Bart Simpson: Come on, man, everyone knows the first day of school is a total wank.
Principal Skinner: Well, if by "wank" you mean educational fun, then stand back it's wanking time!
[Barney lies drunk in the street]
Barney: Spell 'relapse!'
Barney: [singing] That's what beer has done to me!
Krusty the Clown: It's not important to talk about who got rich off of whom, or who got exposed to tainted what...
Principal Skinner: [an announcement made in front of the entire school] Due to budget cuts we had to sell the plastic skeleton and replace it with this Halloween costume. Also, the class trip to Italy is now "Spaghetti Night" in the school cafeteria, and your $1500 deposit is non refundable. Goodnight!
Cletus: Spell 'scabies!'
Brandine: [holding her baby by the shirt] Rubella, we got you a middle name!
Cletus: You ain't supposed to hold her like that.
[after learning Homer can't make it to her final meet because he's after the tasty ribwich sandwich]
Lisa: Dad, this is my moment in the sun. How can you miss it to be with a sandwich?