Bart: Wow Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: Oh Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned Flanders: Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!
[Homer dials the Flanders', who have taken his kids into foster care]
Voice on Phone: The number you have dialed can no longer be reached on this phone. You negligent monster.
Homer: All right, to find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders.
Homer's Brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o. And I wear the same stupid sweater every day...
Homer: The Springfield River!
Reverend Lovejoy: Ned, have you considered any of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.
[Homer and Marge are relaxing in a sauna]
Marge Simpson: This is so relaxing. Homie, this was a wonderful idea.
Homer: [chuckling] Yeah. If that mafia guy weren't staring at us, I'd take off my towel.
Don Vittorio: Oh, don't mind me. Look, I do it first!
[the "Family Skills" course is almost over, and the agent is testing Homer and Cletus]
Goodman: OK, let's see if we've learned anything. I want you two to simulate a typical household problem. Go.
Cletus: Uh, Pa, I cut my finger on the screen door again.
Homer: [as he strangles Cletus] Why you cotton-pickin...
[the class looks critically at Homer]
Homer: [to himself] No, I gotta pass this class for my kids.
Homer: Son, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin'.
Cletus: I love you, Pa!
Homer: I love you, Cletus!
[then sobs too]
Ned Flanders: Until this, I never thought Homer and Marge were bad parents, but now I know you kids need a less hellbound family!
Maude Flanders: Just sit back, and before you know it, you'll be part of the Flanders flock.
Bart: Ha ha! You're going to be Lisa Flanders!
Lisa Simpson: You're going to be "Bart" Flanders.
Maude Flanders: Oh, relax, Bart. Your sister Maggie isn't scared.
Bart: That's because she can't talk.
Maggie Simpson: [as she pulls her pacifier out] Daddily doodily!
[Maggie then turns her head around and looks at Bart and Lisa]
[as the Simpson family, who are finally together again, are about to leave the Springfield river]
Marge Simpson: So what was it like at the Flanders' house?
Homer: Yeah, gimme all the dirt.
Lisa Simpson: Let's see. Dirt... dirt... well, there wasn't really much dirt.
Bart: There was a bunch of old paint cans in the garage, though.
Homer: [laughs scoffingly] Old painty-can Ned.
[the family also laugh]
Homer: I always knew he'd keep his old cans of paint!
Marge Simpson: How do you like that!
Child Welfare Agent: Children, where are your parents?
Lisa Simpson: I don't know, but they should be here.
Goodman: Yes, they should be here. Tsk, tsk. Those parents better have a good excuse.
[Skinner watches as Willie burns Bart's lice-infested clothes]
Groundskeeper Willie: See you in hell, you wingless bloodsuckers!
Principal Skinner: What kind of parents would permit such a lapse in scalpal hygiene?
Groundskeeper Willie: Well, you better check out his sister. She could be rife with them bugs too!