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"The Simpsons" Homer at the Bat (TV Episode 1992) Poster

(TV Series)

(1992)

Quotes

Barney: [in Moe's Tavern] And I say, that England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!

Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!

Barney: Lord Palmerston!

Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!

Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!

[punches him out]

Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barn'!

[disbelieving]

Moe: Pitt the Elder...

Barney: Lord Palmerston!

[punches him out]

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[Mr. Burns hired a hypnotist to make the plant softball team win]

Hypnotist: You are all very good players.

Players: [chanting in unison] We are all very good players.

Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville.

Players: [chanting in unison] We will beat Shelbyville.

Hypnotist: You will give one hundred and ten percent.

Players: [chanting in unison] That's impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.

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Mr. Burns: Smithers, is it wrong to cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?

Smithers: Yes, sir.

Mr. Burns: Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if *I* cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?

Smithers: No, sir. Who would you like killed?

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Homer Simpson: You're Darryl Strawberry!

Darryl Strawberry: Yes.

Homer Simpson: You play right field.

Darryl Strawberry: Yes.

Homer Simpson: I play right field too.

Darryl Strawberry: So?

Homer Simpson: Well, are you better than me?

Darryl Strawberry: Well, I've never met you, but... yes.

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[Mr. Burns made a bet that the plant softball team would beat Shelbyville]

Mr. Burns: I've decided to bring in a few ringers, professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown...

Smithers: Uh, sir?

Mr. Burns: What is it, Smithers?

Smithers: I'm afraid all of those players have retired and, uh... passed on. In fact, your right-fielder has been dead for a hundred and thirty years.

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[to his softball team]

Mr. Burns: All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits! You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers, you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring words that someone else might have told you over the course of your lives, and go out there and win!

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Homer Simpson: Hey Clemens, did I make the team?

Roger Clemens: You sure did.

Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! In your face, Strawberry!

Roger Clemens: Wait a minute. Are you Ken Griffey Jr.?

Homer Simpson: No.

Roger Clemens: Sorry. Didn't mean to get your hopes up.

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Jose Canseco: So I'll get $50,000 to play one game?

Waylon Smithers: That's right, Mr. Canseco.

Jose Canseco: Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey.

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Dr. Hibbert: [Examining Mike Scioscia who is heavily radiated] Mike, try to lift your arm.

Mike Scioscia: [struggling to lift his left arm] Can't, lift, arm, or, speak, at, normal, rate.

Dr. Hibbert: It seems that you have an acute dose of radiation poisoning.

Mike Scioscia: Will, I, be, able, to, play, softball, tomorrow?

Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] No. By tomorrow you'll barely be able to breathe.

Mike Scioscia: [struggling to move his head] Oh, man.

Nurse: [bursting into room] Dr. Hibbert, Ken Griffey, Jr. needs to see you immediately!

[Hibbert peers through curtains and is horrified to see a gigantism-suffering Griffey in a wheelchair]

Dr. Hibbert: [shocked] Good Lord! Gigantism!

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Ken Griffey Jr.: [after tasting brain tonic for thew first time] Wow. It feels like a party in my mouth, and everyone's invited.

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[Marge is filming Homer sitting in the dugout at a softball game. Homer starts to scratch his crotch]

Marge Simpson: Oh, dear.

[points the camera at her feet]

Marge Simpson: Children, tell me when your father stops scratching himself.

[long pause]

Marge Simpson: Kids...?

Bart Simpson: We'll tell you, Mom.

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[Homer unveils the Wonder Bat to Lenny and Carl. They are less than impressed]

Lenny: Yeah, well, I've got a magic bat, too!

Carl: And I got an enchanted jock strap!

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Mr. Burns: What about Clemens?

Smithers: Sir, he's in no condition to play.

[Clemens flaps his arms and clucks like a chicken]

Mr. Burns: That damned hypnotist!

[to hypnotist]

Mr. Burns: You! Look what you've done. My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken.

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Mr. Burns: [Seeing Don Mattingly shaved the middle of his head off] Mattingly, I thought I told you to trim those sideburns? Go home, you're off the team, for good!

Don Mattingly: Fine.

[Under his breath]

Don Mattingly: I still like him better than Steinbrenner.

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Mike Scioscia: Whoa, this really beats the pressure of playing big league ball, there if you make a mistake, and "boom" the media is all over you.

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Homer Simpson: Where do you think you're going?

Lisa Simpson: To the game.

Homer Simpson: No, no! I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt!

Bart Simpson: We've seen it, Dad.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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