Marge: Do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!
Homer: *Now* who's being naive?
Grampa: Look what your bad egg of a son did to my teeth!
Homer: [rolling eyes] Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth," "The nurses are stealing my money," "This thing on my neck is getting bigger."
Marge: Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
Lisa: What are we gonna have?
Homer: Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poison pizza.
Homer: Oh, no. I'm not making two stops.
Homer: You know, when I was a boy I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.
Homer: If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to put you in a home.
Grampa: You already put me in a home.
Homer: Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes.
Grampa: [cowering] I'll be good.
Homer: [Bart has broken Grandpa's dentures] Young man, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.
Grampa: Oh, this is gonna be sweet.
Homer: Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three R's. Reading TV Guide, um... Writing to TV Guide, um... and Renewing TV Guide.
Homer: I know my punishment may seem harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
Bart: TV sucks.
Homer: [with restrained anger] I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.
[as punishment for letting Maggie wander off, Homer decrees that Bart can never go to the "Itchy & Scratchy Movie."]
Bart: Dad, you gotta let me see that movie! Can't you just give me a spanking?
[drops his pants, turns around, and bends over]
Bart: Come on, go nuts!
Homer: Don't point that thing at me!
Homer: Now, what were we talking about, boy?
Bart: Uhhhh... we were talking about the time you beat jury duty.
Homer: Oh, yeah. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Marge: Homer, I'd like to talk to you.
Homer: But then I won't be watching TV. You can see the bind I'm in.
[Bart has put his James Bond action figure into the microwave; as he speaks to it, he strokes Snowball II, a la Ernst Stavro Blofeld]
Bart: Stick around, Mr. Bond. Things are really starting to...
[the figure melts, while Bart laughs evilly]
Kent Brockman: Tonight on Eye on Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years.
Man: [hic] Kill me.
Man: Kill me.
Homer: Which one's the mouse?
Homer: Itchy's a jerk.
Bart: [chuckles] Yeah.
[on the bridge of the Enterprise, everyone is well past their prime]
Cpt. Kirk: Captain's log, Stardate 6051. Had trouble sleeping last night. My hiatal hernia is acting up. The ship is drafty and damp. I complain, but nobody listens.
Announcer: "Star Trek XII: So Very Tired"... see the original cast in the latest and greatest adventure!
[three Birds of Prey confront the Enterprise]
Sulu: Captain, Klingons off the starboard bow.
Cpt. Kirk: [exasperated] Again with the Klingons.
Cpt. Kirk: Mr. Scott, give me full power.
[in the engine room]
Scotty: It's no good, captain.
[Scotty is too fat reach the engineering computer]
Scotty: I ca'not reach the control panel!