to his hope that Krusty the Klown will come. But I am far more pessimistic. I am not even sure if this letter will reach you, as the normal lines of communication have been cut. So I close by saying, SAVE US! SAVE US NOW! Bart and Lisa."
Homer: Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Lisa: I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart.
Bart: We're all gonna die, Lis.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I.
Bart: [opening his locker] Thirty-six, twenty-four, thirty-six. Ha-ha-ha...
[as the campers begin rioting]
Mr. Black: I thought you said you broke their spirits!
Jimbo Jones: [in rising fear] We did!
Mr. Black: [slapping Jimbo across the face] You broke *nothing*!
Bart: Let's get 'em!
Mr. Black: To the hydrofoil!
Bart: All right, that's it! I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins, my Krusty calculator didn't have a 7 or an 8, and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions, but this time he's gone too far! We want Krusty!
Campers: We want Krusty! We want Krusty!
Barney Gumble: Yeah, we want Crunchy! We want Crunchy!
Bart: How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product.
Krusty the Clown: [loud sobbing] Oh! They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house. I'm not made of stone!
Bart: This camp was a nightmare. They fed us gruel, forced us to make wallets for export and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!
Krusty the Clown: Oh, my god!
Bart: Actually, the bear just ate his hat.
Krusty the Clown: Was it a nice hat?
Bart: Oh yeah.
Krusty the Clown: Oh, my god!
[At Kamp Krusty Fat Camp]
Kamp Krusty Counsellor: All right, you balls of pan drippings, I want to see Crisco coming out of those pores! We're not leaving until this Christmas HAM gives me a pull-up!
[Mr. Black announces Krusty the Klown]
Bart: [half-crazed] See? I told you Krusty would come! Ha-ha! He's gonna bring us food, and water, and smite our enemies!
Bart: That's Not Krusty the Klown!
Mr. Black: What do you think, I just slapped a clown suit on some wino?
Barney Gumble: Yeah Bart, I am so Crunchy the Clown!
[while the kids at Kamp Krusty are starved and tormented, the counsellors sit down to a sumptuous meal]
Jimbo Jones: Yo, Mr. Black! Another brandy.
Mr. Black: Gentlemen, to evil.
Krusty the Clown: Kamp Krusty is built on an ancient Indian burial ground. We've got archery, wallet-making, the whole megillah! And for all you fat kids, my exclusive program of diet and ridicule will really get results!
Mr. Prince: We'll see you when you get back from image enhancement camp.
Martin Prince: Spare me your euphemisms! It's fat camp, for Daddy's chubby little secret!
Mr. Prince: You promised you wouldn't make a scene.
Teacher: [the bell rings to end the school year; a teacher appears out of nowhere] Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World War II ended.
[the students turn back to look at him]
Teacher: WE WON!
Students: [high fiving and pumping fists] YAYYY! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
[several begin turning over a car]
Marge Simpson: [looking through Bart's luggage] Bart, where are your bathing trunks?
Bart: I'm gonna swim nekkid!
Marge Simpson: What?
Bart: Ah, sure, there'll be some uptight counselors there who won't dig the Bart Philosophy. But I believe the human body is a thing of beauty...
Homer: [enters in his underwear] Marge, am I crazy, or is my back getting hairier?
Krusty the Clown: I'm no fake! I'm the real Krusty!
Lisa: Oh, yeah? Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom "President Clown"?
Krusty the Clown: I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year.
Principal Skinner: [on the last day of school] Attention all students, this is Principal Skinner. I trust you all remembered to bring in your implements of destruction? Now let's trash this dump!
Lisa: [handing out confiscated care packages] Kowalski!
Kowalski: My brownies!
Ralph Wiggum: A change of underwear!
Crandall: My insulin!
[Bart frees the kids from the Kamp Krusty Fat Camp]
Bart: My chunky brothers! Gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom!
Lisa: [Lisa is entering a canoe, and is in danger of turning over from the river currents] Is this safe?
Jimbo Jones: Well... It isn't getting any safer.
Mr. Black: [Mr. Black is introducing himself to the campers] I'm Mr. Black... Any questions?
Ralph Wiggum: Can we call you Uncle Blackie?
Mr. Black: No.