Artie Ziff: Tell me, Homer, what's it like being married to Marge?
Homer Simpson: It's like being married to your best friend - who lets you touch her boobies!
Homer Simpson: This is the perfect job. I'll leave the world the same way I came into it - dirty, screaming and torn away from the woman I love.
Marge Simpson: I haven't lost so much sleep since little Barty had the scoots.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, there's a surgical option, but it's not cheap.
[Writes something on a slip of paper, and slides it across his desk to Homer]
Dr. Hibbert: Here's what it costs.
Homer Simpson: [Reads paper] Interesting. Here's my counter-offer.
[Writes something on the paper and gives it back to Hibbert]
Dr. Hibbert: [Reads. The note says, "Do it for free"]
[Chuckles, then turns very serious]
Dr. Hibbert: Get out.
Patty: Overnight bag, no husband in sight - it's happened!
Selma: She left Homer? I'll get the champale!
Patty: And let's get that ring off!
Marge Simpson: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Delilah! I didn't leave Homer, and I never will. I just need one night away from his snoring.
Selma: Great - we'll have a girls' night.
Patty: No bras!
Selma: Let's catch the tail end of Nookie in New York.
Marge Simpson: Nookie in New York?
Patty: It's a cable show about four single women who act like gay men.
Marge Simpson: That sounds great!
Miranda: [Marge, Patty and Selma turn on "Nookie in New York"] If I'm not having sex by the end of this goat-cheese quesadilla, I'm going to scream.
Charlotte: I also enjoy sex.
Samantha: Since this morning, I've had sex with a New York Knick, two subway cops, and a guy who works on Wall Street.
Carrie: Nah. She's just really sore.
[They all laugh]
Patty: [Back in the apartment] This is so like our lives.
Selma: It's like they hid a camera in our apartment.
Lisa Simpson: Hey, a helicopter's landing on our lawn.
Bart Simpson: Let's approach with caution!
Homer Simpson: Okay, Artie, you get her for the weekend - but no funny stuff. And by "funny stuff" I mean hand-holding, goo-goo eyes, misdirected woo - which is pretty much any John Woo film...
Artie Ziff: Your wife's virtue shall remain as untouched as Bill Gates' weight room.
Moe: I can't get Artie out of my head. He's like a spy in the House of Moe.
Homer Simpson: Oh, no! If Marge marries Artie, I'll never be born.
Marge Simpson: I knew this weekend was just an excuse to get in my mouth! Keep your money - I'm going home!
Cab Driver: That's nine hundred and twelve dollars.
Marge Simpson: Send the bill to Baron von Kiss-a-lot.
Cab Driver: No problem-o.
[He drives away]
Butler: [the scene cuts to a shot of a Bavarian castle, and then to an aristocratic drawing room. A butler approaches a man seated by a fireplace] This just arrived, Herr Baron.
[Hands him the taxi bill, which he reads]
Baron: [In German accent] Okay, who's the wise guy?
Artie Ziff: [on a device to help Marge sleep] He's a loser Marge... dump him!
Artie Ziff: Yeah, I traveled the world and the seven seas... I am watching you through a camera!
[the oil rig Homer's working on has caught on fire]
Homer: Oh no. This is how faceless Joe lost his legs.
Marge: Artie Ziff, why are you living in our attic?
Artie Ziff: Let me explain. I used to run an internet company.
Bart: Say no more.
Artie Ziff: I would stop, but I love the sound of my own voice.