Marge:
Do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer:
Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge:
Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!
Homer:
*Now* who's being naive?
Grampa:
Look what your bad egg of a son did to my teeth!
Homer:
[
rolling eyes] Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth," "The nurses are stealing my money," "This thing on my neck is getting bigger."
Marge:
Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
Lisa:
What are we gonna have?
Homer:
Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison.
Lisa:
What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart:
Poison pizza.
Homer:
Oh, no. I'm not making two stops.
Homer:
You know, when I was a boy I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart:
Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer:
I like stories.
Homer:
Now, what were we talking about, boy?
Bart:
Uhhhh... we were talking about the time you beat jury duty.
Homer:
Oh, yeah. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Homer:
If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to put you in a home.
Grampa:
You already put me in a home.
Homer:
Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes.
Grampa:
[
cowering] I'll be good.
Marge:
Homer, I'd like to talk to you.
Homer:
But then I won't be watching TV. You can see the bind I'm in.
Homer:
[
Bart has broken Grandpa's dentures] Young man, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.
Grampa:
Oh, this is gonna be sweet.
Homer:
Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three R's. Reading TV Guide, um... Writing to TV Guide, um... and Renewing TV Guide.
Homer:
I know my punishment may seem harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
Bart:
TV sucks.
Homer:
[
with restrained anger] I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.
[
Bart has put his James Bond action figure into the microwave; as he speaks to it, he strokes Snowball II, a la Ernst Stavro Blofeld]
Bart:
Stick around, Mr. Bond. Things are really starting to...
[
presses button]
Bart:
Cook.
[
the figure melts, while Bart laughs evilly]
[
as punishment for letting Maggie wander off, Homer decrees that Bart can never go to the "Itchy & Scratchy Movie."]
Bart:
Dad, you gotta let me see that movie! Can't you just give me a spanking?
[
drops his pants, turns around, and bends over]
Bart:
Come on, go nuts!
Homer:
Don't point that thing at me!
Kent Brockman:
Tonight on Eye on Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years.
Man:
[
hic] Kill me.
[
hic]
Man:
Kill me.
[
last lines]
Homer:
Which one's the mouse?
Bart:
Itchy.
Homer:
Itchy's a jerk.
Bart:
[
chuckles] Yeah.
Related Links
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