- Reverend Lovejoy: Ned, have you considered any of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.
- [Homer dials the Flanders', who have taken his kids into foster care]
- Voice on Phone: The number you have dialed can no longer be reached on this phone. You negligent monster.
- Bart: Wow Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
- Homer: Oh Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
- Ned Flanders: Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
- Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!
- Homer: All right, to find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders.
- Homer's Brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o. And I wear the same stupid sweater every day...
- Homer: The Springfield River!
- [Homer and Marge are relaxing in a sauna]
- Marge Simpson: This is so relaxing. Homie, this was a wonderful idea.
- Homer: [chuckling] Yeah. If that mafia guy weren't staring at us, I'd take off my towel.
- Don Vittorio: Oh, don't mind me. Look, I do it first!
- [the "Family Skills" course is almost over, and the agent is testing Homer and Cletus]
- Goodman: OK, let's see if we've learned anything. I want you two to simulate a typical household problem. Go.
- Cletus: Uh, Pa, I cut my finger on the screen door again.
- Homer: [as he strangles Cletus] Why you cotton-pickin...
- [the class looks critically at Homer]
- Homer: [to himself] No, I gotta pass this class for my kids.
- [to Cletus]
- Homer: Son, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin'.
- Cletus: I love you, Pa!
- [then sobs]
- Homer: I love you, Cletus!
- [then sobs too]
- Ned Flanders: Until this, I never thought Homer and Marge were bad parents, but now I know you kids need a less hellbound family!
- Maude Flanders: Just sit back, and before you know it, you'll be part of the Flanders flock.
- Bart: Ha ha! You're going to be Lisa Flanders!
- Lisa Simpson: You're going to be "Bart" Flanders.
- [Bart screams]
- Maude Flanders: Oh, relax, Bart. Your sister Maggie isn't scared.
- Bart: That's because she can't talk.
- Maggie Simpson: [as she pulls her pacifier out] Daddily doodily!
- [Maggie then turns her head around and looks at Bart and Lisa]
- [as the Simpson family, who are finally together again, are about to leave the Springfield river]
- Marge Simpson: So what was it like at the Flanders' house?
- Homer: Yeah, gimme all the dirt.
- Lisa Simpson: Let's see. Dirt... dirt... well, there wasn't really much dirt.
- Bart: There was a bunch of old paint cans in the garage, though.
- Homer: [laughs scoffingly] Old painty-can Ned.
- [the family also laugh]
- Homer: I always knew he'd keep his old cans of paint!
- Marge Simpson: How do you like that!
- Child Welfare Agent: Children, where are your parents?
- Lisa Simpson: I don't know, but they should be here.
- Goodman: Yes, they should be here. Tsk, tsk. Those parents better have a good excuse.
- [Skinner watches as Willie burns Bart's lice-infested clothes]
- Groundskeeper Willie: See you in hell, you wingless bloodsuckers!
- Principal Skinner: What kind of parents would permit such a lapse in scalpal hygiene?
- Groundskeeper Willie: Well, you better check out his sister. She could be rife with them bugs too!
- [on Bart and Lisa receiving lice]
- Principal Skinner: Sweet Georgia Brown! Something is rotten at the Simpson house.
- [he dials a phone number, and a minute later, a van from the Springfield child protection agency speeds toward the Simpsons' street]